Yes originally this was going to be published on the 30th or 31st. But this is the 29th and here it is. Whatever.
Welcome to the first and only Talking Heads Presidential debate. I’m William Shatner and I will be your host for the evening. Both candidates have agreed to answer questions from the audience. I will moderate and keep them in line. I have a phaser. It’s on Stun.
But for now let me introduce the candidates!
Let me, Bill!
Feldman! You aren’t involved in this.
Am now. Can I, please?
In this corner, weighing in at two tons of metal and attitude, he hails from Latveria – a country he rules with a literal iron fist! He’s a mage, he’s a mad scientist, though some days he’s only cranky, he is the sworn enemy of “that Richards fool” – the one, the ONLY, Doctor DOOOOOOOM!
Doom thanks you, Feldman.
And in this corner…
This isn’t wrestling…
Shut it, Shat. And in this corner, weighing in at a superdense 400 pounds, he started in Krypton, ended up in the Phantom Zone and now resides … somewhere! He’s as powerful as Superman, a military General, a leader of men and a killer of innocents – give it up for General Zoooooooood!
Zod appreciates your greetings, Feldman.
Now gentlemen, we agreed, no talking about yourselves in the third person during this debate.
Doom has agreed to no… ow!
As I said. I have a phaser. Now! You are both familiar with the rules? Then let’s begin!
And after careful consideration our first question of the night comes from Deyo, sitting in Section L: Candidates, there are numerous agencies, both public and private, which operate under a mandate of “preserving security”. Even when the activities of these agencies are proven to be nothing more than theater, elected and appointed officials are hesitant to reorganize the process for fear of looking “soft on terror”. How do you plan to address those who claim to protect innocents, but produce only showmanship and spectacle? Doom, you won the coin toss, you answer first.
Doom does… Uhm. I do not care for putting forth only showmanship or spectacle, unlike the fool Richards! When Doom says he will preserve security then I mean it. And I will preserve your security. Doombots shall sweep the streets of your city and keep you safe at all times. All you need to do is submit to Doom’s will. There is no spectacle in that. Only truth.
Zod is soft on nothing! I will not be soft on “terror” or “field mice” or whatever it is you hoo-mans are needlessly worried about this week. I was soft once, and Jor-El betrayed me for it. Doom claims to send Doombots, but has he mentioned how he will pay for them? Of course not. But Zod’s power comes from the sun, it is green, safe and efficient. I can cover the planet in half the time that Doom’s so-called Doombots can recognize a problem.
The Doombots are nuclear powered! It is safe and efficient! And not simply one man alone.
Zod needs no one but himself to protect his lands!
Doom does not either!
Let’s move on, gentlemen. From Suibhne_Geilt, sitting in section J: The Chinese continue to have problems keeping potentially harmful contaminants out of food products. With more and more of the US food supply coming from overseas sources, what will you do to ensure we are eating safe, healthy food? Zod?
If they do not simply perform greater health checks so that you small hoo-mans can eat safely then I shall crush them like gnats under my boot.
Doom has deals with the Chinese. They will heed.
You see! YOU SEE! He has backroom deals with other nations already! Will you disclose the details of those deals, Doom?
Of course not. Those details do not concern you. Simply know they are useful, and shall be used in your benefit. So long as you vote for Doom.
And now he threatens!
Doom merely speaks the truth.
Let’s just move along. From Charmed1ofDoom, obviously biased by name, but sitting in section K: I would like to know how the candidates feel about universal health care. Doom?
All should be healthy in the service of Doom. Otherwise how can you serve Doom?
Well, short but sweet. Zod?
Universal health care? Zod refuses to care for the universe! It is too large!
No, she means…
Zod knows fair well what she means! And Zod will not yield on this! The idea is preposterous! NEXT QUESTION!
Riiiight. Uhhhh. Let me see here, aha! The next question comes from Namfle over in section H: Most of the world’s experts agree, we’re going to run out of fossil fuels very soon. What is your plan for finding a replacement source of fuel for this country? Zod?
I will simply collect asteroids and fuels from other planets, personally, ensuring a long and enduring selection of fuels for all. Unlike my opponent who is neither powerful enough or wise enough to attempt something as perfect as my plan.
Untrue! For unlike Zod, Doom will not rely on chance asteroid gains. Instead I have not only perfected my Time Platform, but also have devised ways of collecting energy from the Negative Zone. Energies which shall power many nations for generations to come.
Unless Annihilus escapes and takes his revenge!
Pfah! Annihilus does not scare Doom, and he should not scare Doom’s people, either. Why does he scare you, General?
Nothing scares Zod!
Then why is this an issue. Energy shall be so chap as to be free under my plan. Boundless energy flowing in from another dimension! A dimension devoid of life!
Except for Annihilus.
Yes, yes, except for Annihilus. But who cares about him? Certainly not the American people!
Time is passing, both of you. Let’s keep it moving and go right to this next question from Niennaainur in section Q: Would the candidates please discuss the Sub-prime mortgage crisis and it’s relationship to the savings & loan crisis of a few years back? Doom?
Under Doom wealth will not be an issue. Doom will ensure everyone has what they need and has a home befitting their stature in the community.
Doom is no socialist. Dictator, you mean.
Would it be different under you? Would you not force all to subjugate their will to your own?
Of course not.
Will they have to kneel?
You see how he lies then? Doom tells you the truth! Follow Doom and you will never worry about money again, because Doom will care for you as he does his own children. Look at the stats! Latveria has almost no crime. ZERO! Why? Because of Doom’s rule.
