Welcome, fearless reader! I like t-shirts. Lauren likes t-shirts. Lauren is also awesome and so we decided to make this post where the following will happen! Lauren picked some t-shirts! I then told her why she picked those shirts. She then told me why I was dumb.
Isn’t that a fun game! I think that it is! Each shirt will have the image of the shirt that you can click to go buy that very shirt for yourself! We did exactly 9 shirts. Why 9 and not 10? Because I miscounted and screwed it all up, ruining it for everyone. I am why we can’t have nice things. Now you know.
Adam: You want this shirt because the little guy not only looks like a spinning top but his furless bottom intrigues you in a special way that makes me kinda uncomfortable.
Lauren: Hey, I want nothing to do with furless bottoms! ….Wait. No. Um. Okay, I like furless bottoms. I don’t particularly want THIS creature’s furless bottom for any kind of nefarious purposes. I just empathize with him. Because I too unravel my pants sometimes. ….Wait. No. I JUST LIKE ANDREW BELL OKAY.
Adam: Well this is an easy one. Everyone wants this shirt. Not only was it originally seen in Japan, but it also sums up all of our fears as we walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Fuck This Life. Plus the red seems ginchy. And we all need more ginchy red shirts.
Lauren: That’s… actually exactly correct. Also, it’s so chipper! I am secretly Lauren The Perky Goth.
Adam: Lauren, I have to stop and ask… I mean the Fruit Fucker is glorious, ok sure but… I mean… you laugh way too hard at this shirt, don’t you?
Lauren: I don’t laugh at this shirt, but I’d sure as hell get my giggles if anyone asked me to explain what the shirt was about and I therefore got to use the words “fruit” and “fucker” in conjunction in polite conversation with a normal human being.
Also, it’s a Fruit Fucker action shot! Fruit Fucker sez: FWHEEEE I HAVE A BONER.
Okay maybe I laugh way too hard at this shirt.
Adam: Not only is it geeky as hell but it glows in the dark. Isn’t that an instant win? Oh, oh, plus you want it so that when you are tired and want a nap you’ll hit the button yourself and slump onto a table.
Lauren: Yes, I want this shirt because I want to be a sleeping robot. OR because I am a sleeping robot ALREADY. PROVE ME WRONG.
Adam: Do pigeons scare you, Lauren? Did you single out this shirt just to come clean and admit to me this outrageous fear you have? When you were a kid did you go out with bread crumbs in hand and learn the hard way to never stand still and throw bread at pigeons because they will swarm like an unholy fuckrake of Hitchcockian proportions? Is that what happened?
Lauren: I’m actually one of the few people I know who doesn’t have some kind of dark, pigeon-related back-story in their history. I think I just really like the phrase “oh no”, and had never thought to follow it with “pigeons”. But it feels so right!
Adam: The squid symbolizes the clutching, squeezing terror of adulthood, while the bear is a stand-in for your feelings about Holly Hobby ovens, right? And how you think your being an adult will crush your love of mini-ovens to dust, leaving you nothing but a strange craving for half-cooked muffins. God, some of these are easy.
Lauren: Adam, I think you’re projecting your own fears. I mean, really, do cephalopods and bears and unicycles need to be metaphorical to be terrifying?
Adam: What do we have here? Phone, drink, book, knife and cat toy? This is just a Guide to Happy Lauren on a single shirt, isn’t it?
Lauren: Yes! And in blaring green with pink accents, all the better!
Adam: Another true confession entry, Lauren? Really? You’ve ridden the back of giant lizards and stolen hooch from poor desperate towns before. No use in denying it. I know. I know things, Lauren. I know things like this. My question is, what did you do with the hat?
Lauren: Never ask a bandito about her hat, man. That’s personal.
Adam: I admit to confusion here. Though this message seems, on the face of it, to be correct, neither vodka or whiskey is pictured. Yet you send this shirt to me as if it was funny. Misleading people as to Super breakfast isn’t funny, Lauren. It isn’t funny at all. What do you have to say for yourself?
Lauren: Durr, vodka is gross and whiskey is what’s for lunch & dinner! You need the important cupcake + multivitamin combo to lay a solid foundation for your day. Only with such stable beginnings can we get drunk enough to do publishing!
That ends this edition of T-Shirts with Adam and Lauren. If you would like to see future installments let us know!