James Bond in Fuckfinger: An APK Production
In M’s office
M: Well James, it seems Fuckfinger has stolen a nuke and intends to bomb England if we don’t pay him seventeen and a half billion dollars.
Bond: Well for fuck’s sake, cut off his aunt’s tits and mail them to him. That should put a stop to this shit.
M: Bond! We would never…
Bond: And that’s why we have shitrags like Fuckfinger stealing nukes, innit?
Later: In Q’s laboratory
Bond: Right, fix me up with a testicle destabilizer then, we haven’t got all night.
Q: Excuse me Bond? I have a new watch for you. It shoots lasers and has a homing device and it can sonically break glass…
Bond: I can fucking well break glass with a brick, can’t I then? The fuck do I need a 30 grand watch to break a fucking pane of glass with? Fucking watches. Always with the fucking watches, could you crawl up Swatches ass anymore? What next Q? What the fuck next? ‘Oh look here Bond, we have a special today for you, it’s a cock ring that emits concussive explosions’?
Q: I… well … *tosses watch over his shoulder* I have a new car for you.
Bond: Does it turn invisible?
Q: Well yes, and it has lasers…
Bond: Enough with the damned lasers man! Fuck your lasers. I want the car equipped with a big fucking spike on the front.
Q: A… spike.
Bond: So I can spear people at high fucking speed and collect them up. Ought to serve as a warning.
Q: A… spear. Right. Big fucking spear. On the front. No lasers.
Bond: Not a single fucking laser.
Q: No watch?
Bond: No watch.
In a random Casino
Dealer: Sevens win again! *pushes money to Bond*
Bond: Bring me whores and drink!
Later: In Fuckfingers lair after being captured while sleeping off the whores and drink
Fuckfinger: And now Mr. Bond, you die.
Bond: Blow me you used up piece of ass garbage.
Fuckfinger: … what?
Bond: Yeah and suck off the Queen while yer at it too.
Bond: Go on, tell me how big your cock is why don’t you, maybe your girl over there will stop laughing if you use a hypnoray to make her think it’s bigger than a baby’s.
Fuckfinger: I’ll kill you.
Bond: Not with that small cock you won’t. Jesus.
Fuckfinger: You can’t talk to me that way! I’ll nuke London!
Bond: Have you been arsed to look at London recently? Who’d be able to tell?
Fuckfinger: You won’t outwit me, Bond…
Bond: I have lasers that can outwit you.
Fuckfinger: Now you…
Bond: Die. Yes, now I fucking well die. How?
Bond: How do I die now?
Fuckfinger: Well I have this big tank of water and I’m going to drop you in it, and there’s a timer and…
Bond: What the fuck is this? Adam West’s Batman? Good fuck man. *Bond cuts the ropes that hold him with a knife that spring releases from his crotch and steps over to Fuckfinger* Two to the back of the head, maybe that I could respect.
Fuckfinger: Free? But How?
Bond: And that is your fucking problem right there, exposition. Shut the fuck up man! *Bond knees Fuckfinger in the balls. Twice* Cunt.
Fuckfinger: Ack! I… Erk! I… *vomits* Oh…
Bond: Yeah. Ok. Nuke fucking London huh?
Bond: Right. *Bond bends Fuckfinger over and puts his Walther PPK up to his ass, emptying the clip and blowing the top of Fuckfinger’s head off, shooting straight up the man’s ass* For Queen and country and fuck all. Bring me whores and drink!
– Fini –