DECEPTICONSORT

Yes folks, it is DECEPTICONSORT, the bestest website for hand drawn Transformers porn and a smattering of fanfic.

I will not reproduce any of the pictures here, but I will give you some of their descriptions (my comments in italics):

* Arcee posing (female nudity) – I gotta say, I didn’t know Arcee was into tattoos. Well, just one I guess. And so… well… placed.

* Everyone’s favourite giant robot ninja lady – female nudity, masturbation and the improper use of nunchakus. Beware! – I have no clue who this is, in Transformers land. I don’t want to know. but I didn’t even know everyone else had a favorite giant robot ninja lady until this.

* Starsky & Megs again. ‘Sucky-sucky, soldier boy? Only five dollar!’ – This is the first time I have seen Starscream referred to as Starsky and I wanna know where the fuck Hutch is!

* Transmetal Tarantulas discovers the fun thing about having hands. Solo. – Hand Solo? I thought this was Transformers not Star Wars.

Those’re just some of the pictures in store for you. But wait, there’s more!

There’s also fanfic. Sexay fanfic. For example:
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And so it was that one day Megatron was taking a Spooky Robot Shower and was nekkid, and Starscream did walk by and in a moment of thoughtless abandon he went, ‘WOO!’

..But then Megatron did turn around quite fast and though Starscream jumped like a crazy boy to get out of his line of sight oh, it was far too late. Megatron did spank his bottle of Spooky Robot Turtle Wax right down upon the shower shelf and storm out of the stall to glower forcefully at the quite cute and delicious Jet Boy who was cowering where he did fall in the next stall. Starscream sort of hunkered there and tried to look like a kicked puppy as a sort of terrified last resort and Megatron glared down at him with solvent dripping off his hunky wet nekkid robot self and said, ‘WHAT?’

Starscream kept perfectly still in this quicksand, but it went through his mind for a moment to say, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were a girl,’ and a grin slowly clawed its way onto his face.

Megatron continued to glare. He then picked up the Air Commander by the neck, fairly easily even without his powered armor, and hauled him back to the shower. Starscream responded with confused obedience, hoping to make nothing worse.

Megatron posed him under the stream of solvent and walked out of the stall, stopped, turned to face him, and paused. Starscream stood under the solvent looking back with a great deal of wet jet pathetic kicked puppy expressiveness. ‘Take your armor off, you idiot,’ Megatron barked after a disgruntled moment, and after yet another pause Starscream moved to obey, slowly and deliberately removing first his wings, then gauntlets.. torsoplates, skidplates and helmet- ‘Stop,’ Megatron interrupted. ‘Turn around.’

Starscream did as he was told and turned his back on his commander. He also thought, ‘Oh SHIT..’

‘You actually possess a fairly good body, Starscream.. I must say I’m surprised. I never would have thought you might be attractive under all that compensatory nonsense.’

(except from “Starscream Makes Up His Mind”)
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And there are also audio files. Yes, audio files.

What more could any fan of Transformers porn ask for? …no, don’t tell me. Please don’t tell me.

So someone made a cute video of a Wii-mote ending up in the hands of Link’s sister during Wind Waker. Shut up, it’s cute.

Sometimes I make a mistake and wonder how much stranger the world could get. Then something like the Dustin Diamond tape surfaces, or Madonna adopts a baby from its father, and the father doesn’t realize it at first, or a hundred other things.

I mean how can I be expected to write horror when I see a picture of Cameron Diaz that looks like this:

And your little dog, too!

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma (AP) — A candidate for state superintendent of schools said Thursday he wants thick used textbooks placed under every student’s desk so they can use them for self-defense during school shootings.

“People might think it’s kind of weird, crazy,” said Republican Bill Crozier of Union City, Oklahoma, a teacher and former Air Force security officer. “It is a practical thing; it’s something you can do. It might be a way to deflect those bullets until police go there.”

Crozier and a group of aides produced a 10-minute video Tuesday in which they shoot math, language and telephone books with a variety of weapons, including an AK-47 assault rifle and a 9mm pistol. The rifle bullet penetrated two books, including a calculus textbook, but the pistol bullet was stopped by a single book.

Crozier said the demonstration shows that a student could effectively use a textbook as protection in a school shooting.

An Oklahoma Highway Patrol spokesman was skeptical.

“He probably needs to take a look at some ballistics tests,” Lt. Pete Norwood said. “There are some rifles not even Webster’s Dictionary will stop.”
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“Back off man, I have a math text!”

“Well now that I’m in American History 102 I feel safer, thanks to the book…”
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Discuss.

When the mailman rings your door and hands you a box with vitamins and ulcer medicine and you feel all happy and like your day is going right – you might just also feel old for a bit.

Or at least I did.

I mean, it isn’t the sort of thing I used to wait around for, ya know? And now that I’ve had breakfast (vitamin, prilosec, red bull) and written a bunch I have to get dressed and go do some chores outside. Then get back to more writing. And one day I’ll be able to discuss at least one of the many secret projects I am working on.

Let’s just hope no one on the Mets has a pilot’s license.

MSNBC is reporting that O.J. Simpson is writing a book. Stop laughing. The book is tentatively called “If I Did Do It” and will be a “hypothetical” account of the Nicole Simpson murders.

Of course, MSNBC’s source is the National Enquirer. But hey, any port in a newsworthy storm, right?

