So when I was looking for a picture of Fudgie earlier I also considered using Cookie Puss. Somehow or another I ended up at the Wikipedia page for Cookie Puss. It starts with the following text:

Cookie Puss is a character created by Carvel in the 1970s as an expansion of its line of ice cream cake characters freshly made and sold only in its stores, which also includes Hug-Me Bear and Fudgie the Whale. According to Carvel lore, Cookie Puss is a space alien who was born on planet Birthday. In his television commercials, Cookie Puss has the ability to fly, though he requires a saucer-shaped spacecraft for interplanetary travel.

I feel the need to delve deeper into those last two sentences.

According to Carvel lore: There’s Carvel lore?

LORE – That which is or may be learned or known; the knowledge gained from tradition, books, or experience; often, the whole body of knowledge possessed by a people or class of people, or pertaining to a particular subject; as, the lore of the Egyptians; priestly lore; legal lore; folklore.

The wording, it just sets Carvel up to be some big ancient mystery. It’s a great bit of word choice. I want to believe now that there are LORD MASTERS OF CARVEL who travel the land, like Kung Fu did, dispensing justice and ice cream cakes. Fuck yes. Carvel Lore Master. Isn’t that a character class in D&D or something?

“I’m a 12th level bard! My magical harp will stop that charging Beast of Stupid!”

“Ha! I am a 15th level CARVEL LORE MASTER and I can summon Cookie Puss to defend us!”

“Holy shit, you’re bad ass!”

“Roll to respect me. Bitches.”

Yeah. Carvel Lore Masters. Fucking A.

Cookie Puss is a space alien…: Wait what?! I thought he was an ice cream cake. So that “chocolate and vanilla ice cream body” is really alien life form guts? I mean not only does it make Cookie Puss vastly more eatable but it also makes me wonder what other alien life forms Carvel has single handedly defeated and made into a food source for us!

Fuck! Someone should have sent Carvel on the Nostromo with Sigourney Weaver. Aliens? Acid spit? Fuck you! What they call acid spit would soon be reduced down to “chocolate crunchies” as Carvel calls it. Carvel not only built Area 51 they fucking added little icing flowers to it.

…born on planet Birthday: There’s a planet Birthday? How awkward. I mean really what do you do there 364 days a year? Sit around and buy other people presents? That has to get old and annoying. Never mind very expensive.

Then again Cookie Puss is supposed to be for birthday celebrations. So maybe it is a planet of cannibals. Everyday is someone’s birthday … they eat Cookie Puss for birthday party happy fun times … they are all actually Cookie Puss … yeah. On Cookie Puss’ home planet they’re cannibal freaks who escape only to come to Earth and get eaten.

SADDEST STORY EVER.

Cookie Puss has the ability to fly…: What? He does? How? He has no limbs, no wings, no jets… Cookie Puss can … levitate I suppose. He can levitate! That must be it. Which means, to me, that Cookie Puss is telekinetic.

Which explains why they don’t have limbs. They have MIND LIMBS. Which is kinda bad ass. How did Carvel ever defeat them in the first place? I need to find a Carvel Lore Master and ask.

…he requires a saucer-shaped spacecraft for interplanetary travel: Well at least they respect SCIENCE with moments like this. You wouldn’t want the whole thing to sound ridiculous or stupid, would you? No, you need the Cookie Puss mythology to be well rounded and sensible.

You see, they’re telekinetic aliens. That’s how they built the space ships that they need to travel into deep space so they can find a different food source, because they might be killing themselves off over on planet Birthday. They probably consumed planet Anniversary and Planet Fuck-it-I-want-cake. So they build spaceships with their mind powers and set off across the galaxy.

Sadly the interplanetary dessert division of Carvel must’ve been around.

I’m fuzzy on details, because as we’ve discussed I am not Carvel Lore Master.