* No matter how bad things get they will be resolved before the next major crises comes up.
* Always make plans in a huddle, in the corner of a dark room.
* Listen for music cues.
* Any addiction can be treated by simply admitting you have a problem and then coordinating a group hug.
* No one poops.
* When you come down the stairs in the morning, it’s best to pause at the bottom and stare off into the distance, with your arms held slightly out. This will center you.
* If you notice you don’t have any ethnic friends, you suddenly will have one, who will teach you all about his ethic background by saying two words in his native language and laughing.
* No one ever brings work home with them, unless it is part of a larger issue.
* Money kinda just happens, unless the loss of money is part of a larger problem.
* School bullies will be stopped by teachers.
* All crime can be forgiven, simply by saying you’re sorry and returning the merchandise.
* Even though the staff probably make minimum wage they are treated like your own family members, if not better.
* Underage drinking only ever causes hilarity, and forgiveness is a hug away.
* The guy who owns your local diner is the funniest, nicest man you will ever meet, despite the fact that he looks like a local mobster / criminal.
* All girls are simply one hard math test away from falling for the geek.
* Being a nerd leaves you alone, but still surrounded by people, all the time, who: laugh at your jokes, hate to have you around, ask for your help, secretly love you and think highly of you though they’d never admit it.
* All political leanings are simply a character flaw.
* Everyone gets exactly one pimple at a time.
* Sharks are for jumping.
[And now the notes section: I didn't put in a "at the end of 30 minutes" because damn it I remember two-parters. I also, it must be noted, was raised in the 70s/80s. So the sitcom rules apply to that period. They are different now, to be fair. Not many but some. "What I Learned from Watching Arrested Development" is a totally different post, for example. And one I might do. This list is far from definitive, hence "A Few" at the start. I also wish to say that I was raised on a sitcom diet of Facts of Life Diff'rent Strokes, Brady Bunch, I Love Lucy, Cheers, Family Ties, Full House, M*A*S*H, Mork and Mindy, Happy Days and The Cosby Show, to name a few. I still look up if I hear "Sit, Ubu, sit" and call Ron Howard "Opie Cunningham" in my head.]