Very little content the next few days, I think. I have five days to finish a big project and I’m home all day. These two things mean that when I remember to post it will be little strange things like this. Such is life.

Last night, in a fit of Star Trek geekery I managed to get the following out in the middle of a conversation filled with laughter and strange yelling:

In Star Trek II Kirk is all about cheating death, he hasn’t had to face it, see? And then Spock dies for him, to save the ship. Spock changes the rules once more so Kirk doesn’t have to choose. But it leaves Kirk this shell of a man. So in III he isn’t really himself until David dies. And then? Oh then it’s on.

Suddenly he’s Kirk again: the man who would rip off your cock and fuck your wife with it, just for the fun of doing it. We get full on Kirk then, who sacrifices his ship to save Spock, in a perfect Mirror Mirror reversal. Because he starts to cheat once more and laugh at death. With your cock in his hand!

And really I already learned the other lesson of Kirk. Taker off your shirt and find some rocks to stand near. That’s all that he had to do in Khan, anyway. He should’ve just been all “Hey, Khan, ya fuck, you wanna kill me? I’ll meet you on that planet, behind the school, after lunch!” and then taken off his shirt near some rocks and kicked some fucking ass! But did he? No. And so Spock got offed. I blame the use of a shirt.

Which is why when they eventually tell me “Oh we have seven thousand ninjas hired to kill you,” I’ll fucking wait for them in front of some rocks and then take off my shirt. At least that way I’ll have a fucking fighting chance. Because that shit is going to happen, and I have a plan in place.

But Picard? Fuck him, he had a “No dick ripping off” clause in his Federation contract. No, Kirk though…

Ever wonder? In the movies we see Starfleet is in constant contact with the ships, right? But in the original series they never talked to the Enterprise, not really. So I wonder if Kirk just stole the ship then, too. “Oh just go out on a five DAY mission, see some stuff, bring the ship back.”

Five years later he comes back with a ship.

They make him an Admiral to get him the fuck off the ship. They figured he did some good shit, taught them about tribbles and whatnot, so why lock him up, just get him OFF A SHIP! But then he ends up on one again and goes off, saves the universe. He comes back and they try to get him off the ship. So he steals it, again, and comes back, again, without it.

So what do they do? Give him a new ship! You gotta figure at that point they were just like “Fuck it, let him have one. Hey Kirk look! A new ship! Go on, take it! Just… don’t come back, all right?”

And Next Gen? What the fuck! Why do you need an empath on the bridge? “Captain, those aliens are mad at us, I can feel it.” They have weapons lock, ya crazy dame! We know they’re mad! Fuck. So sure, tell us something new. No, let’s let the Reading Rainbow guy explain things to us.

Who hires a blind engineer? Who does that?

And in the first season: A klingon as science officer? Good move. “Captain, readings indicate I’m not sure what they are. We should fire.” That was his entire advice, nine times out of ten. That’s helpful. So now we know, what, they’re hungry, and we should blow them up? I feel better all the time.

And then we’re gonna let the robot drive the ship? Did none of these people see 2001? Why was that a good idea?

These shows were sooo fucked up.

Yeah, and that’s why people don’t end up on the phone with me. Some days I just can’t help myself. And now back to work.