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(thanks to willowfinn for pointing it out to me)

And then the infamous David T. comes at us with a Germanized version of Vanilla Ice’s masterpeice:

All right, halt! Collaborators, listen!
Fritz is back with a brand new invention.
Someone grabs a hold of you tightly,
Gestapo like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? Only Himmler knows
To the Russian Front, I don’t wanna go
To the extreme, pillaging like a Vandal.
Invade the stage, singing Wagner and Handel
Scientists rush to make something that booms
Trying to invent a poisonous mushroom
Deadly – with the Allies ahead of me
Harboring spies is a definite felony
Blitz it, or krieg it, you’d better not wait
You’d better hit bullseye, the Brits don’t play
If there was a problem, JA! I solve it
Check out my tank while the Wehrmacht revolve it

Eis Eis Baby…

Now I don’t have sound here, but I heard this last night. Scarlett Johannson did an album of Tom Waits covers and this is the first video/single off of it: Falling Down. Now, before I heard it I refused to judge it. It could have been good, it could have been bad. There are very few people that can cover Waits well (The Eagles Ol’ 55 doesn’t work for me, the Ramones I Don’t Wanna Grow Up does, Springsteen’s rendition of Jersey Girl is stunning good and Tori Amos’ version of Time makes me angry, frankly) so I didn’t exactly have high hopes … but this?

This is painful. I could go into exactly why, from the vocal phrasing that just doesn’t fucking work to the vocal quality that doesn’t sell the song at all – but no. I am tempted to buy it just to deconstruct the fucking thing inch by inch but I don’t think I want to put myself through it, frankly.

Now, you may like it. If it works for you? Fantastic! It did not work for me. At all. So below is the video! Give it your own assessment!

Are you ready?

Always!

Then let me just roll this… and…

Oh, come on!

This is bullshit.

He cheats!

I do not cheat.

This is done. No more. Let’s play something else.

I wonder what Shatner and his friends play…

——————————–

Feldawg, your turn!

On it!

POP!

I fucking love the Pop-O-Matic bubble, I tell you what!

I know, right? It makes board games more fun! Your turn, Bill!

Hells yes!

POP!

So, what’s going on?

Not much, how about you T?

Hold up! First T has to have his turn!

POP!

Not much is going on with T. Pityin’ foo’s, helpin’ to reduce the world’s supply of jibba jabba, you know how it is.

Fo’ sho’

Fuck yes.

Word diggity. Hey, nice, my turn!

POP!

Hey speaking of things that pop, Jem, I heard you and Batman made out?

No, we just… he helped me with a problem… I had something… you know…

We made out. She tastes like rainbows.

Rainbows?

Not Rainbow Bright, pervert. Rainbows. And candy.

You’re kinda… creepy.

But a great kisser, you said that.

I did.

He is?

Who knew? Shit, my turn…

POP!

Look, it happened, ok? We made out. It wasn’t a big deal.

T says it’s a big deal! Making out with Batman! Don’t you know all his girlfriends end up dead or leaving the country?

That’s not true! Right?

It’s true. It’s also my turn.

POP!

Come on, that can’t be true.

It’s kinda true.

How true?

I pity his girlfriends, that’s how true. And now T gonna show you how to win this game!

POP!

Ok, this whole thing has gotten out of hand. I think we’re done here, Batman.

But… you taste like candy. And rainbows. Candy rainbows.

DEAD OR OUT OF THE COUNTRY?! Not gonna happen, Mr. Wanna-See-The-Batcave!

POP!

And take that, suckers.

I’ll let you be Robin.

I…

Shit! I wanted to be Robin!

Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, Feldman. They don’t fear dorks in fedoras.

That was cold.

But funny.

High-five!

Bat-five! So Jem. What to you say?

I… well… all right. For now.

Score. Rainbow candy tasting kisses are a go.

I get to the bar and Val is back there, setting up. M, it turns out, is looking at an apartment and last night was the only time she could get in to see it. Fair enough. So Val and I hung out all night.