Because your Doombots vaporize anyone who commits a crime.
I’m sorry, are you trying to say that efficiency is bad? Do you hear this, America? Zod is against people being efficient!
I am simply against your total unthinking rule.
And then how are you different?
I would be…
Like that small town in Texas, I remember it well. What you did there was…
Efficient. Zod has no problem with being efficient. I simply prefer to deal with a problem by myself. Not with a remove, as you do.
Gentlemen, I don’t want to have to remind you again, this debate is friendly. Doom, put away the lasers. Zod, stop with the glowing eyes. We all know where that leads. Let’s just keep moving, shall we? From Nathan S all the way in the back of section X: Which one of you will abolish the space program so that we as a Americans can stop spending three trillion dollars, annually, to see new Imax films? Zod?
I will fund more space travel so that we can explore, and conquer, new planets. Of course we need to explore space. You are mad! MAD! We must push outward. Listen, let me tell you a story about a little planet named Krypton. They didn’t have a great space program either. So when their sun exploded what do you think happened? They died. They exploded. Only that bastard son of Jor-El survived. Well, and of course myself and my comrades since we were … off-planet. But still! Space travel and exploration is essential!
Doom must concur. We must quest for knowledge. And that means exploring. I am not worried, as Zod is, that this planet might explode. I would prevent that. But still! Space exploration, why it lead that fool Richards to gain superpowers! He does not deserve them. Doom does. But I did not get to go. I feel we must explore space so that we can all, one day, gain the powers we deserve.
Well said. Now, from Vrax in section I: Gentlemen, with whom do you plan to run, who are your Vice-Presidential candidates and why did you choose these particular people to serve with? What are their qualifications? Doom, your turn to tackle this first.
Doom is pleased to announce Skeletor as his running mate.
HAHAHAHAHAH! I CAN HAVE POWER!
He is used to dealing with both magic and super-science. His enthusiasm is boundless. His credentials are without peer.
HAHAHAHAH! We can outlaw He-Man!
I will have no braying fool for a running mate, like Doom apparently shall. Instead Zod is pleased to announce that his running mate is Ming the Merciless.
With Ming at my side I feel we can truly move forward on many issues. The energy crisis…
I have a lightning machine.
Also, my own planet.
I have leased the Hawkmen for my own use.
Interesting. And now once again from Namfle in section H: How do you intend to deal with the problem of the National Debt? Zod?
Zod will refuse to pay. What will they do? They will kneel. Problem solved.
Unlike my colleague I do not think that making them kneel alone will solve the problem. That is why I shall also vaporize them.
You two are direct aren’t you? From D.J. Kirkbride in section L: Doctor Doom, we know where General Zod stands on this issue, but how important will kneeling be in your administration? Well, Doctor?
Kneeling is critical and shall remain so. But it will not become a fetish as it has for my opponent.
Zod simply wishes to ensure that people know where they stand! Which is on their knees, in front of me.
What was that?!
Ahem. Right then. From hominysnark in section K: What do you intend to do about the current climate crisis? General?
Using my superbreath and heat vision I shall fix the world’s climate by Tuesday. Will that suffice, hoo-man?
Putting your faith in an alien? He could sneeze. Then where will you be? No, Doom already has weather control satellites orbiting this nation. They shall set everything right.
You rely too much on mere technology.
And you on yourself.
Technology can be broken.
Three words. Red. Sun. Kryptonite.
He’s got you there. From KPRincessKrys in section J: What are your thoughts on civil unions? Doctor Doom, if you would…
Doom doesn’t give a shit. Next?
Could you clarify that stance for us, possibly?
Doom could not possibly find a way to care less about what his subjects do in their bedrooms, with whom, unless it is a spy or enemy of the state. Past that – fuck whomever like rabbits, it matters not to Doom!
On Krypton we did not agree that a man and another man could marry and live as man and man. But that was Krypton and this is not. Here, I must admit, Zod received valid advice on his boots and jumpsuit the other day from some men. Yes. And Zod appreciates that. Thus they may marry!
Well, it isn’t a great reason, but whatever works. Again from Vrax in section I, with some specific questions.: Doctor Doom – How do expect the to balance your duties as ruler of the sovereign nation of Latveria, and your new duties as President of the United Sates of America, and will that leave time for wresting your mother’s soul away from Mephisto? General Zod – Many parents are against kneeling in the classroom, what would you like to say to them? Gentlemen?
Doom shall merge the united States with Latveria! The United States of DOOM. It has a much grander ring to it. As for your second question… how dare you mention Doom’s mother in this debate? Doom shall kill you later for that, fool!
Zod will protect you, sir. As for kneeling, those against it shall perish in flames and blood. Next question!
I’m so voting for Howard the Duck. All right, let’s finish this up with a final question from Ysabel in section B: Do you feel that it is appropriate in this country to effectively have a religious litmus test for holding major office, such that, for example, “he’s a Muslim” is an effective attack against a presidential candidate? Or the paucity of atheist candidates for higher office? Either of you want to take this first?
Rao was the sun God on Krypton. You saw how that worked out. Zod worships nothing now.
Doom worships only himself. I do not understand your point, or your question. Fool!
And that’ll do for now. This has been the first, and God help us all, the only Talking Heads Presidential debate. I’m William Shatner and…
And I’m Cory Feldman!
You did nothing, Feldawg! Nothing! Why were you ever here?
You had it under control, Billybong.
Sometimes I hate you.
Say goodbye to the nice people.
Goodbye nice people.