Optimus Prime – Optimus. Optimistic. “Hey, I might get laid!”

Ultra Magnus – Trojan makes both an Ultra and a Magnum condom. Ultra Magnus is clearly the quick realization that you better be truly prepared for the sex. The moment to brace yourself.

Rodimus Prime – Rodimus? Really? Well, obviously he is the cock. The sex. the goal. The ultimate stuff of dreams.

It just turned out to be the worst, most fumbling teenage sex of your life. The kind of sex that contains not only the exchange “Is it in yet?” “It’s been in.” but also “Oh man, I’m gonna have s… give me fifteen minutes and I can try again.” Rodimus Prime was the kinda sex that chafes. The hand job that gives you an Indian burn. The cunnilingus that feels like a Saint Bernard given pot has been going at it.

Plus, you thought having sex while “You have the touch! You have the power!” played was somehow hot. You were very wrong.

Of course we all loved it and swore it was the best sex ever, at the time.