Optimus Prime – Optimus. Optimistic. “Hey, I might get laid!”

Ultra Magnus – Trojan makes both an Ultra and a Magnum condom. Ultra Magnus is clearly the quick realization that you better be truly prepared for the sex. The moment to brace yourself.

Rodimus Prime – Rodimus? Really? Well, obviously he is the cock. The sex. the goal. The ultimate stuff of dreams.

It just turned out to be the worst, most fumbling teenage sex of your life. The kind of sex that contains not only the exchange “Is it in yet?” “It’s been in.” but also “Oh man, I’m gonna have s… give me fifteen minutes and I can try again.” Rodimus Prime was the kinda sex that chafes. The hand job that gives you an Indian burn. The cunnilingus that feels like a Saint Bernard given pot has been going at it.

Plus, you thought having sex while “You have the touch! You have the power!” played was somehow hot. You were very wrong.

Of course we all loved it and swore it was the best sex ever, at the time.

Just had a conversation about a new column name (you’ll find out soon enough), and the old joke came back: Moose Bukkake. I have been threatening to call a column Moose Bukkake for a few years now. I just never really want to do it because the column would never live up to the name. Anyway. I suggest it again and I get the following reply:

“It doesn’t roll off the tongue.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you D.J. Kirkbride! Yeah, D.J. (or as he is known this week, Gravy) didn’t mean anything by it. He didn’t even realize what he was saying. Hells. Yes.

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I have, in my bedroom, a portable A/C. It has a hose that goes into the pimped out custom screen (for seriously, the screen is all covered in duct tape and has a hole cut into it and the hose is mounted and reinforced and shit) and the unit itself just sits on the floor.

Now this unit sucks water out of the air like a cheap whore and stores it in a bin down below. Up on top there are lights and displays and dials. I do like me some lights and displays and dials.

And last night the red light went on. The red light means that the water bin is full and the A/C refuses to C the A until it is emptied some. Which is fine, except it has never done that before and it was late and I had no clue where the instructions were. So I shook the unit, to get a judge of things and mostly, to be fair, in frustration. I didn’t wrassle it. I shoved it. Like a toddler. I shoved it like I shove toddlers.

And GOOSH its water broke. I was all “Just breathe you’ll be fine!” but then I remembered it was an A/C and not a pregnant pygmy woman covered in white plastic. So I got some paper towels, about 3/4 of a roll, and cleaned up after the thing. It spilled enough water all over the floor, at least, that the A started to be all C’d again.

So now, this is how I plan on emptying it in the future. Shoving. I am the Shover Human, I am here to protect you. Spill your water down the stairs.

Yes, from the fine folks at clubNAMCO comes… wait. Why are they fine folks? I mean they could be total fucking dickheads for all we know! Right then! Take two!

From the possible decent but also possibly stupid as fuck guys at clubNAMCO come a hat so amazing, so astounding that only someone with a license to make Pac-Man merchandise could have done it!

The Pac-Man plush head! $29.99! But note the following, from the website:

Measurements: Adult size – approximately 12″ h x 8″ w.

Not for children under 3 years of age.

NOT available to ship to addresses in Massachusetts, Ohio and Pennsylvania.

Hear that MA, OH and PA? You are not good enough to get Pac-Man hats! Go stand in a corner and think about what you’ve done!

All right children. Question and answer time. I ask the questions! You give the answers! These are both going to be fairly sexual in nature so consider yourselves warned. Or don’t. Just close your eyes and drop your pants and everything will be just fine. You trust me, don’t you? What? No, that isn’t the sound of a rubber glove you just heard. Ignore it. Just focus on the questions.

Question One: How much would you charge if someone wanted to make a Real Doll of you? They wouldn’t be there when the casting was done but the doll would be a replica of you to the pore. Exactly, or as close as Real Dolls can get, like you in face and body. What would it take to get you to say yes to that?

