There are over 2100 posts on adampknave.com currently. Out of all of those posts, which range in topic as far and wide as the sea, there is one post which gets more readers than any other.

It gets readers every day. People have a bunch of searches that end up there. It is a self-perpetuating thing that spirals bigger and bigger as time goes on. The post is titled Don’t Fuck A Goat, Jared. The title itself is taken from a line in a Bob Saget stand-up bit, actually. The post is about zoophile.net and no I’m not linking to it again.

It’s basically bestiality… oh wait no sorry it’s zoophilia:

Zoophilia is either essential love of animals or love of animals including sexuality between humans and animals. Both definitions exclude all violence to animals, i. e. zoophilia is not to be confused with cruelty to animals nor with animal abuse. Every true zoophile does never harm an animal.

Yeah, so, bestiality. And it gets more hits than anything else on my site. I get searches ending up at my site that are all about fucking dolphins, and dolphins fucking unicorns, and unicorns fucking unicorns and dolphins fucking other things and people fucking hedgehogs and…

It needs to go somewhere else. I mean, listen, if you want a guide for how to fuck your car all right, I’ll give you that. But…

I’m not making this better am I?

I guess really I don’t understand why, out of all the possible animal on animal action people seem to get off on, so many people want dolphins and unicorns to fuck. Do you guys just really like narwhals? Is that it? Because that’s the best case scenario for dolphin/unicorn fucking.

Maybe you think dolphins are like… unicorn mermaids? Is this it? Maybe it’s just the whole people consider dolphins to be these magical, majestic creatures and the same holds true for unicorns and they want them to mate and …

…we’re right back at narwhals. Damn it.

This:

Will only result in this:

So stop it! Stop thinking about dolphins and unicorns fucking! They don’t like it. Trust me on this. They do not. So stop.

So here, in the spirit of Conan the musical, Total Recall the msuican and Terminator 2, the Opera is Robocop: The Musical:

Awww hell, here are the others:

So here’s the thing – all political pundits are paid to make you angry. It doesn’t matter what side of the fence you’re on they are being paid, they have a career, because they can frustrate the hell out of you. And it’s your fault.

People tend to listen longer when they listen to people they disagree with. They pay more attention, they react and mention names. It’s just human nature, if someone makes you mad you’ll repeat their name and what they say and rail against it. If you don’t care, if it is bland simple rational speech there is far more chance that everyone will shrug and keep going.

Rational, collected, sane political speech doesn’t sell anything, it doesn’t add to the news cycle and it certainly doesn’t leave people’s names on the tip of your tongue. So why should they do it?

Oh sure, because it’s smart and adult and would make the world a better, nicer, place. Sure. But what’s in it for them? They’re not being paid to make the world a better place They are paid, each and every one, to make their loyal followers get riled in a good way and to get everyone else riled in a bad way.

If you agree with them and they speak strongly, chances are you will, too. And that serves to spread their message. The message, of course, is what they are being paid to spread.

But yes, that’s the way it is. If you let yourself get angry and react to their bullshit, good or bad, you are justifying their existence. You are reinforcing that they are needed and do good things. Which, uhm, they don’t. They just lower the level of discourse for everyone and make it harder and harder to solve problems. Way to go, us!

So remember – if you ever see anyone, anyone at all making an appearance on a show, radio program, used as a talking monkey or anywhere else and spewing political nonsense – they were paid to show up, paid to get ratings and get your anger. Every side of every political line has them and they all use them and they will not stop because we play into it.

We could stop, of course. Just ignore them and not spread their bullshit and take more time to research before we repeat and take a deep breath before reacting. Then what would they do? I kinda wanna find out, don’t you?

So while I wait for people to show up so we can all go to breakfast I will give you this, the Day Zero report. No spell check this way, sadly, so let’s see if we can get through it. Scary.

Anyway. So Jim and I are in his car, driving along and commenting how wonderful everything… lo..ok…s… fuck us Jersey traffic. It’s like the whole of Jersey decided they needed to be on the road right then at noon on a Friday. Don’t these people have jobs? Fucking Jersey. But eventually we fight our way through the wilds of Jersey followed by the on-fire-ness of bits of Maryland… no really at one point the side of the road was on fire. In geometric shapes. Not on purpose. Well, maybe on purpose but not in a good way. I got no idea. It’s Maryland. That sort of shit apparently happens. Or at least it did.

