So, hey, Bill, I saw the new Start Trek trailer last night…

Shut it.

No, it was … interesting. I mean, at least I see why they didn’t use you in the film.

Why do you need to bring this shit up, Feldawg? I just want to move past it.

No, seriously, have you seen it?

No! Why would I watch it?

Because I’m in it?

Don’t you start!

Whatever. Fuck yourself and prosper.

Damn him.

No, listen this is good, I saw the trailer…

Yeah. Ok.

It’s shit. It’s Star Trek 90210. It’s just… that Sylar kid? He makes a crappy Spock.

Worse than Nimoy?

Don’t be bitter.

Sorry, go on.

But then the kid they have playing Kirk…

Oh no.

Oh yes! He’s just … wishy. He isn’t manly. He tries to be manly, but…

Oh for fuck’s sake.

No, I know, so I called him up.

YOU WHAT?!

Yeah. My people called his people. He called me back all “Oh man Corey Feldman,” because he’s like ten and so totally my demographic.

You did hang out with Michael Jackson too long, sicko.

Not demographic like THAT you old fuck. But yeah, we talked a while.

Why did you call him?

I wanted to give him some pointers, you know, teach him how to be a better you.

But the movie’s done! It’s wrapped!

Well excuse a man for trying! Shit, I was trying to help, all right?

Sure, so what did he say?

He said he needed to make Kirk his own and move away from “your interpretation while still staying true to the character.”

So he said he didn’t wanna do it and pussied out?

Yeah. So I had him shot.

What?!

Kidding. I had him hit by a car though.

You WHAT?!

Still kidding.

So he’s fine?

I’m sure.

Feldman…

I may have … accidentally … leaked his address to a friend.

Oh no, what did you do?

Nothing! I promise!

And now, cretin, do you understand that you will learn to fight in front of rocks without a shirt on or I will be back to heat vision off another toe? Simply nod through the tears, weakling. Don’t stand. Remain kneeling. Good. Good. I won’t have to return then. Wise choice, hoo-man.