Just got a sales call to my cell. I do so hate sales calls. So I transcribed this one.

“Hello? Is this Adam?”

“Uh huh.”

“Hi I’m Marie from [some garbled company name] and we want to send you, for your very own, today, a few free gifts as a way to…”

“You want to give me a free gift?”

“Yes, sir!”

“Can it be the gift of not calling me ever again? You don’t have to wrap it! It’s ok! Just give me that gift. THE GIFT OF LIFE!”

“Well, I … sir, I have a check for forty dollars if you just…”

“Forty bucks? That’s it?”

“Forty dollars is a lot of money, sir.”

“Is it enough money to, I’m just thinking out loud here, ensure you never call me again? I’ll get my wallet, you decide.”

“Well, no, sir, we have the money to give you, as a thank you for…”

“Not burning your homes to the ground, declaring your women my own and doing the unspeakable to your livestock? Don’t thank me yet! Not yet. I haven’t even found my wallet. Now I was going to bribe you, right? What was that bribe again?”

“No, I was offering you forty…”

“Right! Forty bucks! Got it right here! Wanna earn it?”

“Sir, I don’t think you understand…”

“Oh, I understand. I understand like a hot pancake on a hot day understands the plight of the gophers! What you don’t seem to understand is exactly how far I can take this. Oh we can keep going. Or, and this is a free floater of an idea so feel free to work with me on it, you decide to take my number off your list, right now.”

“Well, I…”

“That wasn’t a yes. Can you say “yes”?”

“Yes?”

“I knew it! Now! As a duly appointed guardian of the holy chalice of perpetual vulgarity, I must insist that you say “yes” again!”

“What?”

“No! Not “what,” “yes!”"

“Err… yes?”

“YES!”

“Yes?”

“Perhaps?”

“Sir?”

“Don’t bother me kid, I’m thinking. Now. What did you want, anyway?”

“Well, we wanted to offer you this…”

“Just kidding. I’m a kidder. I’ll be hanging up on you now. But I want you to know I could call back at any time and make these offers again.”

“What offers?”

“Wouldn’t YOU like to know? Who sent you? Do they know it’s time to … I’ve said to much. Good day, Madame!”

“But, sir…”

“I SAID GOOD DAY!”

*click*