So we get to Baltimore and whee-haw and Jim goes off to where he’s staying and I await the arrival of Team Knuckleheads. That’s Brian Winkeler and Robert Wilson, to you. Brian starts to text me from traffic to tell me he’s almost there and just on so-and-so corner and I realize that corner is like 20 feet from me. So I walked up and leaned over the car and kinda waved, like I wanted money. And I wonder why people don’t talk to me. Anyway parking was found, followed by burgers, followed by drinking in a hotel bar with, it seemed, everyone in comics.

And then I came back to my little hotel room. And slept. And woke up. And now I’m waiting for… oh wait this is where we came in. More later, then, I suppose.

Videojug is the latest in an effort to skim across content blindly and use people to make a site off their backs. Sad but true. I mean it’s common enough, really. Someone launches a site and wants writers so they skim blogger or something and just blind email a bunch of people calling them all wonderful and special and hoping people reply and then starts the “Well we can only pay you X amount for NOW…” bullshit.

See, I have a blog that hasn’t gotten any use. AskDarksied. It’s for people who want advice columns by Darkseid. And I mean to use it I just haven’t had time to ramp it up to speed so it sits idle for now. It also has an email address. And today I got this:

Hello Darkseid
I am the editor of videojug, the world’s leading ‘how to’ website. We’re about to get bigger and better and i’m looking for some keen & skilled writers to be a part of it.
We’ve just launched a powerful new self-publishing website that helps people with unique know-how & expertise (i.e. you) connect with our knowledge-hungry audience. The website is called Videojug Pages

I am searching for a select group of writers & bloggers to become Founder Members on Videojug Pages. I came across your blog – ‘Ask Darkseid’ – and was really impressed.

I’d like to invite you to join our growing community of writers (it’s 100% Free).
You can share you unique knowledge by creating pages about your interests on Videojug Pages and can earn money through our equal advertising-share scheme: we share all revenues 50:50 with our writers.

There are some great benefits to being a Founder Member:
Build an online audience & become an authority on your chosen subject
Inform & guide our knowledge-hungry audience
Promote yourself, your business & your website/blog
Become an on-site ‘Guardian’ with additional on-site privileges and access
Earn money through our unique 50:50 advertising share scheme
Get a Founder’s Badge to prove it!

To find out more about this exciting project and to get involved just click here (link removed)

You can also reply to this email (it’s come from a real person!) if you have any questions etc…

Looking forward to seeing you on the site.
Best wishes,
Harriet
Harriet Hungerford
Editor

So let me get this straight. You’ll LET me create a profile and generate content for you, at no charge to myself? And then there will be ads that will spread work of your site far more than anyone else? Interesting.

Well anyway. See, they mailed Darkseid. And claimed this was from a real person. So I replied:

Harriet Hungerford –

Yes. I, Darkseid, am interested in your human blogging prattle. You speak of running a site with many “How-To” articles and I am prepared to fulfill your needs. A “How-To Lose Your Self of Self and Give All to Darkseid” subject would be quite the simple matter for I am Darkseid.

Also, perhaps, a subject class devoted to the Anti-Life equation would be prefect for your site. My Hunger Dogs might also find interest in working for you, though they are but spineless curs worth nothing more than fodder in the fire pits. Still, some of them can write very interesting prose and articles related to, but not limited to: Screaming in pain, limb loss, shame, uselessness, serving Darkseid.

As I write this missive to you, Granny Goodness relates to me that she would be interested in speaking to you as well. Very interested. I am sorry.

In conclusion, yes, I, Darkseid, would be willing to write many articles for your mindless and insignificant website. Rumors that Highfather has a very popular blog are unfounded and clearly you wish to work only with Darkseid, for your will is mine.

– Darkseid
God
Controller of the Anti-Life Equation
Winner Best Planet Shaped Like Own Head Award, two years running
Master of All
Buffy fan extraordinaire

I wonder if she’ll reply…

So every time we give stimulus money to corporations they hoard it because if they didn’t have it to hoard they would lose money, instead of, you know, spending the money on new employees so those people could have jobs and make money to spend and infuse the whole economy. And I realized I could phrase it in terms of Batman. If this confuses you, replace “Batman” with “Consumer confidence”:

“Without this money we can’t afford Batman!”

“We had Batman?”

