Maybe I should write a series of children’s books. No, for seriously. They could be all about the real issues that were, when I was a kid, brushed under the rug a lot. It could be the second book in my Unfuck Your Own Shit series, except for kids.

When is it All Right to Hit… and other questions?

Including the hard hitting questions:

When it is all right to shit myself?

Sometimes we get scared. Most times, however, we should hold out sphincters and bladders tight. Partly this will help us in not leaving an obvious trail for predators to follow. Partly it is simply polite. But there are times when it is reasonable to just let fly. Certainly when you are being eaten alive by an animal larger than yourself. That might even save your life. When a big bully is about to rape your ass, shitting on them could save you some pain.

When is it all right to count chickens before they hatch?

Pretty much never. Except, possibly, as a math exercise. But even then, really, you have to ask yourself if you are doing it because you want as lot of fuzzy yellow chicks or if you are doing it because you want to make a lot of eggs for breakfast. Remember, we live in a universe where the observer defines reality at a quantum level to an extent. So if you wish all willy-nilly you could be killing hordes of tiny fuzzy yellow baby chicks.

What do I do if I think there are monsters under my bed?

Grab a flashlight and go check. Look, chances are fairly high that there are no monsters under your bed. Monsters don’t live under beds. Under your bed is tiny and cramped. If they wanted to eat you they would just burst into the room and take you. But let’s say there was a monster under your bed. Think of it. You’re a monster and you think you have a scared little kid above you. Suddenly the kid comes bravely down to confront you. Wouldn’t you think this kid could kick your ass? Yeah. Monsters run. The bed hiding ones tend to, at least.

How does Daddy keep finding new Aunts for me to meet?

Daddy is dating. They aren’t Aunts. They’re girlfriends. Daddy is trying to protect you, instead of telling it like it is. Don’t worry, they won’t stick around. They’re too young for him and too vapid. But let Daddy have his fun and play along. For extra fun time ask him how some of the past-Aunts are, when he introduces a current one. Everyone will laugh.

Why does extinction hurt?

A recent study had the following to say: “The peculiar pose of many fossilized dinosaurs, with wide-open mouth, head thrown back and recurved tail, likely results from the agonized death throes typical of brain damage and asphyxiation.” So you see, extinction isn’t a meteor coming down and all the dinosaurs taking a gentle nap that they don’t wake up from. Extinction hurts. It hurts because it is final, and brutal. Mother nature doesn’t dick around, you see. So extinction hurts simply so that we will want to avoid it, for ourselves or others. Unless we want to cause entire species a whole lot of pain. In which case extinction is a viable option.

When is it all right to hit?

Hitting is generally frowned upon. But sometimes it is necessary. You can hit to stop other people from hitting. You can hit when you are being hit in a brutal fashion – i.e. spankings are not generally hitting, generally. You can hit a bully if they hit first. You can hit all sorts of things at the right times and places. You can always hit when you need to punch your way out of a hot zone to reach your pick-up point and get an airlift out of Communist China.