Gandalf: Carefully we must tread, ‘ere long we find ourselves besieged by villainous forces seeking to take the Ring itself and use its ghastly power to…

Frodo Jackson: Motherfucker! Let’s just get this motherfucking ring to motherfucking Mordor!

Aragorn: Still! We must creep by night and be wise of foot, lest the evil forces of Sauron…

Frodo Jackson: Motherfuckers! Listen. To. Me. We take this motherfucking ring, see? And we toss the shit in the volcano. What we don’t do, understand, is sit around talking about this shit for three months. Motherfuckers! Do you think I want to walk up that mountain in the motherfucking snow? If we go now it’ll still be spring.

Gandalf: I urge caution.

Aragorn: As do I.

Frodo Jackson: I urge you motherfuckers to get out my way! How’s that for urging? Frodo empties his .9mm into Aragorn and Gandalf Motherfuckers.

Earlier in the story of Nina Emo Teen

Dear Diary,

Mizzi-chan won’t talk to me. She says I stole the spirit of the hunt and that there is none for her now. She talks of quitting and running away from home as I did. I warned her about bears but she will not listen. She wants to see open water.

My parents have tried to ground me but I snuck out anyway. Ha! They are not so smart.

Grounded. Parents very good at ninja tricks.

Mizzi-chan ran away! I do not know what to do! I feel a dark black emptiness inside myself since she left. Or perhaps that is my outfit. Unsure. Will investigate further.

Shuriken class is still a political nightmare. They drone on about being Masterless and free and yet keep us in this school like slaves to the Emperor. I tried to speak out about it but only got stabbed in the arm for my troubles.

Kokunha-san smirked, I could see the shape of his lips twitch.

Letter from Mizzi-chan arrived in secret today. She claims to have reached open water. Working on ship now. Says to call her Good-Eye Mizzi. Does this mean my love is a pirate? Must follow and find out.

While packing to hunt down Mizzi-chan… Good-Eye Mizzi, remembered bear. Need to find bear traps. Possibly explosives.

We both ended up at Lunacon this past weekend and had a blast with the likes of Catheryn Valente who is an amazing writer herself (and frankly gives me something to strive towards as an author). All in all a fun and crazy weekend that many of you missed out on. Your loss.

There will be the return of funny stuff soon (more Emo Ninja Teen in a few days at most and some Shatner and surprise guest advice) I promise. Just wamped with other things that need my attention. So in the meantime, go buy books if you haven’t.

Let’s take stock a second.

No, scratch that. Let’s think about Pauly Shore. I mean, here was a guy who had it all, right? Don’t deny you loved the man – we all loved him, that’s why we turned on his annoying little career. He was a Golden Weasel God until he started making movies. That’s when we realized that there was only so much Shore you could take. I say you because I fucking well own Biodome on DVD, you bitches.

Still he went from the guy who could do no wrong to the one who could do no right.

A lot of careers go that way.

Which is why, upon deeper consideration, I will never do a movie with Tia Carrere. You’ll get the connection eventually. Maybe. I hope. Possibly?