“He was protecting the streets. You, uhhh, just couldn’t see him because he’s Batman.”

“But were we safer?”

“Well, of course we were. He’s Batman!”

“But can you prove that?”

“Batman!”

“So, no?”

“If you want to get rid of Batman, fine, we will. But then you won’t have any Batman to protect you.”

“Can we even prove he was here?”

“Hello? Batman! If you saw him then he wouldn’t be Batman, would he?”

It’s much like the MTA’s scare tactics in fare hikes. First they give you a fare hike warning. Then they “accidentally leak” a notice about a way worse fare hike. When everyone flips out about it they recant the extra scary one, hoping you’ll be all “Whew” about the first fare hike. Like this:

“We’re going to put wild bears in your living room.”

“WHAT?!”

“All right. No bears. Manticores.”

“WAIT, WHAT?!”

“Oh, you don’t want the manticores?”

“Who the fuck wants a manticore?!”

“Well. I suppose we can just put the bears in your living room instead.”

“Can we put neither? Is neither an option?”

“I got bears and I got manticores.”

“This isn’t… wait, didn’t I just approve Batman? To you? Isn’t this were Batman comes and saves me?”

“He hates bears.”

“Batman hates bears?”

“And manticores. You’re on your own. So. Choose.”

Yes. Economics as explained by Batman, bears and manticores.

Don Knotts loved unicorns. I mean he loved unicorns. It’s a little known fact, but it’s also true. Time was no one in a unicorn suit, or who looked kinda like a unicorn would be safe around Don Knotts. In fact, this one time… well, I made it all graphical so you would understand:

Oh Queens, how we love you for making our dreams come true. Joyce Hackett was in Astoria when she noticed a bunch of people gathered around a car. So she stopped and looked to see why.

She saw a two foot long baby alligator (source). Just chilling under the car. So she grabbed her phone and took a picture. Then tried for a better one while the cop nearby kept warning her not to. I mean, yeah, one might not want to stick their hand under a car with a two foot long alligator, but she did. And she got this:

“We’re not sure if it’s an alligator or a crocodile because we’re not zoologists,” Officer Duffy [a police spokesman] said. “No one knows where it came from, if it came from the sewer or not.” He called the creature “tiny and harmless.”

“No one had to come and wrestle with it,” he said. “It’s not big enough to eat a dog — maybe a mouse.”

Do keep in mind that this isn’t the first time an alligator has been picked up in NY. In Brooklyn, back in 2006, there was a 15-incher taken from the area around an apt. building, and back in 2001 a nice hefty 24 inch baby was scooped out of one of the lakes in Central Park. So, you know, it happens.

But yes. Those “There are alligators in the sewers!” urban legend… see about that. We like to tell people it’s urban legend. That way when they come visit NY they don’t suspect the truth.

…Look we have to feed them something, don’t we? And alligators get bored of pigeon. So, occasionally tourist makes a nice change.

Also I think somewhere right now Matt Ruff is pumping his fist into the air. And waiting for the squads to start back up.

Which, by the way, that’s a great book. I want to re-read it, actually. Really, Matt Ruff is a great writer. But I digress.

Alligator. New York. Waiting. Hungry. Tiny but mean. And cute. Cute and tiny and mean and hungry and waiting. Yup.

Yup.

Also:

The other day I was in Rite-Aid and I saw something new. A product from a company named 7 Days. They make, and I would guess they do other things, too but, these croissants that… well first of all any packaged croissant will be crap. I’m sorry but a light flaky, crumbly pasty can not be packaged and shipped so they always end up being, kinda, white bread in a fancy shape.

Regardless they have taken this a step further. They filled the fuckers with cream. Now, 7 Days is a big international company so this image is obviously not of one from the U.S. but outside of the writing it is 100% the same:

They filled it with cream. They made a Croissant Twinkie. What the shit? Why is anyone all right with this? It’s a horrible idea and manages to make me want to punch things. As if the concept of a Twinkie needed to spread or diversify? And to mix it with a croissant? That’s like taking a really good flan and dumping Fudgie the Whale on it.

That kind of shit gets you shiv’d.

Oh, and to make matters worse? The brand’s name is 7 Days, right? And they have some shitty slogan about how they can satisfy you all seven days. A display box of these, however, holds six units.

You tell ‘em, Gob.

Just some strange random images for you today. Provided without any context or comment.