It’s that day! Stays Crunchy in Milk is out on Amazon (or bn.com, etc) and I am as happy as a clam. I don’t even know how happy clams are, in general, but I hear it is fairly significant on the “how happy are you” scale.

Anyway! Stays Crunchy in Milk is out! You can buy it, if you didn’t pre-order it! And for the record, yes we planned to get the pre-orders in hands before the book hit sale everywhere but fate (i.e. – printers) stood in our way. The paper back pre-orders are out and should get there this week, hard covers I still don’t have so I can’t sign so they can’t be sent. I know, and I’m sorry.

But! Stays Crunchy in Milk is out! Click the book’s title or cover anywhere in this post to go and buy it!
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They were four: Wereberry the strawberry werewolf, Choco-Ra the chocolate mummy, The Creature From the Fruit Lagoon (his friends call him “T.C.”), and Cherrygeist the… well she was a ghost. At least, until she wasn’t. One day, she wasn’t there at all. And then they were three.

Three friends who have sworn to search for her to the ends of the world and beyond – to find and save her.

Through familiar lands to places startling and unknown – across looming castles, endless battlefields and simple brick roads – these three friends will hunt and search and scour every inch. Along the way they’ll have to rely on a whole lot of luck and a little bit of charm, but mostly each other.

A fairy tale for the super-sugar generation, Stays Crunchy in Milk is a road novel packed with 100% of your recommended daily allowance of essential action and adventure. And it’s a delicious part of a nutritious breakfast.
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This is my kind of book! Stays Crunchy In Milk is that rare story with both heart and substance. Adam Knave deftly reexamines the pop cultural elements of his childhood then reshapes them into wondrous things both familiar and new. Knave’s engrossing story transforms his love for his early memories into an exciting adventure novel. Its narrative swept me right along. I really cared about what happened next. Two thumbs up from me. Four paws up from Roger Rabbit. — Gary K. Wolf, Creator of Roger Rabbit

An imaginative work that uses pop culture icons in a highly entertaining way. A fine example that fun stories need not fit into one specific genre. — Alan Kistler, Comic Book Historian, MTV.COM

In Crunchy, Adam Knave hits a unique yet wholly familiar vein that is both hilarious and nostalgic. An outstanding work of pure imagination, the story will make you laugh until your sides hurt. The characters are simply brilliant – truly original yet sprinkled with just enough retro charm to make them seem like people (or creatures) you’ve know all your life. This is one book you don’t want to miss. — Byron Starr, author of Ace Hawkins and the Wrath of Santa Claus and Doppelganger

There exists a world that we all know and love, yet have never truly seen before. Adam gives a first glimpse of this fantastic land full of familiar characters and opens the door wide for everyone to join along for fun and adventure! — Chris Giarrusso, author/illustrator of G-MAN and MINI MARVEL
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You can also read the first four chapters: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four
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If you have a review of the book, please, put it up and let me know where it is (and out it on Amazon)! If you know anyone who might want to read the book, steer them to it. It’s pop culture. It’s me being very strange, and often about as straight faced as I am here when I discuss the 80s.

So please, spread the word as much as you can. Stays Crunchy in Milk is out!

I don’t care if you have one fan or a thousand. Do your best to treat each one as good as, if not better than, you would like to be treated by someone you’re a fan of. You can’t always manage it, but the more you hit the goal the happier you’ll be.

I mean besides the obvious fact that these are really the people who ensure you get to do what you love to do, and don’t overlook that, it’s just always worth it to treat people spectacularly. Makes the whole world a little bit brighter.

And when you can’t manage to, because damn we’re all just human, at least be graceful in your movements.

All right people! Listen up! This is not a god damned drill! This is the real thing! Do you understand me?!

For years me and some friends would joke about going to the zoo and seeing the bear pit. A pit, with bears. That we could then toss people into and watch them get mauled. By the bears. And this was a great idea. Bear pit. Because, you see, the bears would be trapped in the pit. The trapping of the bears part is essential. If the bears can get out then you’ve lost the entire fucking point of the bear pit and the bears will get angry and come after you for putting them in a pit!

