X is to Y as H is to [blank]

25 Jan

I was thinking about this the other day so I thought maybe I should put it down here. This is the part where I annoy people.

Seattle is Queens. I’ve been there. It’s Queens. It doesn’t really think it’s Manhattan, but also knows it has its own shit going on. It has culture and stuff and people and some good bars. People in Seattle know they are in Seattle. And that’s a good and fine thing by them, as it should be.

Portland, on the other hand, is Brooklyn. I mean, come on that shit is too easy. It’s Brooklyn with a hint of Boston tossed in for good and bad measure. But part of being Brooklyn is, of course, that it is proud of not being Queens and certain that it is, in fact, better than Manhattan.

The only problem here is – where’s Manhattan then? I mean if Seattle is Queens and Portland is Brooklyn then Manhattan is… Vancouver? It might just be.

I wonder if anyone told Vancouver. Chances are, if I’m right, they not only know they also couldn’t give less of a fuck. In public. In private, at home when the blinds are drawn though – oh they know where they’re at.

Please note: This math may make Tacoma the Bronx. Which only makes me want to visit Tacoma and see if I’m right. Because that would be wonderful beyond words.

Slight printing error.

20 Jan

This morning I was in a store. This store was not special for any normal reason. I mean, it wasn’t a “giant space-puppy” store. That would have been awesome. No, it was just a store, that sold stuff.

Now, granted, behind one of the glass counters, hidden behind some cleaning supplies, was this:

Yes, that is a tiny fake dog covered in what looks like real fur being ridden by a tiny stuffed monkey. On a doily. It seemed to be their local deity. A shop overseer. I don’t know. I really don’t. But the store was fine. Outside of that.

Except.

And there’s always an except, isn’t there?

Except.

Except that they sold these gloves, for kids.

And I looked at them and thought… well… honestly at first I thought they said NOM cause I couldn’t see the S and then I thought they might say NOMNOM but that’s six letters and people tend toward five fingers so I moved the other gloves and looked.

SNOM.

That can’t be right. No, the W was looking upside-down because that way the kid could read it. It had to be snow. Except then it would be backwards, if it were upside-down, and read WONS. And that’s wrong, too, as evidenced by the snowflake on the thumb.

Nope. They said SNOM.

SNOM.

It might SNOM later, here, actually. Chance of SNOM.

SNOMSNOMSNOM let it SNOM let it SNOM let it SNOM.

I did not, mind you, buy the gloves.

FREE SPERM FROM THE INTERNETS!

13 Jan

Turns out there’s a small but growing movement of finding sperm donors on Craigslist.

Now look. Fertility clinics are expensive. I get that. It’s fucked up and a rough bit of business. But turning to guys offering free sperm on Craigslist isn’t going to ever be the way to go. Come on!

I don’t tend to trust things on Craigslist if I’m expected to pay for them. Think of how many times you get someone offering a good deal who has wrapped a brick in a box, or some shit like that. And that’s for money! Think of what they do for freesies!

Free couch – with a side of Ebola.

Free guitar – licked by Satan.

Free shoes – cut off a hobo by seller.

So now let us consider what could possibly ever in the world go wrong with free sperm from the internet. Christ. Just listen to that phrase:

Hey, want some sperm provided by the internet, free of charge?

If you read that and thought “Yes, yes I do,” I have nothing else to say to you. Please exit through the padded room.

Because, seriously, what the ever-loving fuck! Would you let some stranger impregnate you? Because that’s what you’re doing. This isn’t even with the basic screening for health issues and generally whack-a-doodle-doo the fertility clinics do. This is just finding a stranger and going “Put one in me!” Sure this way you don’t have to have sex with that stranger, it isn’t like they’re offering to inseminate you the old fashioned way. They aren’t kooks, they’re just offering a free alternative to fertility clinics.

Back alley sperm donors. Wait, no, that sounds worse yet.

This shit is an episode of some SVU/ DVR/TBA/NBA/DERP/CSI show waiting to happen. Ripped, drippingly, from the headlines!

(Thanks to Gina for pointing this all out and to Cafemom for the clips)

BREAKING NEWS: New Line Studios to adapt J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Silmarillion

10 Jan

With the production of ‘The Hobbit’ underway and interest once again high, New Line Studios, working again with MGM, have decided to forge ahead with plans to continue adapting J.R.R. Tolkien’s famous works.

“No one has even considered adapting The Silmarillion before,” a studio executive said, “and we want to be the first.”

The Silmarillion has long been considered an interesting artifact by fans of the author. unfinished and structured in tone much like the Bible, The Silmarillion tells the pre-history of Tolkien’s world, settling the mythology for all of the stories he would tell.

“The biggest problem with adapting The Silmarillion is that it is a bit like adapting the Norse Eddas without bothering to translate them,” Robert Joules, a Tolkien fan, explained. “We love the book, but it’s dry – even for Tolkien. Which is saying something.”

While considering options, New Line has mostly sought out a slight reworking of the book.

Fans of the book were highly divided by the news of action director Michael Bay coming on board.