Question Two: This question needs some back story! I heard a story today from a friend of mine about someone who masturbated in his office. He really couldn’t wait to get home or go to a bathroom and so he ended up pulling up the edge of his chair mat and jerking off against it. Now, as fucked up as that human is, he is not the question. The question is simple. What piece of office furniture would you fuck first, if you had to fuck one? Men? Women? Rubbing ff on a file cabinet? Going to town with your Red Swingline? Mouse up your ass? Dear lord don’t stick your dick in the shredder!

Isn’t it simply wonderful? Ariana pointed me to it, though somehow I want to say I posted it before years ago. I dunno, it echoes like I’ve seen it somehow. Whatever. It’s funny. I post it now. There.

* Anyone can read what you post as public. Wanting them not to is just fucking silly. If you don’t want it to be read by anyone who owns a computer and feels like reading it then either don’t damn well post it or use some type of security.

* You never have to ask before you decide to read someone’s blog, subscribe to their RSS feeds, or anything of that sort. Again, if the posts are public then you are using a public resource. If, at some time, the thing you are reading goes non-public, then you are possibly out of luck. But while it is? It’s publicly available.

* If you post it, people will read it. If they read it, they will have opinions on it. If you allow them the resource to tell you what they think about it, it will be used. So why would you ever act surprised that someone disagrees with you? Are you infallible? Outside of a Pope, I don’t think anyone gets to claim that, and I don’t buy it from him either so you’re really shit out of luck. Hey, here’s an idea! If you want to present a forum where you shout ideas and no one is allowed to disagree with you? Don’t make it public!

Why is this hard?

There is a picture with this post. In this picture (taken from comics101.com and then trimmed a bunch to remove everything else from possible focus) is a man.

The man in this picture is George Lucas.

George Lucas is wearing a t-shirt.

It is a Han Shot First t-shirt.

George Lucas is wearing a Han Shot First t-shirt.

Is that the sound of the universe opening a tear and sucking itself into a horrible infinite loop? It might be. The rest of the photo, for the record, shows Lucas talking to Harrison Ford who is in Indy garb. Which, I grant you is even funnier in some ways.

Because then, you see, George Lucas is wearing a Han Shot First t-shirt while talking to Han Solo. All right, actually, here is that as well.

Lucas talking to Han Solo while wearing a Han Shot First t-shirt. The recursion is mind-boggling.

 
 
 
 

Well it seems official: I will be taking a trip to the other coast in a few weeks. A day trip to LA for an important meeting type lunch, and then drinking with Kirkbride. After that (Aug 10th-13th) a few days in SF with family and some friends.

If you’d like in on that, let me know. Time is short so I don’t know if I can actually cram people in but I’ll certainly try my best.

Dustin and I review A Fish Called Wanda. Including the lines:

Adam: Or possibly dead souls walking the Earth.

Dustin: I think I could be a party to that. Hit it.

Adam: See, dear readers, we don’t just watch the films, we research them as cheaply as possible to bring you the saved time! For free!

Do you read books and watch movies for the destination or the journey?

It’s a serious question. Some people love M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s movies. Some people love Harry Potter. In both cases it seems that they put the plot, the twists, above the getting there.

I value the journey above everything else, personally. It’s why spoilers don’t bother me much, if at all. Knowing that the boat sinks doesn’t … bad example, didn’t like that movie. Uhm. Knowing that at the end of the book or movie something happens, knowing what that something is, how the story ends doesn’t ruin a story for me. The story, for me, is how they get there, what happens and where it all goes.

Some things seem to be nothing but the twist at the end though. Nothing but the plot and they getting there isn’t as important. I’ve seen it recently with a lot of people reading Harry Potter. “The writing isn’t what’s important” I saw someone say. Which means the plot twists and turns must be all that is. I’ve seen a bunch of people say they are not written really well but… and that “but” kills me. It seems to wrap up a lot of things. People who only read a series of bad books to see what happens, because even though they don’t enjoy the story, they want to know how it ends. Why does it matter? If it’s bad and you don’t like it, why do you care?

Sure, I’ll have conversations about climax and anti-climax and structure and twists and plot points: these things are needed in storytelling, I am not saying they are all rubbish. Just that they are ways to tell the story – not the story itself. And that seems to be missing for a lot of people.