The Glory, The Glory – Episode 2 – The Mystery of the Chinese Bananas

6 Feb

Welcome to the second episode of The Glory, The Glory with Adian Morgan and me, Adam P. Knave. This week we discuss Farscape, DeGrassi, Archer, the time-travel problems associated with Happy Days and a lot more, all bookended by our new theme music We ran long, coming in at a bit over two hours, but still hope you enjoy! And no, the title of the episode has nothing to do with anything.

Hey! You can now subscribe to the special podcast only RSS feed right here at this link and also click the button below to listen/subscribe to the podcast on iTunes:

The Glory The Glory
(Clicking the button will open the link in iTunes)

You can also, of course, just hit play below, as well. We’ll see you next week!

The Glory, The Glory, episode 2 [ 2:09:00 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Boooooobs

3 Feb

When I was a kid there weren’t boobs on TV. It just wasn’t done. And then came HBO. Suddenly: boobs. Which was fine, it was great even. But stranger still, for me, was the rise of the HBO sitcom. Dream On, remember that show? And suddenly there were sitcoms with boobs in them.

Now this was ground breaking. Sitcoms with boobs. It was like someone decided “Here, have some pizza, oh but wait let me also give you some cash just because I can.” Dream On was the story of a guy who, and I haven’t seen it since it aired so forgive how wrong this will be, was an editor and had an ex-wife and a son. He would relate everything in his life to old movies, and so the show would cut to clips – much like a Pre-Scrubs – and it was just a fun little show. But it also had boobs.

Still, here’s an important thing, the boobs were organic. I don’t, uhm, well, I mean the show found reasons for the boobs to be there. It wasn’t just “Hey, boobs!” but rather the story hit a point where, had the show been on normal broadcast TV you could’ve cut away from the boobs or hidden them, but they didn’t have to. No, not 100% of the time, but more often than not the boobs made sense.
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Oh… Watson.

31 Jan

My cat has issues. Well, but what cat doesn’t have issues? Watson has his share, as well as at least one other cat’s worth. I mean ignoring his little hypersonic meeping noises that he makes instead of meows or any sound made by real cats. Ignoring his penchant for climbing into laps and then hugging you and smashing his face into yours over and over again until you submit to his will.

Watson, of course, won’t enjoy me sharing this story. He’ll probably give me this look again:

I don’t care! I will tell you anyway!
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The Glory, The Glory – Episode 1

29 Jan

So Aidan and I decided to start a podcast and then we decided to name it The Glory, The Glory because it made us laugh. We talk about stuff. Mostly pop culture stuff. In this, our first episode, we chat about Chuck, Joss Whedon, David Foster-Wallace, Aidan’s jump suit fetish, Scrubs, Middleman and a ton of other stuff. Fair warning – the audio for this first episode is a bit hinky (my audio was stupidly too low) but we’ll fix that going forward. Also, no, we aren’t on iTunes yet, but one day.

In the meantime, click below to listen:

We hope you enjoy and join us next week for more of… The Glory, The Glory!

The Glory, The Glory Episode 1 [ 1:19:14 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

X is to Y as H is to [blank]

25 Jan

I was thinking about this the other day so I thought maybe I should put it down here. This is the part where I annoy people.

Seattle is Queens. I’ve been there. It’s Queens. It doesn’t really think it’s Manhattan, but also knows it has its own shit going on. It has culture and stuff and people and some good bars. People in Seattle know they are in Seattle. And that’s a good and fine thing by them, as it should be.

Portland, on the other hand, is Brooklyn. I mean, come on that shit is too easy. It’s Brooklyn with a hint of Boston tossed in for good and bad measure. But part of being Brooklyn is, of course, that it is proud of not being Queens and certain that it is, in fact, better than Manhattan.

The only problem here is – where’s Manhattan then? I mean if Seattle is Queens and Portland is Brooklyn then Manhattan is… Vancouver? It might just be.

I wonder if anyone told Vancouver. Chances are, if I’m right, they not only know they also couldn’t give less of a fuck. In public. In private, at home when the blinds are drawn though – oh they know where they’re at.

Please note: This math may make Tacoma the Bronx. Which only makes me want to visit Tacoma and see if I’m right. Because that would be wonderful beyond words.

Slight printing error.

20 Jan

This morning I was in a store. This store was not special for any normal reason. I mean, it wasn’t a “giant space-puppy” store. That would have been awesome. No, it was just a store, that sold stuff.

Now, granted, behind one of the glass counters, hidden behind some cleaning supplies, was this:

Yes, that is a tiny fake dog covered in what looks like real fur being ridden by a tiny stuffed monkey. On a doily. It seemed to be their local deity. A shop overseer. I don’t know. I really don’t. But the store was fine. Outside of that.

Except.

And there’s always an except, isn’t there?

Except.

Except that they sold these gloves, for kids.

And I looked at them and thought… well… honestly at first I thought they said NOM cause I couldn’t see the S and then I thought they might say NOMNOM but that’s six letters and people tend toward five fingers so I moved the other gloves and looked.

SNOM.

That can’t be right. No, the W was looking upside-down because that way the kid could read it. It had to be snow. Except then it would be backwards, if it were upside-down, and read WONS. And that’s wrong, too, as evidenced by the snowflake on the thumb.

Nope. They said SNOM.

SNOM.

It might SNOM later, here, actually. Chance of SNOM.

SNOMSNOMSNOM let it SNOM let it SNOM let it SNOM.

I did not, mind you, buy the gloves.

FREE SPERM FROM THE INTERNETS!

13 Jan

Turns out there’s a small but growing movement of finding sperm donors on Craigslist.