But no! Some fool, some wretched idiot of scum and villainy has decided that bears need ladders. With ladders they could easily escape the… oh fuck, just see for yourself!

That’s it. We’re done for. Done for! You damned fools! Why did you give the bears ladders?!

In reality: “”A bear that got stuck in a skateboard park climbed up a ladder to make its escape. The animal had been stuck in the sunken skating bowl overnight and could not get up the steep-sided concrete walls on its own. Officials in the town of Snowmass, Colorado lowered down a long ladder, which the bear walked across before heading back to the woods. The bear was uninjured by its experience.”

Firefox 3.5 removed a feature I used a lot from working. See you used to be able to set it so that links from an external source would open in the current tab but links from within tabs would, if they tried to, open in new tabs. Somehow in 3.5 it is one or the other for everything. Which is messing me up, since I have a program that feeds data to the browser and I don’t want it opening a new tab each time I have to remember to ignore reflex and always right click a link to open it in a new tab. All of which is to say that in gmail, where I used to click a link and it would open in new tab, now I click links like a fool and they open where my gmail was and … argh!

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It is with a sad, sad face I have to tell you I read the new James Morrow book and was … disappointed. I love Morrow, though I don’t read him all the time because he can literally depress me for weeks. But when I give in and read a book by him I am always charmed, entertained and enlightened. And depressed but hey. So I read his new one, Shambling Towards Hiroshima and … it felt like half a book. I loved it, right up until it just ended and I felt like he had forgotten to go anywhere with it. I dunno. I mean it worked, it was going somewhere and then it was over and I really felt abandoned. There’s something missing, some point, some ending, that either I missed or he did. I am willing to believe it was me, but that doesn’t help. Though, seriously, check out his other books.

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This video is awesome:

I was thinking through my neuroticextensive knowledge of cartoons and pop culture and I realized that not many cars of the Bayerische Motoren Werke variety show up. Heroes tend to drive muscle cars or vans and bad guys drive Cadillacs or vans. Lots of vans. Vans are not my point. My point is that the fine engineering of a Bavarian Motor Works automobile is often overlooked by many cartoons and TV shows of the 80s.

I started to wonder why. I mean they are, indeed a kind of luxury car and you would think that more people, good and bad, would appreciate that. The 7 series wasn’t out then, but it is now, and it should be transported back in time to be used. Well, it isn’t a DeLorean so it can’t travel in time but you know what I mean. Here’s a pic of the inside of one:

Now, yes, the tan isn’t conductive to what we’re discussing, black would work far better, but still. Doesn’t it sorta look like the kind of car someone would drive to solve crimes in? Maybe not Turbo Teen, since he turned into a car (I heard you like cars so we put a teen who can turn into a car in yo car! – sorry, Pimp My Ride moment) but regardless. Something about the dash says “Crime fightin’” to me. Then again, occasionally hamburgers say “Crime fightin’” to me.

Not in words, I don’t mean that inanimate objects speak to me in creepy willowy voices and tell me to fight crime. That isn’t what I mean at all. That would be simply crazy talk. How ridiculous! I mean, seriously! To even think that … all right so sometimes inanimate objects speak to me in creepy willowy voices and tell me to fight crime. What’s it to you, Spanky? You committin’ crimes? Well, punk? Are you?! Sheesh! Can’t a guy just have … what’s that Right Shoe? I should go fight crime? But I’m typing out a post right now and I … well, yes, Right Shoe I do think crime is important to fight and … all right! Fine!

I’ll be right back.

I’m back! So where were we? Oh, right!

People use cars. They use them to fight crime. Also to get hamburgers. The BMW series 7 is a luxury car that, I am confident, can do both those things. Possibly at the same time. In the 80’s. If you where to tow it behind a DeLorean doing 88 m.p.h. and travel back in time to the 80s so that the car itself existed then, which it didn’t.

See how simple that all is?

All right, maybe he says “twitch a lot” but it might be dance. It’s the Ming dance. Or he’s being tasered. Poor Ming.

