Welcome to Adam P. Knave dot com

Eternal Image is a company that makes urns and caskets. But with a difference. From their About page:

Most web sites tell you about the host company in “About Us.” Our take: it should be all “About You.” Whether you are a consumer, funeral professional, investor or reporter, our focus is on you – getting you what you want, when you need it.

We combine the power of brand-names with 21st century materials and composites that won’t rot. We support our customers and partners through exceptional service and professionalism. And we work tirelessly to assure that the quality of the products from our workshops and the service from our professional partners meets the high standards you deserve.

Yeah don’t they sound like douches? Well, it is an About page.

Anyway!

They make specialty caskets. You heard right. Why you can get a Vatican casket! It looks like, I don’t know, something the pope would be buried in. I was hoping it would look like a pope hat, but it doesn’t.

You can get an MLB casket that looks like some bad MLB thing with the logo of your favorite team on the inside of the top door so it can stare at you while you rot away.

Or you can get a Star Trek casket ! Well, soon you can. 2008 is when most of these products will happen. But yeah, soon enough you can be buried in a casket just like the one Spock was shot off into space in.

Of course he came back to life.

You won’t.

So, anyway I don’t care about the urns. They’re sad and goofy but your family will have to deal with those. This is buying a specialized box to throw it away.

Why? Why would you want that? Leaving aside the idea that you want to get a Star Trek casket in the fucking first place, I… wait not we aren’t going to leave that behind.

Why the fuck are you getting a Star Trek casket? What’s the general idea there? How will that ever be a good idea?

And then I look at the options this place has: Vatican caskets, MLB caskets, Star Trek Caskets, Precious Moments casket?!?! (yes it has one of those fucking annoying dolls on the inside top lid) come on! I want some serious variety if we’re going this far off the deep end.

I want a god damned Krull casket, shaped like the blade. I want a giant casket that has smaller and smaller caskets in it until the last casket has me inside. I want a casket shaped like a giant that seems to have eaten me.

But a Star Trek casket? No.

When I was a kid my father used to do make-up for me, sometimes a bit of a costume. A werewolf, a dead guy, whatever. Then we would go Trick or Treating. Understand what that meant for me:

See, where I grew up (Manhattan) you didn’t go out and wander the streets to Trick or Treat. You wandered around your own building, mostly. Apartments that were giving out candy that year hung a sign on the door (generally a Halloween thing – ghosts and the like) and you knew you could ring their bell.

A few times I remember going to a friends building and Trick or Treating with them. It was an adventure because you suddenly had strangers apartments and everything was new. You didn’t know that the guys who lived in 4B would always give you fucking circus peanuts, for example.

But that was Halloween for me.

I watch these TV shows doing their Halloween specials and what-not and I see these kids wandering around and they’re having the exact same amount of fun as I did, just with more area to cover. So it isn’t a “I missed out” thing at all.

Just thinking. Just remembering.

I am, of course, not in costume today. Now I could do that thing where I say I’m dressed up as:

* Someone who doesn’t care
* A serial killer (since they look like anyone)
* A guy living in NY
* etc, etc, motherfucker, etc

But I always find those excuses lame. No. I just figure with a face like mine why would you want to make it worse with a mask?

It’s a sound theory.

Unrelated to H’Ween, here is an amazing short film. It’s called 7:35 de la Mañana and it is truly fucking amazing. So watch it.

Movie found by Ariana

Die Monster Die! books is pleased to open its web store. Click here for the store or just go to DieMonsterDie.com and browse.

EVERYTHING is on sale. The full Strange Angel set is only 20 bucks. Sweat is 10. The Dead Walk Again is coming in at 12. And there is an extra special Complete Set for sale. Lots of stuff – all cheap.

Did I mention that absolutely everything in stock is on sale?

And now Japanese people learning English. Very oddly.

Found by Ariana

If you were offered the chance to recommend one book to someone, just one book, and know that they would read it what book would you choose?

Stolen from Marianne. Gah, ded with cute!

Burton has the coolest hoodie ever made for sale real soon now. Except for that big plane image on the front. That I am not a huge fan o. But the rest of it? My new favorite hoodie, let me show you it:

* Cuff thumb holes
* Comes with ear plugs, that have their own hidden pocket
* Armpit zippers
* Removable, inflatable neck pillow built in
* Snap out light shield
* Internal music player pocket with headphone cable pass-through
* Zippered internal pockets for passports, tickets, etc.

Yeah, it’s a hoodie designed for travel. Or sleeping on the streets, I guess. Still, it’s such a great idea. The James Bond of hoodies. They want $100 for it when it eventually comes out. I have no real use for it, and yet I am drawn to it.

