A mash-up throw-down. It was suggested that I wrote 300 Club. However it wasn’t decided if that meant 300 + The 700 Club, 300 + The Breakfast Club or 300+ Fight Club. So this is really:

300 CLUB
300 + The Breakfast Club + Fight Club + The 700 Club
Leonidus: You want us to submit to you. You see how us you want to see us! A Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan and a Spartan. But really we are all a Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan and a Spartan and do not fit in your boxes.

Principal Robertson: Listen up, screwballs. You have religious detention, all right? And that means you sit here and listen to THE WORD. For the Word will save you, because only the Word can save you so you will be saved in the name of the Word. Am I understood?

Leonidus: No?

Principal Robertson: You’re not fooling anyone Leonidus.

Leonidus: Eat my spear.

Principal Robertson: What was that?

Leonidus: Eat… My… Spear.

Principal Robertson: You just bought yourself another invasion.

Leonidus: Ooh I’m crushed.

Principal Robertson: You just bought one more.

Leonidus: Well I’m free to kill your hordes the week after that. Beyond that, I’m going to have to check my calendar.

Principal Robertson: Good, cause it’s going to be filled. We’ll keep going. You want another one? Just say the word say it. Instead of going to sit with your pagan Gods you’ll come here. Are you through?

Leonidus: No. THIS! IS! SPARTA!

Dilios: Remember, Leonidus, though you are our King there are rules.

Leonidus: What is the first rule of being Spartan?

Dilios: You don’t talk about being Spartan!

Leonidus: What is the second rule of being Spartan?

Dilios: You don’t talk about being Spartan!

Leonidus: And yet we are. Strange, isn’t it?

Dilios: Methinks it is because our Queen is still a virgin.

Queen Gorgo: No I’m not!

Dilios: Oh please! Have you been felt up, over the toga, sandals off…

Queen Gorgo: Yes.

Dilios: Under the toga…

Queen Gorgo: I have a child you moron.

Leonidus: Dilios! Prepare for glory!

Dilios: Sir?

Leonidus: You’re a neo maxi zoom dweebie!

Daxos: Harsh!

Leonidus: It is strange though.

Queen Gorgo: My husband?

Leonidus: People are always asking me if I know Xerxes.

Principal Robertson: Shut up! All of you! Now listen to me. Jesus will save you! Your heathen Gods can not help you now. You know I’m right, which is why we’re here today. You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people.

Leonidus: I have to impress no one!

Principal Robertson: You don’t fool me, Leonidus.

Leonidus: Listen well. Soon, the world will know that students stood against a principal, that few stood against one, and that before this battle is done, that even Pat Robertson can bleed.

Principal Robertson: I’m going to go pray for your soul. The next time I have to come in here I’m crackin’ skulls.

Leonidus: What must a student do to save an empire?

Queen Gorgo: Instead my husband you should ask yourself, what would a freeman do.

Leonidus: Detention is almost over. Tonight, we dine in HELL!

Dilios: The cafeteria DOES suck.

Leonidus: Tell me about it. Still, listen up, Spartans. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing. Fuck what you know. You need to forget about what you know, that’s your problem. Forget about what you think you know about life, about friendship, THIS IS SPARTA!

Queen Gorgo: We know.

Daxos: You’ve said it.

Dilios: We know where we live, thanks.

Leonidus: We accept the fact that we had to hold off an invasion for a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is that we did wrong in not buying into your Christ myth. But we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is . . .

A Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan, a Spartan and a Spartan.