(via WCSH 6) – Costumed Captain America Arrested In Burrito Assault

According to police, a man dressed as Captain America attacked a woman inside a Melbourne, Florida bar.

She says he came into the bar brandishing a burrito, made rude suggestions and grabbed her between her thighs.

Officials said the woman’s boyfriend fought him off and called police.

Police said that when they got to the establishment, they found several men matching what should have been a unique description.

Police said the situation stemmed from a pub crawl sponsored by a pharmaceutical company in which the participants wore costumes.

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My thoughts, in order:

• Where did D.J. Kirkbride score a Captain America costume? (but then I read past the headline and saw it wasn’t an assault ON burritos.)
• He made rude suggestions with a burrito? What kind of burrito was it? Does that change things for anyone else, because it changes things for me.
• Wait, if he was brandishing the burrito, maybe it was D.J.
• Iron Man probably had something to do with this.
• The story is still better than the 1990 Captain America movie.
• Iron Man probably had something to do with that, as well.
• Maybe Iron Man is D.J. Kirkbride and he wears armor to hide the fact that he has burritos close to him at all times.
• But why would he then give Captain America a burrito instead of just hoarding them?
• AH HA! Iron Man was the woman who was assaulted with the burrito!
• I’m hungry, and would like a burrito now.