The first thing she does is offer me a stack of Playboy. I turn it down. She looks shocked. So we go back and forth on this and she starts telling someone that she just doesn’t understand it, why would I want to turn down a Playboy? Don’t I like girls?

And I looked at her and sighed. “Val, for all you know I like sheep.”

“Oh, see now that’s just going too far,” she says once she manages to not choke on her drink.

“That’s nothing close to too far. Too far isn’t even in the same room.”

Val, you see, can be a trouble maker. A different sort of one than M is, generally. And well, leaving us alone without adult supervision may have been a bad idea.

“Look at her! Being nice to those customers!”

“I know, Val, it’s a shame.”

“Most weeks those are my customers. Now she’s ruining them! They’ll think they’re supposed to be liked, or paid attention to.”

“What can you do?”

“First they learn to think that my job is to give a damn about them, what next?”

“They’ll want you to be nice, then they’ll expect good service, shit, there goes your whole operation.”

“I know! Shit.”

“Maybe if you just set a few on fire, you know, by accident, the rest will fall in line…”

“Naw, well, maybe, but damn why she got to ruin my groove?”

My end of the bar became the snarkfest hiding hole. It was hysterical. At one point a friend of Val’s showed up and sat down and the three of us joked around some. He told Val that I hadn’t wanted the Playboy stack (yes that was brought up constantly, all night) because Val wasn’t in it. So she starts asking how much Playboy pays centerfold models. We have no fucking idea. But she keeps asking. Finally she turns to me and asks again.

“I’m not the fucking Buddha!” I said, a bit too loudly. About half the bar glanced over. Well, I’m not. That was Laszlo, but I hear the pay is lousy.

Val, I feel the need to add, can not put on a jacket. Twice last night she went to get a jacket on. Got one arm in and then kinda flailed about to get the other sleeve going. I kept asking if she needed remedial clothes classes, but she just cursed at me.

She also wanted it known that she is a “delicate flower”, a point she made repeatedly by yelling about it and slamming her fist into the bar. Delicate, I tell you. Delicate.
“I’m delicate!” she repeated, demanding that we accept this.

“Val.”

“What?! I’m DELICATE!”

“No. No you really aren’t.”

“Damn you, I’m fucking delicate!”

“And subtle.”

“Fuck! I’m delicate!”

“Mmm. But no. In the least.”

“Is that the answer you think you ought to give? Does that sound like the right answer to you? Does that seem like the answer I want to hear?”

“Those are three different answers. Also that guy at the other end of the bar needs a drink.”

“Well I’m still delicate!”

Yeah. She also doesn’t deal well with caffeine. As in it makes her a fucking loon. So a big can of Red Bull and a cup of coffee later … she would just start cackling. Sometimes while sipping a drink. Sometimes just because it made people nervous.

So that was last night, really. Trouble maker. Delicate trouble maker. Or something.

I believe

…in the strange.
…in the wonderful.
…in the ability to change the world.
…that we can find a way past fear.
…in things that spin and shine and whirr and click.
…in playing, as often as possible.
…that wanting is not enough.
…that doing can still fail.
…that acceptance is something I am not good at.
…in fighting for what I want.
…in winning, and paying the price for it.
…everything has a price. Everything.
…in the joy and power of sunshine.
…in the joy and power of darkness.
…in good and in evil and in the in-between.
…that I am only stopped by myself.
…that I can always be a better person.
…in trying.
…in pushing as hard as I can, when I need to.
…in not letting go of the things that matter
…in love.
…that good food and drink are always worth their while.
…that good company is still worth more.
…in hate.
…that the Universe has my back, and that our deal still stands.
…that if I do more than my best, every single day, I can grab at my dreams.
…in making new dreams.
…Robots, lasers and the future being made of chrome.
…in jetpacks.
…good steaks, better coffee and fine cigars.
…in laughing.
…in secrets, whispers in the dark, and trusts never broken.
…that those trusts start with trusting yourself and not lying.
…a million, trillion things not listed here.
…in me.

