There are things ominously in the works – but what the fuck else is new, I ask you?

It’s funny I do enjoy being transparent here, just cutting through any sort of bullshit and saying “A is A”, but I find, more and more, that I can’t. That’s the nature of business. So I, consequently, find I have less and less to talk about in my own life.

I mean work is work, writing is going along but I can’t discuss most of it now, and past that what do I do? I sit around and read books, watch movies, listen to music and hang out with friends.

The life of excitement.

Yeah, yesterday?

I woke up. Edited a few pages. Hung around on-line a bit. Fielded some calls. Wrote a bit, hung out. Played with the cat. Played with a column, but didn’t get anything really done. Watched some TV. Blasted some Max Roach. Sat on the phone with a friend a bit. I had a toasted bagel for dinner. At 11pm. While watching something on TV that was so unmemorable I couldn’t even tell you what it was. Then I eventually went to bed.

But the fun shit, the stuff I really wish I could talk about, I can’t yet.

I have, also to be noted, been offered my old radio gig back. Now I don’t know if anyone even listens to internet radio anymore. I mean is a talk show worth doing? Do it as a podcast? Even bother? Who knows. But it is fun to have options. It has also made me go back and listen to some of the old shows Ed and I did, and man that guy is funny. I am just the straight man to Ed’s wit. So doing a show without him? Kinda scary.

But I am, at the end of a day, a whore.

This is going nowhere. So instead I give you a bit of celebrity fun. Kathleen Turner wrote an autobio recently and a snip has been published. Regarding Nic Cage:

“He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He’d come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket.”

Stealing a dog! I just love that fucking image. Cage, however, then released the following statement:

“I have never been arrested for anything in my life, nor have I stolen a dog. I am reaching out to my fans — many of whom are children — so they know that I do not condone drunk driving or theft. The reason why you’ve never seen a mug shot of me is because it does not exist.”

What kind of life do we give celebs when they have to issue statements confirming that they have never stolen dogs?

First we have the Batman Begins trailer, audio-wise, cut with Adam West Batman footage (from the movie):

Then we have the Dark Knight trailer, audio-wise, cut with Adam West Batman footage (from the movie):

So you’re a reporter. You go out on a Live Feed to talk about a bird infestation. Everything is fine and funny when they shit on your shoulder. When they shit directly in your mouth though… No. Really.

I was thinking about joining G.I. Joe.

Why would you do that?

Well now that the devil has erased my… you know, enough about my problems. I was just thinking of joining G.I. Joe, all right?

Good group.

Yeah?

No.

They can’t hit anything, they yell too much, they wear dumb outfits…

Says the man dressed like a bat.

Pot. Kettle. Black.

I think what this all really comes down to is deciding if you want to join an elite military organization that is neither elite, military or organized.

Damn, Cap, I thought you, of all people, would be for them!

I was.

Tell him.

Tell me!

Well, they killed Bucky.

No they didn’t! He died on a rocket or something, and he isn’t even dead now.

It’s the principle of the thing.

I agree.

You’re both nuts. I’m joining G.I. Joe and that’s final!

Do what you want. It’s just stupid.

Yeah. I mean really.

All right, you two. What’s really up?

We just think you might enjoy a different opportunity.

Which is?

We’re forming a new Voltron.

What?!

He’s right. We’re getting some people together and we’re gonna be Voltron.

But you need giant robots for that!

We… I… shut up we can be Voltron if we want! I’ll form the right arm of liberty!

And I’ll form the dark, black soul.

That’s not how Voltron works. And you two sound like the Wonder Twins, anyway.

The Wonder… hmmm…

Fuck you, you get the water thing. Most useless power ever.

I’m gonna form the shape of an icicle up your ASS, mister!

Oh yeah? Shape of a… of a…

Lemme guess? A bat?

I still say we should be Voltron instead.

“God,” I asked the other day, “why is there the Intardwebs?”

And God took a while to think about that one but eventually he called me back. God has me on speed-dial, bitches. “I gave that Interwebs thing some thought, Adam,” God said, “and I wanted to get back to you with a reason for it. Someone complied a list of every reason Banner turns into the Hulk on the old TV Show.”

“Every single reason?” I asked, stunned.

“Every fuckin’ one, man,” God assured me. “I mean, ‘Problems with flat tire’ is there as is ‘Being placed in a dumpster by the two garbage men who think he’s a thief, and who don’t believe him when he says “Hey! There are rats in here!”, and then being bitten by the rats to add injury to insult’ so you know that list is comprehensive.”

