Greetings hairless freak monkeys! It is I, Koota! I return to tell you how it is, to keep it real, to be street and to give shout outs to mah homies.

KOOTA HAS NO HOMIES! Do you know why? Because Ewoks don’t fucking roll like that. We’re a tribe. We don’t have gangs and side-factions. We all work together, for the common good of hitting people with rocks. That’s good. It is also common. Come to the forest, I’ll teach you all about it. Hairless freak monkey.

Now Koota has been gone for a while and many of you may have thought that you could get away with starting shit. You can not. Koota knows everything there is to know about you and your behaviors.

Not that Koota has mental powers. I do not. Not at all. Koota is simply vastly smarter than you. Ever meet a block of wood? Ever try and talk to it? That is how Koota feels when you fucking start up. So don’t start! Listen to your Mick Jagger! If you start him up he will never stop. Koota will stop him. Koota will use a spear, applied to his frontal lobes. Motherfucker will stop then.

Though Koota does admit to a slight fear of Keith Richards. The Unkillable Richards, as he is known in the jungle. Once, Koota and a small posse of ‘Woks took to the tree line to rid the world of that shambling horror once and for all. We stoned him, smashed him between trees and stabbed him in the ears with flaming spikes.

Unkillable Richards shrugged and asked if we had a smoke.

Thankfully he doesn’t work for the Empire or we’d al be fucked. Darth Richards would make the Death Star look like a Wookie-damned bouncy ball.

Anyway, why is Koota even talking to you freak monkeys? Koota has better things to do. Much. Like… breathe. Breathing is certainly more important than you!

Oh wait, no Koota forgot! I am here to give advice. Yes, if you ask me, Koota, for advice today I will give it to you. Brainless freak monkey.