Here is a site that is simply a collection of bad Spock drawings.
————

Toilets of the World is a book by Morna E. Gregory and Sian James. It’s a travel guide and, I suppose resource for people who want to know what toilets in other places are like.
————
Here is a video compilation of 231 fatalities from various Mortal Kombat games. Why? Because it’s kinda funny.

————

Best item on Think Geek yet? It’s an Invincible Star from Mario. Touch it and it plays the invincible music for 17 seconds. After which you are once again only mortal. I… I need one.
————
I leave you with one of the best ideas I’ve seen in a while. I need to do this. So do you:

Some day I want to be just like you, Jem!

That’s… well I mean that simply won’t happen, Jan.

What? Why not?

Hey, I’m not saying you aren’t … something. I mean you have some rage based problems, where you… well you kinda…

Are you making fun of the fact I turn into JanHulk?

Of course not. No, no no no. I’m just saying that despite that you’re missing some key aspects to being like me.

Like what?

It’s complicated.

No it isn’t.

huh?

Jem is pretty. She has great hair, nice skin, fantastic legs and one hell of a voice. She can also shoot goddamn lasers out of her goddamned eyes.

Well but I…

You? You’re short, mild, normal, mousey, your legs are kinda stumpy to be honest and you sound like a braying donkey when you sing. I also don’t recall a single eye-laser moment. Not one.

RRrrrrrrr!

You might have been a bit harsh there, ya think?

You want me to coddle the also-ran?

RRRRRRRRR JAN SMASH!

Should we do something?

What? Run? Hell no. Batman doesn’t run.

But he does talk about himself in the 3rd person.

Bad habit. but no I won’t run.

JAN SMASH PUNY LONG EARS!

Ha! She only wants you. I’m safe.

JAN SMASH KISS-LIKE SINGER!

Oh no she didn’t!

Oh yes she did. So anyway. Did you see BSG the other week?

We should run!

Naw. So, seriously, I think Alfred is a Cylon.

What?! Why would you think that?! Why aren’t we running?

Bat JanHulk repellent.

You’re fucking with me.

No, see the can?

Does that work?

Let’s see. Hey Jan! Sniff this!

UGH! JANHULK RUN AWAY FROM STINKY CAN!

It works.

Why the fuck do you have Bat JanHulk repellent on you?

Well. See, that was JanHulk. And I needed to repell her. You really don’t get this whole superhero gig, do you?

I’m not the idiot who thinks his butler is a Cylon!

Well, he was acting funny!

That’s it? That is your entire defense? He was acting funny?

Well I’m not gonna find out if his spine glows when he gets off, no.

Oh God, that’s an image seared into my brain.

I have Bat Memory eraser if you need it.

That’s a mirror.

Fire your lasers at it.

But then I’d…

Lobotomize yourself, solving the problem. Yes.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Nothing! I’m a problem solver! You had a problem! I solved it! Cylon whore!

Freak.

Skank.

I’m out of here.

I’m not. Batman doesn’t run.

You are such a child.

I WAS A CHILD WHEN MY PARENTS WERE KILLED IN FRONT OF MY EYES!

Aww cry me a fucking river. Whiner. Wah wah wah, my parents died, I’m all alone and filthy rich, I have a bat fetish, wah wah wah. Sing a new song, looser. God, you should join the Misfits but they wouldn’t TAKE YOU!

I could join that group if I wanted. I’m Batman.

Lemme guess, the BatEgo is being used?

I hate you.

Ditto.

Let’s make out.

Just keep the mask on, freak.

(via The Telegraph.co.uk) The Office of Government Commerce has a new logo.

“According to insiders, the graphic was already proudly etched on mousemats and pens before it was unveiled for employees, who spotted the clanger within seconds.”

Now this logo cost £14,000 to create. No one thought to look at it sideways. They really should’ve.

Because well… sideways it just… and we’ve all seen the various funny logos, there are a hundred of them, if not more. But this one looks so innocent until you turn it 90 degrees. And then…

Oh and then.

Yeah.