This is the third installment of my product testing/reviewing of the Black & Decker VPX system. The first (an introduction and explanation) and second (batteries and flashlights) parts can, of course, still be read. This time out we will deal with the saw. Yes, folks, they gave me a hand saw to play with. Also, this time there are pictures!

So the saw itself is kinda big. It has a gently sloping handle and firm grip. The blade guard is nice and massive, it makes you feel safe. I totally dig on that. It comes with two blades: one marked ‘WOOD’ the other ‘METAL’. They are both tiny.

I mean it, compared to the size of the saw itself the blade is tiny. It feels ineffectual. It is not, mind you, but it kinda feels that way at first.

Anyway, you slot the blade in with a clever little latch system and it stays in there nice and tight. The other thing I really do like about this saw is that you can’t just shove in a blade, push in a battery and cut things. The trigger will not fully pull unless you also press back on a release along the top of the grip. Think of it like a gun’s hammer. It really is the same concept.

It’s a great level of safety, right there. They did a good job.

Now, of course, I was trying to think of what I could cut up to test this bad boy out when it hit me: Magic tricks.

Look, the saw blade is small and I live in an apartment in NYC. I don’t have a tool shed, or blocks of wood around to be cut up, you know? I had to make do with what I could find.

So the first thing I had to do was find an assistant who was willing to be part of my trick. No one agreed. So I was forced to create an assistant for myself.

I named him Bobby. Bobby was brave, even though he didn’t look it. He was also kinda hard to cut out. My scissors are kinda big and his neck was very slender. I did tell Bobby that his slender neck made him very attractive to the ladies. Bobby was having none of it. I think he simply feared what was to come.

I showed Bobby the Magic Box of Magic, where the trick would be performed. bobby tried to beg off, something about a wife and kids, but I didn’t buy into his lies. Bobby was just a bit nervous. So I helped him get in the box.

Bobby fought back. He tried to escape. He realized, I think, just then, what the trick would entail. I tried to reassure him, but Bobby was a screamer. Still, he got in the box. In the end, they all get in the box.

So I grabbed the saw and prepared myself to perform the incredible trick of sawing Bobby in half! It is a lot harder to saw a bunch of paper with a powered hand held saw than you might think. The damned saw shakes the paper and tries to rip it out of your hand. Everything vibrates to fuck and back and you consider that you might just lose a finger for a fucking joke.

But I forged on! Which might prove how stupid I am. Either way, I didn’t hurt myself. The trick continued! The Magic Box of Magic, with Bobby inside, was cut in two.

There you go, ladies and gentleman! Bobby is clearly cut in half! What could happen now? Well first of all you can see that the saw does work. It will cut things. Uhm, now the trick part of this was putting Bobby back together.

That didn’t go so well. I was out of tape, was the biggest problem. Uhm. But the saw worked. I mean, sure Bobby paid for that truth with his life, but we respect him. Listen, next time you have a shredder or something? Pour some out for Bobby, will ya? He was a good assistant, even if he was a screamer to the end.

So there you go. I don’t blame the saw for Bobby’s inability to reattach his lower torso to the rest of him. It is a saw, after all, not a mender. Nor do I blame my lack of magic skills. No, the blame falls firmly on my lack of tape.

I tested a few other things with the saw as well:

* The saw does not make light saber noises when turned on. You must make those yourself.

* The saw will cut many things. I had some cardboard boxes on hand, as well as a bit of an old shoe. Both were, in fact, cut.

* Though the saw vibrates heavily when turned on I consider it too dangerous to recommend sex toy applications.

* The saw does not come when I call it. Also, it does not return to my hand when thrown.

* The saw passed the “being thrown and dropped” test.

* The noise the saw makes scares the cat. At least it did the first time I turned it on. Then I locked the cat in the other room while testing, just in case the cat wanted to see the saw up close.

* There were no tests involving the cat and the saw. There will be no such tests.

So there you have it! My review of the Black & Decker VPX system hand saw! Coming soon(ish) a review of the drill!