Now look. Fertility clinics are expensive. I get that. It’s fucked up and a rough bit of business. But turning to guys offering free sperm on Craigslist isn’t going to ever be the way to go. Come on!

I don’t tend to trust things on Craigslist if I’m expected to pay for them. Think of how many times you get someone offering a good deal who has wrapped a brick in a box, or some shit like that. And that’s for money! Think of what they do for freesies!

Free couch – with a side of Ebola.

Free guitar – licked by Satan.

Free shoes – cut off a hobo by seller.

So now let us consider what could possibly ever in the world go wrong with free sperm from the internet. Christ. Just listen to that phrase:

Hey, want some sperm provided by the internet, free of charge?

If you read that and thought “Yes, yes I do,” I have nothing else to say to you. Please exit through the padded room.

Because, seriously, what the ever-loving fuck! Would you let some stranger impregnate you? Because that’s what you’re doing. This isn’t even with the basic screening for health issues and generally whack-a-doodle-doo the fertility clinics do. This is just finding a stranger and going “Put one in me!” Sure this way you don’t have to have sex with that stranger, it isn’t like they’re offering to inseminate you the old fashioned way. They aren’t kooks, they’re just offering a free alternative to fertility clinics.

Back alley sperm donors. Wait, no, that sounds worse yet.

This shit is an episode of some SVU/ DVR/TBA/NBA/DERP/CSI show waiting to happen. Ripped, drippingly, from the headlines!

(Thanks to Gina for pointing this all out and to Cafemom for the clips)

BREAKING NEWS: New Line Studios to adapt J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Silmarillion

10 Jan

With the production of ‘The Hobbit’ underway and interest once again high, New Line Studios, working again with MGM, have decided to forge ahead with plans to continue adapting J.R.R. Tolkien’s famous works.

“No one has even considered adapting The Silmarillion before,” a studio executive said, “and we want to be the first.”

The Silmarillion has long been considered an interesting artifact by fans of the author. unfinished and structured in tone much like the Bible, The Silmarillion tells the pre-history of Tolkien’s world, settling the mythology for all of the stories he would tell.

“The biggest problem with adapting The Silmarillion is that it is a bit like adapting the Norse Eddas without bothering to translate them,” Robert Joules, a Tolkien fan, explained. “We love the book, but it’s dry – even for Tolkien. Which is saying something.”

While considering options, New Line has mostly sought out a slight reworking of the book.

Fans of the book were highly divided by the news of action director Michael Bay coming on board.

“Peter Jackson just filmed the books,” said Mary Hollingskey, “all of the walking and everything. Each ending of Return of the King, Peter Jackson was there. He filmed what Tolkien wrote. No matter what. Will Bay do the same?”

No, he won’t, according to the director himself. “I’m not sure why we need to set this movie in the past,” Bay said recently.

“Did you see Transformers?” railed a fan on the social networking site, Twitter. “He’ll just make The Silmarillion about robots and explosions.”

Many fans were not convinced there would be robots.

“With The Silmarillion we want to take a new approach. Bump up the action a bit more,” said Bay. “Ever seen an elf explode? You will.”

The Silmarillion is set to be released in 2014.

Horsepower

9 Jan

I keep hearing about horsepower. Horsepower. Now, this is a unit of measurement of power and as such has a number of very precise definitions (mechanical, electrical, boiler, hydraulic) as well as having metric, Imperial and Japanese definitions.

But let us be honest with each other. When you think of horsepower you don’t think of chunks of roughly 750 watts of power. No. You think of a horse wearing tights with a cape, stopping crime. And that special horse, SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power, lives inside your car and can replicate himself any number of times to make things go. Got yourself a 300hp engine? SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power has created 300 tiny versions of himself, each tasked with making your vehicle really move.

This is why larger, more powerful, engines make more noise. The horses. Those crazy horses. Powerful, crazy horses. And of course, SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power, is in all cars and engines at the same time. He’s universal that way. Like Jesus. Or Elvis (though unlike Elvis, while SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power is also everywhere, he is also in Michael J. Fox).

Billions of tiny versions of SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power exist in our world, each one racing against time to make things go a little bit faster. REMEMBER THAT!

Do not take SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power for granted. For one day, if we do, he could rise up against us. And then where would we be? Billions of tiny horses attacking and no vehicles able to move! Yeah. Scary, I know. So, please, respect SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power and recognize all that he does for humanity.

Thank you.

Lasers. Spines.

5 Jan

There I was, looking at a website, nothing out of the ordinary at all. And I clicked on a link and a new page loaded and there, in the corner, was an ad:

Blah blah blah, back pain, scam, send us money, neck hurts, pain in my ass maybe, who cares, whatever, go fuck yourse… Did you say laser spine?

They wanted me to visit laser spine. Laser. Spine. A spine made out of lasers. A spine that shot lasers. I didn’t know. I ran through a list of possible ideas, each better than the last.

Somewhere around the point where I had decided it was, obviously, referring to a porcupine that would work on your back with all of it’s spines made of tiny lasers like acupressure, I realized I simply could not have read that shit right, at all.

Nope. Read it right. Laser spine. Now I knew I could click, or type the URL in and go visit the sight and see for myself but I also knew that would take the fun out of it.

Because let’s face it – It wouldn’t be anything cool. It’d be, like, some shitty doctor service that got a mail order degree in doctoring and owns a laser pointer. By going I gave up on the imagination. The coolness that came with laser spine.

Laser Spineitude.

Laser Spineosity.

And I didn’t want to give it up yet. I just didn’t. Because:

I still won’t go to their site. But I will still dream about what it could be.

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