Except that airplane logo. Still just not a big fan of it.

But that’s me. Maybe you want the big ol’ airplane. Still, it’s Burton. Which means we’re lucky it isn’t … oh, say … the WMD hoodie. I do love Burton. Fond memories of an old client who stocked a bunch of the stuff and the buyer for Burton was just hysterical. Well worth a few hours of hanging out. So it endears me to their clothing.

Not that you cared.

In other news, no awesome index this week and all because I will be offline, mostly, from sometime tonight until sometime Tuesday, I think. So some things are posting earlier than normal. Some things will vanish. WORLDS WILL COLLIDE! WHO WILL LIVE? WHO WILL DIE? WHAT SIDE ARE YOU ON? NOT a hoax! NOT an imaginary tale!

Uhm. Anyway.

Yah.

I want that hoodie.

FOR GENERAL RELEASE

“the footnote” (www.thefootnote.net), the world renowned web site, today announced its latest staff change: Adam P. Knave has been promoted to Bearded Editor / Creative Consultant. The move comes not long after the announcement that Bigfoot could not serve as Bearded Editor due to legal hold-ups with the Sasquatch Company.

Dustin Grovemiller, “the footnote” (tfn) co-founder, managing editor, and web designer had this to say: “To say we are excited is too simple. I simply refuse to wear pants today. That should tell you something. Furthermore, this Adam P. Knave thing is all right, I suppose.”

D.J. Kirkbride, tfn co-founder, senior content editor, and town crier added: “I’m being attacked by ninjas!”

Adam P. Knave started his association with “the footnote” years ago, after pleading with Mr. Kirkbride for a chance. “He was this scruffy drunk bastard who kept calling me. Eventually I gave him a shot, if only to get him to stop threatening my ferrets. I don’t even own ferrets, ya’ know? Anyway,” Kirkbride continued, “it turned out decently, and we kept him around.”

“I didn’t even know he worked for us,” Mr. Grovemiller admitted, “until he mailed me and wanted to know where his check was. I asked Kirkbride, who sheepishly admitted the truth to me. We still don’t pay Knave, but I’ve taken to sending him my recyclables so he can get some spare cash.”

Knave has had many memorable moments with “the footnote” in his time. He worked for the site when Grovemiller wrote the hysterical Transmissions From My Childhood entry “He-Man: Does He Really Have the Power?” as well as being present when John Belden wrote “It’s Silly, But I Believe…” and Kirkbride wrote his infamous D.J. in Charge.

When speaking about his new position, Knave admitted to some trepidation. “I don’t really edit, you know? I mean, mostly I just … well, I send stuff to D.J. and Dustin, and they edit it. I think D.J. said something about my beard being a better editor than me, though, so maybe that’s what the title is about.”

When questioned about his new role as a creative consultant, Knave was more forthcoming. “I’m always saying, ‘I should write something funny next time,’ and ‘maybe the next column shouldn’t suck the life out of the room,’ so I do consult a lot about my lack of creativity.”

Knave also brings with him a healthy dose of leadership. “Sometimes, on Fridays … or Thursday … really the ones that end in ‘day,’ I guess, I’ll suggest things like ‘we should go out for drinks’ and ‘how about some drinks,’ those both have proven to be popular. I’m a leader that way. Except sometimes, I have to admit, they agree on a bar and then switch locations without telling me. Some days I notice.”

The internet, too, had a chance to weigh in on the new staffing change. “I trust Bendis even less now that he brought Hawkeye back,” raged HawkeyeFan7485. “I mean first he kills him and now he brings him back? How does that make sense! He never should have killed him at all! Adam P. Knave? Is he dead, too? Wait, he’s Ronin, right?”

“Adam P. Knave shouldn’t be let near a keyboard,” said Watcher93Moonface, “he isn’t in continuity, and I think he punched Superboy. Can I say Superboy?”

When questioned about the internet’s heated, if confused, reaction, Mr. Kirkbride only sighed, shook his head, and punched a dog in the face. Mr. Grovemiller concurred, but lacked an available dog.

“the footnote” updates monthly, on the first of the month.

http://www.thefootnote.net
Columns. Reviews. Farce.

The Tokyo Motor Show is going on. The Suzuki Biplane concept bike is showing up there. Here is a shot of it:

Just a small list of shirts I would love to own:

AD/HD Back in Bla… Hey, Look, A Squirrel! [from here]

[from here]

(my favorite)
[from here]

Fantastic Forefathers
(the Fantastic Four as well… the American Forefathers see… image is too large to add here. But it’s great, go see it.)
[fromhere]