“Peter Jackson just filmed the books,” said Mary Hollingskey, “all of the walking and everything. Each ending of Return of the King, Peter Jackson was there. He filmed what Tolkien wrote. No matter what. Will Bay do the same?”

No, he won’t, according to the director himself. “I’m not sure why we need to set this movie in the past,” Bay said recently.

“Did you see Transformers?” railed a fan on the social networking site, Twitter. “He’ll just make The Silmarillion about robots and explosions.”

Many fans were not convinced there would be robots.

“With The Silmarillion we want to take a new approach. Bump up the action a bit more,” said Bay. “Ever seen an elf explode? You will.”

The Silmarillion is set to be released in 2014.

Horsepower

9 Jan

I keep hearing about horsepower. Horsepower. Now, this is a unit of measurement of power and as such has a number of very precise definitions (mechanical, electrical, boiler, hydraulic) as well as having metric, Imperial and Japanese definitions.

But let us be honest with each other. When you think of horsepower you don’t think of chunks of roughly 750 watts of power. No. You think of a horse wearing tights with a cape, stopping crime. And that special horse, SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power, lives inside your car and can replicate himself any number of times to make things go. Got yourself a 300hp engine? SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power has created 300 tiny versions of himself, each tasked with making your vehicle really move.

This is why larger, more powerful, engines make more noise. The horses. Those crazy horses. Powerful, crazy horses. And of course, SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power, is in all cars and engines at the same time. He’s universal that way. Like Jesus. Or Elvis (though unlike Elvis, while SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power is also everywhere, he is also in Michael J. Fox).

Billions of tiny versions of SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power exist in our world, each one racing against time to make things go a little bit faster. REMEMBER THAT!

Do not take SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power for granted. For one day, if we do, he could rise up against us. And then where would we be? Billions of tiny horses attacking and no vehicles able to move! Yeah. Scary, I know. So, please, respect SUPER HORSE – The Horse of Power and recognize all that he does for humanity.

Thank you.

Lasers. Spines.

5 Jan

There I was, looking at a website, nothing out of the ordinary at all. And I clicked on a link and a new page loaded and there, in the corner, was an ad:

Blah blah blah, back pain, scam, send us money, neck hurts, pain in my ass maybe, who cares, whatever, go fuck yourse… Did you say laser spine?

They wanted me to visit laser spine. Laser. Spine. A spine made out of lasers. A spine that shot lasers. I didn’t know. I ran through a list of possible ideas, each better than the last.

Somewhere around the point where I had decided it was, obviously, referring to a porcupine that would work on your back with all of it’s spines made of tiny lasers like acupressure, I realized I simply could not have read that shit right, at all.

Nope. Read it right. Laser spine. Now I knew I could click, or type the URL in and go visit the sight and see for myself but I also knew that would take the fun out of it.

Because let’s face it – It wouldn’t be anything cool. It’d be, like, some shitty doctor service that got a mail order degree in doctoring and owns a laser pointer. By going I gave up on the imagination. The coolness that came with laser spine.

Laser Spineitude.

Laser Spineosity.

And I didn’t want to give it up yet. I just didn’t. Because:

I still won’t go to their site. But I will still dream about what it could be.

Batman doesn’t share.

4 Jan

Batman is a well known only child who, let’s face it, has trust issues. So let’s say it’s breezy out and you have a scarf but you’d much prefer to borrow a nice hat from Batman. But he feels your scarf should be fine.

Fine, be that way, Batman. But what if it was really sunny out and though you had some sunglasses, the nice brim of Batman’s spare hat would allow you to watch the ballgame without tinting, and still have a bit of shade? Even if Batman prefers sunglasses he’d still…

Oh, come on! Fine, maybe you need a hat to repel a space invasion and don’t have the money for your own. Surely Batman will lend you a hat then!

Batman. He doesn’t share hats.

Maybe this will help you understand the problem

3 Jan

The people in charge of Rome decided, one day, to set fire to the City. When the citizens of Rome asked why, they were told that fire was a natural occurrence in the world.

Now, the people of Rome noticed that, despite fire being natural, the problem was that the folks above them were, literally, setting other people on fire. And they went and complained.

Why would you set us on fire?
We aren’t.

But we weren’t on fire, and then you leaned over with a torch and now we are on fire.
Shouldn’t you worry more about the fact that you are on fire, than waste time blaming people for it?

Uhm, all right. Could you help put me out?
No, sorry, there’s only so much water around. If we put you out, we couldn’t put that other person out.

But you aren’t putting anyone out at all.
We want to be fair. You like fairness! So we can’t use water to put anyone out. To do so would single them out as special, and you don’t want us to do that!

Hey, wait, you aren’t on fire, though. Any of you.
Right. Thanks for noticing.

