So watching 90210 today, obviously. The date rape episode. Well the first at least. And this thing was a total mess of “What the fuck?” I actually sat around and sat “WHAT?!” at the screen no less than twenty times, in 44 minutes.

So let’s see…

Brenda decides she wants to do something meaningful, so Brandon suggests she work with Andrea, who volunteers at a teen crisis hotline. Except the call it “a rap line” every single time. Which, to me, suggests that you call the hotline and Run D.M.C. talk you through your problems. And while that would have rocked, it is not what happened.

The first night Brenda is just listening and learning. And she gets a personal call, which is not allowed. It’s Kelly, being Kelly, and Brenda says “Yeah.” “Not really.” and “The center closes at 10.” When she is then questioned by the woman who runs the Rap Line, who I might add was standing RIGHT THERE when Brenda got the call, Brenda tells her: “That was my ride, she just needed the address.”

So is this help center located at Yeah St., Not really lane or The Center Closes at 10 Drive? I mean, that might just be the worst lie I have ever heard in my life. And I’ve heard kids who just learned how to talk lie. They’re better at it than Brenda Walsh. I think she pulled off a lie to a deaf mute once, but only because her hands were in her pockets. Christ.

Anyway, Brenda, while waiting for Kelly who is always late, ends up back in the call center after hours. The phone rings. It’s a girl who has been date raped. Well. Raped. They add the tag “date” to it, but the circumstances they describe are oddly sketchy. Anyway – she calls at 10:30 from a payphone behind the school. The drama is now afoot.

And no I am not making light of rape here, but this show deals with all of this with its usual ham-handed flair.

Night two and Brenda has tried to tell Andrea that she kinda sorta, woopsie, picked up a call when she wasn’t supposed to. Andrea doesn’t listen to her. So that night they get a call at 10 (center is open 6-10, this call comes as they are closing) and it’s the same girl. Everyone gets upset but they give the call to Brenda anyway, since this girl knows her. Brenda tires again to get a name but only find out that she was raped again, this time by the same guy who brought along a friend. The girl hangs up again and everyone goes home.

Night three! No call. They wait till a bit after 10 and then leave, but once the women in charge goes, Brenda convinces Andrea to go back upstairs and wait. At around 10:45 they get the third call and Brenda gives the girl some tough love, telling her she has to fight back and say no and that there is a problem and she has to come forward. The girl hangs up again but this time Brenda is certain she knows who the girl is.

So she confronts her at school and the girl freaks out a bit. She tells Brenda she can’t come forward and that Brenda is jealous because this girl is getting attention and Brenda is a nobody. She storms off.

That night the girl goes to her car and there are the two rapists. Back for night four. Yeah, they aren’t the smartest rapists in the world. Let’s rape the same girl in the same place for four nights running! What could possibly go wrong? This time the cops show up and arrest them and the girl is lead away crying.

We cut to Brenda, Andrea and Brandon standing on a hill. Brenda says she needs to be alone and walks off. Brandon asks Andrea how Brenda knew this was going to happen. Brace yourself for this exchange.

Andrea: She knew all the calls happened after 10 and from the school so she figured they all happened after Grudge Week events. (Grudge week is a school spirit week, the girl is a cheerleader and guys football players)

Brandon: How’d Brenda put all that together?

Andrea: She’s a good listener.

Wait a fucking second. What did she put together? She was TOLD where this was. She knew the times. Three times in a row in the same time frame at the same place and she gets credit for “putting together” that it would happen again on night four? Yeah, Brenda is fucking Kreskin. Maybe they give her all this credit because they figure Brenda is slow? I don’t know but that just amazed me.

Oh, and in the B plot: Brandon meets an “older woman” (she’s 23) who is an amazing accupressurist and new age-y woman. He falls for her, thinks she has fallen for him and agrees to be her test subject for a full body wrap. So they go to her place and he meets her boyfriend.

That’s the extent of the main B plot. The minor two second C plot is Brandon being mooned after by a freshman. That’s about it.

Oh, side note since I forgot to mention it before. In an earlier episode, when Brenda steals Brandon’s car, she mentions it to Kelly thusly:

Brenda: Brandon would freak if I took Mondale.

Kelly: Mondale?

Brenda: Brandon’s car. He named it after Walter Mondale? He ran for President? Is from Minnesota?

Kelly: Whatever.

Yes, Brandon’s car is named Mondale.

Side notes for you: Part of me expected Steve to be the rapist. Except then the girl mentioned he brought friends the second time and I crossed Steve off my list – because he doesn’t have friends. That’s sad, but true. There you have it, Steve’s greatest defense! He has no friends.

Dylan showed up long enough to be a sarcastic fuck, and I love him for it. Brandon asks his advice about older women and Dylan spends the entire conversation mocking him, quietly and openly, and it goes right over Brandon’s head. Dylan is a great superhero, isn’t he? Snarky as well.

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