(via D.J. Kirkbride): Do the Puppet Master with Elijah Wood! Do it! Do it now, bitches! Dance like you fucking mean it!

So, seriously though, when did Mr. Wood become A) A porn star and B) Ronnie Gardocki?

Midget Muay Thai Kickboxing. That’s right. Fuck yes!

Good morning, Intardwebs.

Naw, I got nothing so far. I’m thinking of going out this weekend. Maybe Sunday brunch all the way downtown. Maybe not. I don’t know yet. If anyone wants to chime in with ideas, please do.

I was thinking, for the record, of brunch at Sidewalk, if I do it.

Past that though? Nothing. Nada. I got zilch.

Maybe later I can brain.

It might just be movie news day here. So, running with that train here are some snippets:

Rian Jonson (the guy who wrote and directed Brick, one of my favorite movies) has written and directed a new film: The Brothers Bloom, about some con men. Color me happy. Find that crayon. The one marked Happy. Now stay within the lines.

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(via Gamedaily) In darker news CP Productions has announced it will be working on a new Joust movie. Yes, Joust, the video game.

“Cerenzie calls the new script by Marc Gottlieb “Gladiator meets Mad Max.” The film is set 25 years in the future and includes a Las Vegas suspended in mid-air.”

Will it have people riding giant mutant ostrich? We can only hope.

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Virgin has the rights to Dan Dare, and is going to release a new Dan Dare comic written by Garth Ennis. The film side is they are also actively shopping around to film it up. A Dan Dare film? Could be fucking cool! The comic will almost certainly be cool. But a Dan Dare film? Could manage to rock.

I hear that not only are they remaking The Day the Earth Stood Still but Keanu will play Klaatu. Seriously now. Ghetto Alvin and the Chipmunks? Fine! I’m sorry I complained. What will it take for this to not happen? There is no need to remake this. none.

Scott Derrickson is listed as director. He did Hellraiser: Inferno and The Exorcism of Emily Rose. He wrote them both, and also wrote Urban Legends: Final Cut.

I truly can’t understand why they’re doing this.

D.J. Kirkbride and I reviewed Superman III. Over at The Footnote, that is. Dear lord, we reviewed Superman III.

APK: Well, you tell me. How did Ricky make you feel?

DJ: Ricky Lang, Lana’s bastard son… was worse than the kid in Superman Returns. Was he dubbed the whole movie? I don’t think that was Ricky’s voice.

APK: It wasn’t? Milli VaRicky?

Why isn’t there far more Ninja Porn? Porn starring ninja, yes you heard me. Why isn’t there a ton of it? Ninja are popular! Porn is popular! And yet, even ninjaporn.com isn’t actually porn!

And yes I know there is some, so all of you who are about to tell me about one little bit of it? Hold off. I’m not asking about one thing. I’m saying where is the bulk of it? Why isn’t there a bulk of it?

There is more porn with balloons than ninja. Think about that!

And again I don’t mean anime. I mean porn. Real people doing things to each other for money on film. Midgets? Check. Ninja? not so much.

I don’t get it.

Nature is silly. Look at it! Silly. All of it. All of us, too, of course – since we’re part of nature and whatnot.

Still. Silly. Just plain silly.

Eight minutes of a Japanese (shocker) show with a chimp walking five bulldogs. It is worth watching, all of it. Because it gets very strange, and very funny.

Mary had a little lamb.
Whose fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The sheep followed, bleating and bitching and shitting in the road.

Eventually, Mary contracted anthrax and died.

Her mother, of course, blamed the other farmers for not warning Mary fast enough. She sued and ground them down into dust. When it settled, as dust will, there was simply no one left in the town to keep the place running. The town dropped into ruins. Lives shattered like glass against rock. Dreams hung open, their entrails dripping along empty beaches.

All because of that one little lamb.
Whose fleece was white as snow.

Then again, you should hear the one about the spider…