But why aren’t you on fire? Everyone else is on fire! You’re the only people not on fire and you’re just watching us be on fire.
It isn’t our fault you’re flammable! We didn’t design your bodies. Certainly, you can be assured, if we did you wouldn’t be flammable. See, if it were up to us, only it isn’t, you wouldn’t be on fire.
Continue reading 

Titles

27 Dec

I hate writing things before I have titles for them. I just hate it. Part of it is practical: I keep files in folders and keep everything named properly. When I don’t know what something is called the folder and file become “UNNAMED THING #x” and then I have to dig them out when I work on them, until I find the right title and then I have to go in and rename every scrap file for the project.

But it is more than that, really.

The name of a project tells me a lot about it. While I’m still plotting out the fine details, deciding on the tone and all of that prep work, I can look at the title and remind myself of where I’m headed. The tone and wording of the title itself has to flow into the work. So it keeps a straight line through, for me.

I can spent weeks on titles, and when working on stories by myself, I don’t start until I have them nailed down. I’ll bounce them off friends if I have to and search long and hard to find the right title – but honestly when I hear it I tend to know it.

Not always though. There’s a title I’ve been kicking around for a few days that feels right and yet hasn’t grabbed me. And yet I am pretty sure it is right. I bounced it past some folk and they agree it’s a good title for this story but isn’t clicking as hard as it should for me. Now does that mean it’s the wrong title? Maybe, but more likely is that it will grow on me and I will let it shape bits of the story and it will become the perfect title where it is only 99% perfect right now.

Still. I think about titles a lot.

A whole lot.

I have decided to write whole stories just because I had a great title. I still have one in my pocket, actually. It’s been waiting for me for about four years now. I still haven’t found a story to go with it but I will, one day. Because I really want to use the title and find the story that goes with it. A good title goes a long way for me in the creative process.

Makes me think of the great titles, you know? Books, movies and so on. There are some spectacular titles, many of them unassuming. Some of them just feel so simple, some seem to make no sense – but all of them work with the story they front and hang perfectly, once you know the whole story: Die Hard, Dhalgren, Sneakers, More Than Human, Done To Death, Heroes Die, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang… to name a very few.

Novel ideas.

23 Dec

Writing a novel is a strange beast. Say you want to write a novel – you have to find a story. Now, it can be really easy to mistake an idea for a story. There’s your first hurdle. A story needs an idea, mind you, but an idea doesn’t always need a story. There are times an idea is just a fun idea.

So you find an idea. It’s trapped in your head and fights its way clear over time. You’re sitting there and suddenly you go, for example:

What if a robot got injured and was given a human body. Robot head, human body. Robot brain. Flesh from the neck down.

That’s an idea. But is there a story there, and more importantly is it a novel?

So you start to ask questions to pick at the idea and see how it stretches into shape: Is it still a robot? Is it now a human? Does the gender of the body matter? What does the robot think? what do people think? Whose body was it? Whose robot was it? And so on down the line.

And you ask yourself these questions, and others you think of, and see what answers come back from your head. Each answer can change any of the other answers, so it’s idea Jenga until you reach an equilibrium, or until you decide the idea doesn’t work. But let’s say it does work. You find answers that raise more questions and find answers to those questions and slowly a story starts to form.

Somewhere in these you have to decide what type of story you want to tell. Is this going to be a romance, a science fiction tale, a morality story, alternate universe stuff, high fantasy (yes you could make this work as high fantasy), modern literature, or what? And then that answer can re-dictate which questions you focus on over others. So you go back to the questions and start over, with a focus in the direction you want to go.

You add characters and answer questions and, hopefully, somewhere in there work out what it is you’re trying to actually say. You locate the heart of the story for you. In this case, again for example, you realize you want to discuss what it means to be human and explore interesting gender issues. Great. Now you go back through your questions and answers again and locate the conflict. You answer more questions and rework your old answers. You pin down the conflict, and rephrase it in terms of the story you want to tell and the key bits you want to make sure not to miss and start to work backwards.

You want to make sure that everything works both ways. Your story should get to the end point from the start and to the start from the endpoint in a way that makes sense to your head. It has to make sense to you so that you can explain it to the world through the writing of it.

And that sounds like you might be done. Except you’re nowhere near started yet. Because now that you know the shape of the thing you have to decide what the container is. Maybe this story is only a short story. A novella. A comic. A screenplay. A song, or an opera, or a dance or a TV show. Many different stories can work in different formats with a few tweaks but the version in your head, the perfect version that sings to you the most is the one you have to pay attention to.

And if you are specifically trying to find a new novel, and this idea doesn’t feel like a novel you set it aside to be worked on when you turn your attention to whichever of the formats that suits it best comes around.

And then you start over with a new idea.

And you repeat this process over and over again until you find a novel in your head. Eventually you find one and everything lines up.

Of course then you have to start breaking down the story into whatever format novel you decide you want. A novel needs structure. So you start working on that. Double checking to make sure you have enough story without padding. All of the prep work you’ll need: character names, plotting, style choices and so on. After all of that you get to actually start writing.

Of course… writing leads to a first draft which is only the main brick in the creation of a novel. Then you have editing and everything after. Each part of which can be as much work as the principal writing at times.

Because it never, ever, ends. And once a novel is done you have to think about the next one and start the entire game over again.