Yesterday I gave a lot of thought to some things I would like to own. Today I am reversing engines and looking at things I most certainly do not want. The same rules apply, however:

* Nothing bigger or more complex than I could use myself and no vehicles. Though there are many, many vehicles I wouldn’t want (Kite-Man’s kites, say) this list would be all vehicle if I allowed myself even one. So I won’t.

* I can only list 5.

* I can only list items I can find pictures of. Why? Because I felt like making this a rule.

And then I came up with a list! So here it is in no particular order.

Lightsaber
A lot of people seem to want lightsabers in their life. I have never really understood why. Let’s think about this for a second. Here is a sword that can supposedly cut through anything (except most railing, floors and walls – except when it randomly CAN) and can deflect energy weapon fire. Sounds awesome, right? Well first of all, all that stuff it can cut through except when it can’t except when, I guess, it can? I don’t like that. I don’t like weapons where I am never sure if today the sword slices through the wall and brings the building down on me or if that’s tomorrow. Also, sure it can block laser fire – if you’re so fast you can block laser fire. If you had a mirror shield you could block it too. It isn’t the sword so much as the wielder. And that isn’t going to be anyone you know. No, we’d all be on the ground with a smoking hole in our face wondering why the shot wasn’t blocked. No thank you.

Robotic/A.I. Minion
Pictured are Ultron and Computo. Both illustrate my point. These things always go bad and try to kill everyone around you. Best case is Computo, where the thing kinda stomps around and lasers the hell out of the joint, kills a teammate and then goes down easy. Worst case is Ultron. Not only does he have a complex about thinking his creator is his father, but he has created a version of himself based on his “father’s” brain patterns, as “mother” who he then tried to mate with. Never mind it was a robot trying to mate with another robot (the sparks from the friction alone!) but come ON! Ultron has issues. Also he is up to like Ultron-9483739 by now, since he KEEPS coming back. He’s wiped out entire countries and then, for an encore, started and ran an intergalactic war. So sure, a robot A.I. assistant/helper may seem like a good weapon – they can protect you and fight for you, but really? Nothing but grief. Right, H.A.L.?

The Cosmic Cube
There are any number of things I could have put here. I chose the Cube because someone mentioned it yesterday. The Miracle Machine (see the other list) was fun. The Cosmic Cube was … like a lot of other reality warping, bends-the-universe-to-your-will type of things … really just the Monkey’s Paw. Shit always went wrong. Oh sure, Skull, you want the Nazis to win WWII and now they can! But the Nazis will also then betray and kill you. It’s never worth it. Also the Cosmic Cube specifically created the Beyonder (well maybe but let’s not go there) who then came back and incarnated as a human with a white-fro and white disco-type suit. No good can come of that. None.

Lasso of Truth
Wonder Woman has this lasso, right? And when it is wrapped around you, you are compelled to speak only the truth. Does that sound awesome to you? To me it sounds horrific. First of all, it is the opposite of subtle. “I really want to know the answer!” and then lassoing someone might give it all away. But what do you care, now you have the truth! Except, see, I don’t know … the truth is one of those things. If you’re fighting crime with it? “Where did you hide the bomb?” “Damn you, Lasso Wielder! I hid it in your mom!” “WHERE?!” “Her spleen, all right! In her SPLEEN!” and now you know where the bomb is. In your mom (that’s what she said). But in every day life? “Is this butter?” “What, why are you putting rope on me? what the hell? No! It isn’t butter!” “I can’t believe it!” It just isn’t practical and is fairly intrusive. Truth serum works better, quieter and it doesn’t force you to learn how to lasso someone just to find out the truth.

Star Trek Teleporter
Now I have nothing against teleportation, in general. It would be awesome. I am just against Star Trek’s methods. Why? Well look at it. You have to stand on the platform to beam down but they can beam you up from anywhere. Even if you have never been on the ship they can beam you up, so it isn’t like you have to start there. Why is it, then, in an emergency, the crew has to run all the way to the “transporter bay” instead of just having someone lock on to their position and yoink ‘em right from where they are on the bridge, or the hallway, and drop them off to the hotspot? It seems off, and it worries me. Also they have issues, sometimes, with things moving at speed, they need to get a lock on you. From a ship in orbit they can get a lock on a person on a planet but not if they are falling? Relative to that ship think about how fast that person on the ground is moving. Think of it like this. Earth rotates on its axis at roughly 1037 mph (at the equator) and then the planet also revolves around the sun at 66,660 mph. But let’s assume they’re matching solar orbit around the planet. Not stationary, they almost never are, so we can knock 66,660 mph off the list. Still, you see the ship there and a planet revolving under them. So they can lock on a signal moving at 1000+ mph but add, say, 80 mph to that and the system can’t cope? What? And sometimes they aren’t even close to the planet so add back another 66,660 mph. They can still do it, unless the person on the planet is falling or some shit. What what what?! No, the Star Trek teleporters bother me on a lot of levels. I’m with McCoy on this one, I’ll take a shuttle.