My mind is weak. You know that whole “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for,” thing? Yeah that works on me. Without the hand motion. Or the Jedi. I mean, seriously, there are times when I simply am not at all bright or capable.

Now, I go to weather.com a few times a day. Not because I care so much about the weather as much as I am:

A) Forgetful and need to look 27 times to remember what I saw.

B) When bored and forgetting what page on the internet I meant to look at I will default to go there, because I might as well check the weather again and try to remember it this time.

C) My zip code starts with a 1, so after I’ve been there I can just hit a 1 and hit enter and go there. That feels fancy and easy.

At weather.com they run ads. For the last while they have been running an ad for Mentos Gum. These ads annoy me and obscure the weather so I have to see them. I see that ad almost every time.

But I don’t like gum. I just don’t. Not a big gum person, me. But I have been seeing these ads and they infected my weakling mind and I found myself in Rite-Aid the other day and there at the counter was a plastic bottle of Mentos Gun: Watermelon. And as the cashier put it in the bag I had this moment of clarity.

“Why is that going into my bag? Did I buy that? I wouldn’t but that, I hate gum. But it is Mentos Gum, watermelon flavored and that ad says … I don’t listen to ads, right? Do I? Wow, I found that ultra cool gum. I DON’T LIKE GUM! Why did I buy that and how did I black out just long enough to do it? I hope that gum is as tasty as it seems. Christ all mighty I am a weakling!”

So, realizing that in my head I sounded like Gollem/Smeagol fighting, I went home.

And I got home and I found myself thinking about Orbitz. No, not the travel site – the drink. Not sure how many of you remember Orbitz. It was only around for a little bit. There’s a reason for that. Orbitz was basically like bubble tea except worse. No, I am not a fan of bubble tea. Keep moving.

Orbitz, anyway, was a drink that made a big deal about the floating balls of … I dunno, snot? … suspended in it. See they seemed to float. Like magic. In the bottle, just right in there. And the liquid was always clear, the snot changed color depending on flavor. I always ended up with the Orange/Vanilla, or Creamsicle or whatever it was called. Orange Snot Bubbles In Goo.

So I had to try it. I mean I had to. It was this cool future looking drink and I simply had to try one. How could I not?

It tasted awful. So I had more of it. Because somehow I was convinced that it was cool and I should enjoy it and so I drank a few more. And every time I had one I thought about how I didn’t like it and then I would see it in a store I would be overcome with the unexplainable urge to have some, anyway.

But that was the past. Moving back to just the other day, I got home and took stuff out of my Rite-Aid bag where upon I saw the Mentos Gum and sighed. Here was the Orbitz factor all over again. But I bought it, I might as well try it.

Oh good fuck.

Ok, first of all the flavor lasts about .983 seconds. If you’re lucky. Or unlucky? Whatever. Not long-lasting. Not medium-lasting. Not lasting. It’s a hard-candy shell ball-thing that is gum. Like a Chicklet. But … a Chicklet with an abscess, I guess. Due to the size, ya know.

So I thought I would try, maybe, two pieces at once. It would, possibly, extend the crap flavor. Big mistake! This stuff has some chemical in it that, when played with in large enough doses (read: TWO pieces instead of ONE), manages to make my tongue both tingly and numb at the same time. Ningly! Tumb! TINGLY and NUMB. And also chemically gunky. So yeah, that was a gag-worthy experiment.

So I spit the gum out and sat there and made faces at the cat while hating myself for buying the gum and hating the gum for existing and hating my tongue and …

And I saw the container for the gum on my desk. And I thought, even as I sat there making faces and mentally writhing in metaphoric pain, “Hey, that Mentos gum looks good, I should have a piece!” because I am, as we established, mentally weak.

It is still on my desk. A friend suggested I give it to someone else. but I can’t! It’s my gum! What if I want some later?

I … I … I just … I mean, maybe it tastes better after a while? The gum only hits me because it loves me? My poor, poor, weak mind. Taunt me not with your advertising, for I shall weep (and then buy stuff from you!) and be sad.

… I might have a piece of gum when I get home. I mean it could be good. Looks kinda good. Bottle is nifty looking. Yeah maybe I should have …