So back in 1986 I was a wee lad of 11. I lived, as I still do, in Manhattan, and needed a walkman. They were all the rage, of course, then. But it was also that given the apartment I grew up in listening to music didn’t happen often.

Oh, it happened, sure, but not often really. At least not stuff I wanted to listen to. Now I grew up on the cusp of cassettes so I had some LPs and EPs and then got a cassette (Huey Lewis and the News Sports, if you must know) and had a little cassette player but I wanted to take my music with me, I wanted to blast it and I wanted to be one of the cool kids.

Who doesn’t want to be one of the cool kids?


So I saved up some money and I went shopping, at The Wiz, for a cassette walkman. I wanted a bright yellow Sony all-weather one, because they were cool as hell. But I when I got to the store I couldn’t afford those. So I looked and I found a cheap white Aiwa brand thing. It had AM/FM and a cassette deck and that was really all I needed.

But I forgot my tape. I had a few by then, of course, but I couldn’t fathom taking a bus home and not using my shiny new thing! Damn that would be lame! So instead I decided to splurge on another tape. A tape that would be the first thing to christen the new tape player. It had to be perfect. Important. A tape that would stand the test of time.

Yes, I am, in fact, this neurotic.

So I bought me Transformers the Movie: the Soundtrack. I mean of course it would be something that would stand the test of… and be immortal… and… Christ. Yeah the fucking Transformers soundtrack. Yup.

Let’s take a look at this impeccable album, shall we?

It starts with The Touch by Stan Bush. Not only is this a track that could have been on the Karate Kid II soundtrack, it probably was. It features such hard hitting lyrics as: After all is said and done/You’ve never walked, you’ve never run/You’re a winner/You got the moves, you know the streets/Break the rules, take the heat/You’re nobody’s fool.

So ok. You’ve never walked or run. You just stand there like a fucking lump, forcing others to bring shit to you because you’re so god-damned street Seriously, Stan Bush? Seriously? I mean I guess maybe they were going for the “You always stand your ground” concept but it ends up sounding like “You crawl!” or something. Never mind the cheesy 80s guitar and vocals, the lyrics! Christ! Not only do you have the touch, we’re also told you have the power, the heart and the motion. You’re, like, a step away from Captain Planet.

Then we come to Instruments of Destruction by N.R.G. Great band name, you fucks. So yeah this is the, uhhh, “bad guys song,” if you couldn’t work that out. Let’s look at the lyrics because if we listen to the bad fake hair metal we might have to die.

Iron birds of fortune/Adrift above the skies/Cloudy revelations/Unseen by naked eyes/Flying tools of torment/Will penetrate the sphere/Erupt the rock of ages/Bringing final fear.

They got the “rock of ages” line in there which is, I suppose, to their credit. It just sounds like of like Bon Jovi gave anal birth to Winger. And if you can work that one out (who was the mother?) then you’re one up on me. It just pains me.

Oh! Oh! But Stan Bush isn’t done! He also has a song called Dare!

Sometimes when your hopes have all been shattered/And there’s nowhere to turn/You wonder how you keep going/Think of all the things that really mattered/And the chances you’ve earned/The fire in your heart is growing/You can fly, if you try leaving the past behind/Heaven only knows what you might find!

So uhm, Stan. Let’s talk. All my hope is shattered. No where to turn. Not sure what to do. So we should then bitterly remember all the chances we had, that we apparently blew! Let’s sulk and delve deeply into the past, Stan! Then that will make us angry enough to… fly? Fly? Wait, find Heaven? Jesus fuck, Stan, are you saying if we get mad enough to jump then we can die and be happy? Have I unlocked the Da Vinci code of your heart? Have I?

Then we have some stuff by Spectre General. The Spectre General should issue warnings. Spectre General’s Warning – Wearing a white sheet because you think you’re funny will get you shanked.

The fortunate ones/To be fast and free and young/I want to count myself among/The fortunate ones.

We won’t be denied/We know that time is on our side/We’ve got the passion and the pride/We won’t be denied.

Whiny little fucks, aren’t they? Seriously the whole album is like this. It’s kind of like stabbing yourself in the head with a fork and then – stabbing yourself again. I can still listen to it, mostly due to my fondness for it in my youth. There are always those songs, really. The ones that you have a deep love for even though you know they’re utter crap.

So yeah, I loved it. I can still listen to it.

But man does it fucking suck.