You know, a while back I thought about trying to get into writing porn. Writing funny/strange porn, mind you.

I figured, why should most porn be badly done Pizza Guy scenes when there is an almost untapped market for strange original comedies? This market exists everywhere, really and why shouldn’t porn get some of it?

I considered Seduction Cinema because they, at least, get the goofy angle to things. They not only do titles like Play-Mate of the Apes they don’t take them seriously. Rock on, kiddies, I say.

But it isn’t going far enough on the farce scale for me.

I wanted to write porn that was half slapstick. Sure, there’s fucking and wanton fucking at that, but there were also touching, heart-warming scenes of people falling down stairs.

It’s all in how you do it. Someone falls down stairs? Pratfalls are funny. Someone falls down the stairs, causing her clothing to come off? PratPorn falls are born. Everything can lead to fucking. Think about it. Sex can just happen bang you don’t know when. One minute you’re trying to get your car restarted on the highway. The next minute a cute female cop stops to lend you a hand. But while she’s looking at your engine, the thing starts, a fan belt grabs her shirt and in the ensuing madness you end up fucking.

The transition needs a bit of work, but it could happen and if you think it couldn’t… well maybe my life has been more interesting than yours.

Still, why wouldn’t some of the movies like American Pie still work if they also had some honest-to-Holmes fucking in them? We have this hang-up about it that needs to be broken down and I figure I might be the guy to do the breaking.

So, of course, I couldn’t find a good way to break into the business, much less a company that would be interested. You all miss out, now. My porn-genius will go undiscovered.

But still, for you guys, I will give you a bit of a script idea I was working on:

Pr0n: The movie

The set-up: A guy gets sucked into his computer and forced to play various adult themed video games, from the inside. He also has to stop the Master Computer from destroying him, because it wants to take over the world through superior processor power. Only Pr0n stands in the Master Computer’s way.

Ok, maybe that one wasn’t the best. But the War Games porn parody was just depressing. No, no, I kid, I keeed! What we need is original, well written, funny porn – to enlighten, amuse and titillate audiences around the globe. So – either who’s hiring or who wants to fund and star in a movie? Cause I got ideas. Big ideas. Ideas with Koosh balls and Pez dispensers. I even have an idea with a Slinky, but you aren’t ready for that one yet.