Welcome to Adam P. Knave dot com

Braindead. Too much going on. Trying to wrap a book, write the finishing touches on another, edit a thirdand plan a fourth. Also I need to write a fuckton of columns and read books for PW so I can review them. Plus! Work. Sleep. Hang out.

So for a change? I command you, intardwebs! ENTERTAIN ME!

Why does this not exist, or worse exist without me knowing it?

LEGODILDONICS

Science, man. It’s all about the science.

Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!

Jan, you should really calm down. I mean she can’t be that bad. Your sister is nice, and so pretty she…

RRRRRGGGAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Uhh… Jan?

JANHULK SMASH!

Ok, see this is where I remind you I can fire lasers from my eyes, right?

JANHULK NOT LIKE FAKE-DAZZLER WOMAN!

Oh you did not go there!

FAKE-DAZZLER WOMAN HAVE DUMB HAIR!

That’s it. No more Mister Nice Rock Star!

FAKE-DAZZLER MAKE JANHULK LAUGH!

Oh yeah?

OW! PUNY FAKE-DAZZLER HURTING JANHULK!

Hey, Jan? Know what? This wouldn’t hurt MARSHA!

RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! OW!

Jem, what have we told you?

Don’t taunt Jan until she Hulks-out and then laser her until she drops?

Pretty much. I mean we said “Stop fucking with Jan” but it’s the same basic concept.

But, she calls me fake-dazzler.

You should hear what she calls Hasslehoff.

What? What does she call me?!

Nothing.

No, what! Tell me!

Nothing, she uhh, calls you “Hasslehoff the Brave and Manly”.

Bullshit, what does she call me!

I’m gonna guess here. Is it “Tiny”?

No.

Will you PLEASE tell me?

*sigh* Fine. She calls you Man-Limp

Man-Limp? What does that even…

Maybe it means that you couldn’t get it up if Marsha made a play?

That isn’t true! Not at all! Little K.I.T.T. can rise to the occasion just fine! Fuck you guys! I’m outta here!

Little K.I.T.T.? He calls his dick Little K.I.T.T.?

And Jan calls him “Hoff” when she Hulks-out, I just wanted you to hear him say Little K.I.T.T., you never would’ve believed me if I just told you.

True. Very, very true. So what about Jan?

Oh whatever, Marsha is cooler. Leave her here to recover. Want to get some coffee?

Coffee works.

Two things that are unreleated.

First up – Van Halen’s Running With the Devil, asudio only. Just David Lee Roth’s track, without any music. Perfectly hysterical.

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Secondly – Cheeseburger in a can. For real.

So Monday night happened, the way it will. Quiet night, mostly. Mostly a bunch of us traded cat stories, like you do, and drank and hung out. I played spotter, as is my job. You know, when M is talking to folks at one corner of the bar she has her back to the rest of the place and I can still see it, so it becomes my job to go “M, you’re being paged.”

It’s a job.

Then later M rubbed her hands together with glee and gave a small evil laugh. “I’m planning some evil,” she said.

I looked concerned. “Wait, you’re going to plan evil without me?”

“Well, it isn’t really evil, no I wouldn’t plan EVIL without you.”

“Thanks,” I said and turned to Hammerpants, “You know I call shotgun on Satan.”

Later still I stood up to head down to the bathroom and my bag strap fell off my knee, twisted partly around the chair and looped over my foot. So I almost went headfirst into the floor, for about a second, which made M and Hammerpants wonder how much I had to drink. Really, it was the strap.

While downstairs I passes these two guys discussing guitarists.

“You know who has a little Hendrix in him?” the first guy asked.

“No, who?”

“Prince.”

“Fair enough.”

I had to leave quickly before I stopped to point out that Prince could only FIT a little bit of Hendrix in him. I mean Hendrix was kinda tall. Prince is the opposite of that.

So yeah, quiet night.

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The preview should be safe enough for work. Don’t hit play though unless you want to see Smurf Porn. Yes, people painted blue, in little white outfits, smurfing like there’s no tomorrow. They smurf and smurf and you won’t believe your eyes when they start to smurf. Did I mention it was in Spanish? Live action smurf porn in Spanish. Yup.

Well. You can get caffeinated soap, caffeinated mints, caffeinated water and… well so on.

And now you can get, in limited edition form, caffeinated Snickers bars.

The Candyblog has a full on review of it. They say it has an aftertaste. It has about the same caffeine as a cup of coffee (an 8oz cup, which isn’t a cup at all to me, that’s a fucking SWALLOW of coffee), a little less.

Some of you might remember the Dry British Porn moment. Well someone said a single phrase and I realized that I needed to do a short burst of Steampunk Porn.

“Now then, Miss Hastings, shall we continue with the experiment?”

“I think so, Doctor. Are my goggles straight?”

“They are. And now, here, we shall focus upon my telescoping flange…”

“It does seem quite the robust instrument, doctor.”

“As it should, as it should. Now, my dear, simply access the roller ball controls, use them gently as to not disturb the telescoping mechanism…”

“Yes, of course. Like this, then?”

“Truly. Now, as you can see the telescoping flange has fully extended under your guidance. We can resume our experimentation in full.”

“I am, frankly, excited by the prospect, doctor. I do notice that the heat given off by the flange needs to be tempered. Perhaps a water-based cooling system?”

“Pulleys and levers, dear, pulleys and levers. They shall see us through. Manual manipulation of the flange should ease it back into full use.”

“Oh my.”

“Yes.”

“Oh dear.”

“Exactly.”

“What are we doing, doctor?”

“Science, dear. Science.”