The TRUE story of Christmas

And so it came to pass that one day God was sitting upon his throne in Heaven and He did look around Him and saw that all was not well.

“Forsooth and verily, it comes to pass that even I, He who is above all others, would think of a son.”

And He thought of this, and no sooner than He did think than did a Host of Angels come to serve Him. Except Gabriel. For truly he was not allowed to partake of the enjoyment and relaxation techniques of the others of his Host.

“One of you shall go forth and assist Me in My needs,” said He who is known as I Am. “But which of you shall serve Me so proudly?”

The Host did rise up and vie for the honor. None of them did think to ask what was truly asked of them. And thus did He explain.

“I shall spread My love,” He said, “and one of you must then, verily and forsooth, fly forward and down into the realms of the mortal and ensure that My Holiness becomes one with a mortal woman. Dark haired, perhaps. Good cheekbones, for truly do I enjoy the cheekbone, which is why I created it. Soon,” He started to ramble, “I shall create one called Knightly with cheekbones of diamond, but she comes too late, and so will not serve. Regardless! Forsooth! Go forth, who among you shall do this?”

And the Host did rise as one and proclaim to the highest peaks, “Memememememe!”

But the Lord did show them that his love would descend frozen, as oft it would, and the Host realized that it could not see the way down to the mortal realms in such a flurry. So God called before him Gabriel at last.

He said, “Oh Gabriel with your nose so bright, won’t you impregnate that Mary woman tonight,” for at some point He decided on a mortal of his own, suddenly remembering that He had created them all and had simply to pick one out of a hat.

“Oh,” said Gabriel, “if I must.” But then he did think upon it for a second. “What, with my nose?” he asked.

“No,” God told him, “with my frozen love.”

“Well, that’s… certainly different, my lord,” Gabriel agreed.

Thus did Gabriel fly forth and down and over the air and flew high and free and loose like a Bugaloo. And he found the woman, Mary and spoke unto her, “Mary, God himself sends me with my be-lit nose to impregnate you!”

“What? with your nose?” she asked, concerned and yet intrigued.

“No, for He sent me and told me to simply have you make the shape of me, in his frozen love, without your clothes draped around your form.”

And Mary did blink many times before asking, “You want me to make a snow angel whilst I am nude?”

“Thus did He speak! Thus did He command!”

And Mary, feeling both ashamed and deathly chilled, did remove her garments and lay down upon her Lord’s falling, frozen love. Her arms and legs moved furiously, with purpose and vim and vigor and much shaking due to the cold.

Gabriel watched, his nose growing very bright indeed. Whilst he waited he did also command upon him the holy Spirit. He did make three large balls of God’s love and sculpt them, finding a carrot and some coal for eyes.

“Oh ghost, come to me now in my time of need!” he called out.

“Happy birthday! Hey, I said my first words. But… But Holy Ghost Men can’t talk. Ha ha ha, come on now, what’s the joke? Could I really be alive?”

“You are the Holy Spirit,” Gabriel reminded him, “and canst do as thou wilt.”

“I can count to ten. One, two, three, four, five, nine, six, eight… Well, I can count to five,” spake the Ghost made of Frost.

“This woman, nude and writhing, is to receive the Lord’s child within her, somehow or another in ways that make no sense to me. I ask only that we call upon three wise men to herald the moment of the birth!”

“That won’t be for… a while,” The Frosted Ghost said, “One month,” he muttered, “or two, three, four, five… I think it shall be five months.”

“Then I shall away now and arrange for it! But whom shall I get for this task?” And with that question upon his lips Gabriel did take his leave.

Mary, meanwhile found that she had simply had enough and stood, drawing a blanket around her. She shivered mightily, full of her Lord’s love, or simply frost bitten in places that should never be bit by frost we know not. And she complained to herself and those that would hear.

“Happy birthday!” the Ghost said.

Mary did scream and pass out.

Gabriel did scan the land to find Holy Men for their task. He spied one, a great wizard among men named S’Hat of the Ners, a people known for their halting speech and wild fur headdresses.

“S’Hat of the Ners, you must aid your Lord! Go to this address in five months and bring gifts!”

S’Hat did simply nod, he never being taken by surprise. “Of course… I… will… aid you most fine!” he yelled for no good reason. “But myself… alone?”

“No, for also I have spied a great leader of men, Corey of the Felled Men. A fine dancer is he and he shall aid you. There shall be a third as well, Never Kneeling Zod, of the Fields. He, too, will travel with you.”

Happy with his choices, Gabriel returned himself to Heaven. And so it was that five months, what we call now nine for different was the counting of those times, was born the Lord’s son, who was also the Lord Himself, Jesus.

Why a manger? That, my children, is a different tale. Involving Triple A and bad reservations. Also a flat camel hoof, Joseph’s lack of a Camel jack and his refusal to ask for directions.

(many thanks to Trista for the “With my nose?” among other moments and to D.J. Kirkbride for emails that inspired this madness.)

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