Oh holy shit y’all, I just found the best thing on the Internets today. Black Belt Course .com where you can learn to be a ninja.

JuGodan Master Richard van Donk will train you. Dick van Donk? Is he Dick Van Dyke’s ninja brother? PERHAPS!

From his webpage:

It is late at night and you are all alone in a dark alley and 3 heavily tattooed thugs step out from the shadows laughing, tapping something in thier hands and looking your way.

You glance around and all you can hear is your heart pounding in your chest.
There is no way out or is there?

Hire a Ninja?

Good idea but a better one would to become one yourself.

Can you protect yourself? Can you protect your family? Without a gun?
At least give yourself a fighting chance. And the edge of Ninja.

And yeah there you go. Oh but wait there’s more. There’s always more, isn’t there?

I watched my Mom be raped when I was 6 years old. I tried to fight him off her and all I did was get hurt and hear my Mommy scream and cry lying to me that she was okay and for me to run away.

This and getting beat up when I was young by kids that where tougher than me motivated be to become a world recognized martial arts master training in Japan with Ninja Grandmaster Masaaki Hatsumi and be awarded his highest ranking status and the Dragon Gold Medal of honor. Enough about me for now.

This Ninjutsu BlackBelt Home Study Training Course was made just for you.

After studying this art for 10 years I worked seven more years to make a comprehensive step-by-step Ninjutsu course that you could learn the art of Ninjutsu in your own home or dojo by yourself. Of course having a teacher is important. And having a great teacher is even better yet. What is wonderful with this course is that you can put me on slow motion and train movement by movement getting it perfect the first time.

I love the “Enough about me for now,” the italics on it are his, keep in mind. Then he gives you a bullet list. I will not block quote it but simply reproduce it.. Because we all love lists.

You’ll uncover the professional secrets of movement and self defense that enable you to:

• Defend yourself and loved ones from harm

• Move out of harm’s way when attacked
• Punch with precision and power
• KICK em till they are down
• Roll on the ground comfortably
• Increase your awareness levels
• Grapple an attacker and throw them to the ground
• Develop Your Personal Power
• Become healthy and Fit
• learn WEAPONS training from the very beginning
• CLARIFY your memory, PERFORM with confidence
• ENJOY richer perception, finer life appreciation

All punctuation, caps use and more in that list are his directly. And all right! I can pay him about 400 bucks (yes really, better he says we buy it from him and save since normally it costs $600. WHERE, van Donk? Where is this 600 dollar list price?) to learn how to “roll on the ground comfortably.” I could also just, you know, roll on the fucking ground myself. I’ve never had a problem with rolling. Since I was a baby, natural roller, I guess.

Oh and under the later bullet list “Qualities That Becoming a BlackBelt Can Give you:” which is, oddly bullet #1, we find the item “Not to fear, feel safe, how to surrender, to listen, follow instruction, Leadership, responsibility, Peace, resolve Personal mastery, Co-ordination, and MUCH MUCH MORE!!!!” and I stop to wonder. It can give me “not to fear”. Right, got that. Thanks van Donk. But it can also give me “to listen” and “how to surrender” which …

Wait, this whole thing is how to never surrender! No really, a few meaningless, ill-formatted bullet points above is “A ‘Never give up’ Attitude” which, damn you van Donk, now I might need your course to see how you make any sense at all.

Also can I learn why your sword is blue, like a pointy, pointy Smurf penis.

Let us end with a letter from van Donk, himself (that oddly never again mentions the hardships that caused him to become a ninja. that he mentioned before..):

Dear Martial Arts Friend,
From the time I was a young boy of about seven and saw a movie with black garbed warriors defending their homeland I was intrigued with the ninja and I vowed to one day learn to have the same powers and magic that those shadow warriors held secret. I wanted to be one of them: to be more aware than the average man, to be masterfully skilled in defensive combat, to be so elusive that I could hide in plain sight and to be so stealthful that no one would even notice when I chose to strike or had to complete a mission – and most important of all, to be a protector of my family, friends, and community against any evil or wrong doing. I didn’t just dream of being an okay ninja of course, but of being a strong, respected ninja leader and a hero of sorts. The ninja were my heroes; they were the best of the best at everything. People told me that it wasn’t true, that there were no ninjas and even if there were, it wasn’t possible for me to be one. A part of me would not listen to them. I kept my dream alive. My secret dream was to be accepted for ninja training in a hidden mountain village deep in Japan, a secret elite training camp where morning, noon and night I would be trained by some of the best warriors in the world in the arts of self defense, weapons mastery, stealth tactics, body conditioning, mind states control and obtaining deep spiritual integration. I dreamed of running and climbing obstacle courses, doing group weapons trainings in the courtyard, and mastering perseverance over my mind and body. And after earning the trust and respect of my teachers I would take vows and leave as a skilled warrior with spirit, heart, and diversity, ready to accomplish anything I chose in life. Dreams such as this don’t go away, they linger in the subconscious until some kind of action takes place and at some level fantasy becomes reality. Over time this dream of mine manifested itself into three decades of training – in Karate, Eskrima, Jujutsu, Akijutsu, Taekwondo, special forces training, and over 25 trips to Japan to train in sword and taijutsu with Grandmaster Masaaki Hatsumi, keeper of the true Ninja lineages. Although the actual hidden mountain training camp did not exist as I had imagined it, he took me in and gave me the training I had yearned for. And not only did I receive the blessings and trust of my teachers (especially Grandmaster Masaaki Hatsumi), but also their certified encouragement to share my knowledge with others throughout the world. I am sure that you, like me and many others, would like to experience the kind of intensive training I once dreamed of. Since many people are not ready or prepared to seek out this art in Japan, I have designed this distant learning program packed full of information that you cannot get anywhere else. I am bringing it to your door and offering you a way to experience the art of the Ninja for yourself. You won’t be alone as people all over the world are studying with you. They are doing it and you can too. Our online Members Only training forum will help you with any training questions you have since high level Blackbelt instructors are there waiting to help you. We have camps and seminars where you can come have fun and expand on your skills. Besides my one on one Personal Mastery Weekend Events where you can come learn directly with me I even take students on trips to Japan to train with the legendary Ninja Grandmaster Masaaki Hatsumi. This is more than a martial arts learning program it is a change in life.

I truly hope you get started right away and experience for yourself the incredible life changes studying this art gives. I look forward to meeting you someday in person.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Keep him away and teach him how to use a paragraph break! Damn you, van Donk! Damn you to ninja heck!