“Yeah but I bet they didn’t mention…”

“Thor? Yeah they have the Thor one in there.”

“Damn,” I told God, “that is pretty good.”

“Uhhh of course it is,” God said, “the fuck do you mean to imply? That I’d give you some shitty website? Who do you think I am?!”

“James Earl Jones?”

“I get that a lot, but no. Anyway,” God told me as he faded from view, “I gotta go damn some folk and then retroactively wipe the time machine from existence.”

“What? Why?”

“You abuse that shit. No, from here on in? You’ll all think 88mph in a Dolorean is a joke of some sort.”

“That’s cold.”

“That’s life. Go read some Hulk reasonings.”

“Peace out, God!”

“Peace out, Adam.”

AAAAAAHAAHAAHAHA!

what is it this time?

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! YESSSsssSSSsssSSsssssSSSsssss!

What, you damned fool, what?!

There were bunnies! FLUFFY BUNNIES! And they hopped around! YES! HOPPED!

That’s it, Skeletor. We’re taking you to an intervention.

What? No! There are clouds out! I WANT TO GUESS THE SHAPES!

I’ll bring them to you, then. Fellows! Come, kneel, intervene!

Skeletor, you just really haven’t been yourself since…

HAHAHAHAH! CLOUDS ARE PRETTY! SCORE!

Meatbag, you need to listen.

I’m not a meatbag!

Bonebag? Whatever you are, freak, you need to stop doing the drugs.

I don’t have a problem! I’M JUST HAPPY! Why do you have to be jealous? JUST BECAUSE YOU AREN’T HAPPY? Fools!

I suggest we shoot him. Draw, Skeletor!

HAHAHAHA NO!

Draw!

NO!

Enough! Skeletor, your drug use has become simply stupid. It stops or…

Or what?!

Or I’ll stop it for you.

HE-MAN!

No, I’m Prince Adam. I’m not He-M..

AHAHAHAHA HE-MAN! YOU’RE PRETTY WHEN YOU FLEX.

I’m out. You’re on your own, Zod.

DON’T LEAVE ME HE-MAN!

This fleshy one is creepy.

No flesh! NO FLESH I TELL YOU! Now, SHUT UP! I want to watch this bird! HAHAHAHAHA BIRDIES!

May I suggest, Zod, that we just lock him in a small dank room for a few months?

Will that cure him?

Do I care? I just think we would be better off locking him up for a few months in a small dank room.

Good point. Skeletor! You shall come with me, and kneel!

Bird. Biiirrrrrrrrd. Bird bird bird. FLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAPFLAP!

Burn.

OoooowwwwWWWWWWW! Heat vision! No fair! No fair! ASS ON FIRE! STOPIT STOPIT STOPIT!

Then come along.

Where?

A small dank room where you shall remain alone for months.

Dunwanna.

Heat vision?

Fine. Where is this room?

In the pits of despair! The lowest of the low! The most alone and untouched place I could find!

Ew?

And where the hell am I supposed to sleep now?

Shut up and move the rest of your stuff out.

This sucks.

Tell it to someone who cares, weakling.

YEAH, WEAKLING! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Skeletor…

Whaaaaaaat? OW OW OW OW STOPIT!

In.

This sucks.

Yeah it does.

Do drugs effect robots?

THOSE ARE MINE!

Robotic Yul Brynner! No!

HAHAHAHAH! DRAW BIRDIE! DRAW!

I hate all of you fleshy things.

Me too. That was my room.

Oh shut the fuck up.

So I’m reading Con Ed by Matthew Klein. It’s a con novel, which are still hard to pull off, but it is also a self-aware con novel. That makes it even harder.

But his characters are real and well drawn. The plot, so far, is fast and hangs nice. It’s a well put together effort. So I thought I would share.

——————————————–

With all the Heath Ledger news I am reminded that I didn’t see (I also didn’t post it myself) many people mention that Allan Melvin died this weekend. Allan played Sam the butcher on the Brady Bunch and was also the voice of Magilla Gorilla. Now you know.

Actor Heath Ledger has been found dead in a Manhattan apartment, New York police tell CNN.

The BREAKING NEWS blurb at cnn.com right now.

The first teaser for the new Star Trek movie. Enjoy.