Oh lordy. All right then a bit of news for you … I guess … via The Sun we find a story of woe. I’ll quote it a bit:

Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off,” said a pal.

“That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with.”

Who sees this an angry raccoon and thinks “I have to fuck that right now” and then actually goes for it? I mean sure he says he was drunk but I’ve been drunk. I know from drunk. That man was not drunk. He was druuuuuuuuuuuuuuunk. And even then? You don’t try to fuck raccoons. You just don’t. You may say it, you may laugh about it and creep your friends out but you don’t grab a raccoon, take your dick out and try to fuck the raccoon. You do not do this.

Ever.