I just got some spam with the following subject line:
I didn’t bother to read the email. I already know that story. Let me explain…
See, once upon a time I worked as a Mad Scientist. It happens, you need to pay the bills and find yourself building death rays. It wasn’t really great work, long hours crappy pay, no good lair to speak of. But I kept at it. And I considered getting into the robot business. Robots sell. They can be a bitch to work out, but if you get it right you can do great things.
Just remember everyone tends to want Cylon eyes and Dalek voices, add the capacity to go up and down stairs, a gun and a laser or two and you have a sale.
I wanted more than that.
So I built a sperm robot. What was the thing for? Well it was a normal looking robot, Cylon eyes and Dalek voice, a gun in the foot and laser ears, but it could also shout “Sperm!” when attacking and then kinda wiggle its hips around as if it was trying to spawn upstream. You would be surprised, or maybe not, how disturbing that was. I figured it would take a lot of people off guard and allow for better killing numbers.
Well, I was wrong. No one wanted one. They were all too freaked out by the idea. So I retrofitted it with a segmented torso, to enhance the undulating swimming motion. The longer sperm robot was born. I was impressed, my customers less so.
Worse yet, they talked about it endlessly. If they wanted to buy a fucking lava gun they would manage to work in “and no longer sperm robot, ok?” every time. Fuckers. It cost me business. It got ugly. I couldn’t even afford henchmen, after a while.
So I ran some ads. I dropped the price. I tried to give them away. I contacted a firm that promised email marketing. They sent out that mail. Well, that pissed me off. First I make a robot that kills my career and then I become known as a spammer? Well fuck. I killed them all, the only time the LSR-4590 was ever used in combat. The undulation was fantastically creepy, for the record.
In the end I destroyed the robots, gave up the gig and got a job doing “normal” things for a change. But today, to get my own mail back like that? Just brings it all back, man. Fucking robots.
(I actually did just get spam with that subject line, I just couldn’t ignore it. Forgive me. Some things beg to be written)