DO YOU NEED TO WIPE OUT AN ENTIRE RACE?

No, I’m just here to buy me a Cy-lon. Fer the kids.

WE HAVE A WIDE VARIETY OF MODELS IN ALL SHAPES, COLORS, GENDERS…

Stop yellin’, would’cha? It’s distracticatin’. Now I done tol’ you I just want me one of them Cy-lons.

Well of course… let me help you, and the VIEWER AT HOME!

You’re yellin’ again.

Sorry.

S’alright. G’wan.
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Well friend! As I was about to tell you, we here at CYLONS-R-US offer a wide range of models to suit everyone’s needs! We don’t subscribe to the old concept that one Cylon is as good as any other. No sirree! We think each of our Cylons is best suited to solving different problems that you, the customer, might have.

For example, friend, say you have a rodent problem. In the past you might have bought yourself a cat. But cats are such pesky beasts! They shed, they lick their own asses and frankly, friend, they sleep all day. No, now that we’re in a modern era you would go with a basic Number 8.

The Eight Series is good at eliminating household pets, crowd control and self-doubt. Why would you need the self-doubt feature, you might ask! And that’s a good question! The self-doubt makes sure that your intended target is hardly ever you or your loved ones!

But say, friend, that isn’t enough for you? Well let’s say you’re about to have a dinner party and don’t know what to do! You have to kill your neighbors, steal their belongings and made a hearty soup for the meal! Well that’s where our Number Six Series comes in.

Advanced enough to kill whole family trees without much noise, the Number six can also lay a nuclear smack down on hostile countries if need be. Even better, the Number Sixes all come equipped with the memory capacity to store hundreds, if not trillions, of recipes and gardening advice!
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But ah don’t need all that.

Of course you do, friend.

Naw, I just want a basic model.

You… no you don’t. Let me explain.
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You think you only need some basic chores done around the house: a relative to kill, some wallpaper hung. Maybe you don’t need a fancy 12 Series Cylon, you think. But you’d be wrong. What else would you do, friend? Buy a toaster?

Not only are they frankly ugly, they also tend to scratch your furniture and get bits of debris stuck in their neck cowls. We admit to selling Toasters, of course we do, friend, that’s the level of depth in our catalog, but we do not recommend them, not when you could get a 12 Series. Do you see?
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Naw I just got the kids to watch out fir. I’ll take a Toaster.

Really sir, the Six Series is good at child rearing.

Naw I think a Toaster would do fine around the house and all.

If you’re sure…

Of course I am!
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Friends, the following was a dramatic re-enactment! That man purchased a Toaster and it wet home and killed his kids. By accident. We here at CYLONS-R-US want what is best for you, and that will simply not be a Toaster. So please, we urge you, consider the Series of Cylon below and always choose carefully!