I love a good t-shirt. No, strike that. I adore a good t-shirt. Recently a friend of mine opened up an online t-shirt store. I kinda groaned. I mean I love my friends and I wanna promote them but what if the shirts sucked? I mean that would be horrible, because I’d wanna say something but I couldn’t and then I wouldn’t wanna promote the store but I would wanna help and…

Luckily these shirts are so grand I want to buy each one and probably will over a period of time. History is Funny is the name of the store. To give you an idea of the shirts:

Dear lord I love these shirts.

Since 1969, when the MC-5 first implored it, we have been told, time and time again, to kick out the jams. At first blush it seems to be an easy thing to do:

Step 1: Find jams.
Step 2: Kick them out.

However, some of you have expressed doubts and concern over this idea:

• What if the jams did not want to leave?
• What if they flat out refuse?
• How much force can one, legally and/or morally use upon a jam to get it to leave?
• What about their own natural habitat, should we also kick the jams out of that?
• If we were to kick the jams out of everywhere, all the time, wouldn’t we just be kicking them out of an endless circle, forcing them from place to place and back again?
• At what point is shoving the jams out a valid substitute for actual kicking?
• Where is the best place on a jam to kick it, in order to get it to leave?
• Do jams have feelings, are we hurting those feelings and is that all right?
• How do we even find jams?
• If Bob and Sue both find a jam do they kick it together or do they share, and if so who gas dibs?
• If you are on a train to Boston at 80m.p.h. and you kick a jam out of the train at an extra 5m.p.h. while another person is on a train to Washington traveling in the opposite direction at a speed of 75m.p.h. and kicks a jam out of that train at an extra 5m.p.h. which jam will limp into Hartford first, only to be summarily kicked out?
• Are some shoes better for jam kicking than others and if so which?

These are all good questions. I don’t have any answers for them, but they are all good questions. The other thing I get asked, involving jams, is about the etiquette of jam kicking.

That I have an answer for.

If you are, say, at a bar, club, or other such establishment and you come across a jam you should quickly kick it out. Don’t be nice to the jam, a swift kick and a nod is all you should bother with. It would go something like this:

“Oh, shit, Bob, there’s a jam!”
“Go to it, Tom!”
[Here a swift kick and a closing nod is applied by Tom]
“You sure kicked out that jam, motherfucker!”
“It’s Miller time!”

However, let us imagine you are a state function, high class resort or other location of the higher classes. Then I would suggest you approach the jam firmly but politely and summarily kick it out. It would probably go something like this:

“I say, Robert, I spy a jam.”
“Aye, Thomas. I as well. You should sally forth and kick it.”
“And I shall! You there, jam! Hie yourself hence. Begone from this place.”

Sometimes the jam will refuse, mistaking your etiquette for a certain softness of character. If so you must continue:

“Good day, jam. I said good day!”
[Here a firm kick should be applied. Forego the closing nod but, for the jaunty, a kick dusting off of the hands is permitted.]
“Verily did that jam find itself removed from this establishment, Thomas!”
“Truthfully, it is as you said.”
“I believe it is time for a nice Merlot.”

I do hope this helps you in your endeavors to kick out the jams, both now and in the future.

It may not be on Amazon yet (soon my pretties, soon) but I just got two large boxes of Stays Crunchy in Milk. The trade soft cover edition. The hard covers haven’t arrived yet. So those of you who ordered a trade copy, your pre-order should go out this weekend.

And that’s great. I am excited to be able to get these out. But right this second I am more excited just to have the book in my greedy little hands.

They look so pretty. So very pretty. Woo! So yeah, expect another post when the hard covers come in and a big push of “now we can all glee” when it goes live on Amazon. For right now I am gonna post this and go pet the book a while.

Woman: I’ll have the chicken Caesar salad. Oh, wait, is that vegetarian?

Guy behind counter: … I…

Me, before I can stop myself: It doesn’t mean “Scared Caesar salad,” it means, you know, with chicken. Like, a salad. But with chicken?

Woman: So, it has meat?

Guy behind counter: It has chicken.

Woman: Oh. Well I don’t eat meat.

Guy behind counter: Then maybe something without chicken?

Woman: Is that (she points at a sign that says “Vegetarian Entree”) vegetarian?

Guy behind counter: … yes. Yes it is.