“The early part of the book tells how Simpson fell in love with Nicole and how the marriage collapsed, reports the tab. He goes on, according to the article, to describe in gruesome detail the killing of his ex-wife and Goldman; he stipulates that the murder scenes are “hypothetical.” But, notes the tab, the descriptions are “so detailed and so chillingly realistic” that readers are left with little doubt as to what really happened.”

Mostly, beyond all of this, I love the fact that the NE is now a good source to quote for news. Holy shit when did that happen?

Anyway. O.J. Simpson – still murdering scum. There you go.

Ran into his wife on the way out of the building today. She was sweeping up leaves at the curb and as I got closer she looked up at me and froze in terror. Not because of me, I swear, but her eyes got wide and she had this look like ‘why would someone be coming to talk to me?’ She was nodding at me before I ever began to talk.

“The, uhhh, super left a book for me to look at?” I asked her, smiling and shrugging.

“Yes?” she nodded and nodded again, her voice nothing more than a whisper.

“So, you know, the book, and I was thinking I could get it so I could… he left a book for me, right?”

“Yes?”

“Uhm, I can come back…”

“No,” she said like a curse and scampered off, feet shuffling away like locomotion. She left the wheeled garbage tub, broom and scooper just sitting there on the curb so I stayed in sight of them to prevent someone coming by and grabbing something. Who knows, right?

A few minutes later she returns with this… box. I started to say something about how this was a whole box not a book but stopped myself when she looked at me full of hesitation and worry. I nodded and smiled.

“Ah yes, thank you, this is perfect. I’ll just run this upstairs.”

She paled. I thought about it a second and realized she was a bit nervous to just give this box to someone and have it walk away.

“He asked me to, you know, so I’m gonna… all right?”

She nodded and handed me a piece of paper. It had a note from Super Hax0r on it, with his number and a thank you. I took it and nodded and smiled again and tried to not bolt for the door of the building.

So I dropped the box off (it’s a GPS all right, fun!) and came back downstairs. Right outside the door was Super Hax0r himself. He was like Siegfreid, or Roy. WHOOSH there he was, right after I stepped outside.

“It is good?” he wanted to know.

I nodded at him and shrugged, “It seems great, I’ll call you tomorrow about it all, all right?”

“Yes, yes is good.”

“Is,” I agreed and went on my merry way.

It’s time for some simple life advice, courtesy of the old Midway arcade game Rampage:

So someone posted an entry regarding The Bechdel Test. Basically the Bechdel Test is a test for fiction/movies/media that works as follows. In order to pass the test a work must have at least two women in it who talk to each other about something other than men. Which, I admit, is NOT what the entry I read was really saying. It is what others have said, and it is a findable attitude of anger that things don’t pass this test and that somehow invalidates them. No, the entry somehow equated Bechdel to a measure of quality which is even stranger to me, but moving on…

On one hand the Bechdel Test makes sense. There are a lot of things that do not pass this test. A ton! The Odyssey, for one! Still, it can be a problem, the way women are treated in fiction.

But here is my problem, as a writer:

Who the fuck are you to tell me how to write?

Where are the laws about gay characters? How many minorities should I have in a given story? Do you want to tell me how many dogs? Antelope? They’re under represented all the time in fiction!

Christ I understand it’s a problem but come on. This doesn’t raise awareness. It doesn’t do anything but sound like a bigger problem. One forcing people to write to spec.

Yes, every writer should write real people, assuming the are writing about real people. I mean, no one gets on Y, the Last Man for not having enough men, right? It’s part of the story.

Are non-white-male characters often getting a short stick in terms of their portrayal in fiction? Often. Is anyone even half seriously using a test to see if a work “passes” a criteria a good response? No.

I could write you, and I am so fucking tempted right now, a story with women, that passes this test and also features every stereotype known to man, every racial slur, every horrible thing anyone would get mad at. But it would pass this test.

So yes. As a concept the test shines a light on a problem. However, taking it as an applied thing can create even more problems.

So there you go.

On an utterly reverse topic, and yet not, is the use of gays in modern fictional stories. Specifically TV and comics come to mind. If you create a gay character for any reason you are considered to be shoehorning them in for political reasons. You can not, it seems, have a character be gay simply because they are. That concept is not yet understood.

Which is frustrating. I actually saw a review of a book, a superhero book, where the reviewer said that the two women kissing threw him out of the story because it wasn’t something he could directly relate to. Apparently he can directly relate to wearing his underwear on the outside and fucking well flying around town, right?

Still. I wonder if he ever thought that there’s a gay guy in Topeka that can’t relate to all the men/women pairing going on.

Now the two seem related, don’t they?

They aren’t on all levels. One isn’t saying “Here’s a test to tell if something passes a criteria”. It’s just saying that the AUDIENCE, not the writers, are not accepting what the writers are trying to do: reflect reality.

Which brings us right back. The Odyssey. It doesn’t pass. Well. All right. But uhm, are we allowed to take the time of creation and political and social state of the world into account for older works? I don’t know.

Christ this whole thing is bullshit. Writers? Bullshit. Readers? Bullshit. Editors and publishers? Bullshit. And fuck me, I fit in all 4 categories to one degree or another. So take everything I say as having a large chance of being bullshit. Cause there you go.

Now think for yourselves and have a nice day.