I don’t play GTA at all but I would so watch this show and die laughing all the time:

Guess what came in the mail today!

The Justice League situation room was all a-twitter. Can we still use that phrase? If we, your omniscient narrator who refers to itself in the third person say “a-twitter” do you, the gentle readership, now assume that the Justice League was whipping out cell phones and doing the 140 character limbo? Have we lost this phrase to technology? Perhaps the Justice League will have to deal with that next! But at this time they found themselves with more pressing matters at hand!

Aquaman had called for an emergency meeting and luminaries such as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman were already there, anxiously awaiting what news their undersea companion had for them.

A hum and sparkle of light filled the room. The Justice Leaguers looked on as Aquaman, Prince of Tides – no wait that was a movie – King of the Oceans – that’s it, we’re certain – appeared before them. His down turned expression was unsurprising, since he was always, truth be told, kind of grumpy.

“Friends! What ho!” Aquaman said. No one replied. They waited for him to get to the point and lose the bad Shakespearean fetish. “I have come hither to partake of…”

“Dude. The point,” Superman said with his power of Super-Exasperation, “get to it?”

“Right. My bad,” Aquaman admitted, “So I have cancer.”

The bombshell dropped, like a bomb, and then exploded, KAPOW!, all over the room! No one knew what to say, except of course, Batman.

“What kind?” he asked, knowing exactly what to say.

“I have Ovarian cancer,” Aquaman told his friends.

Wonder Woman walked over, regal as the Princess of the Amazons that she was, which is lucky because otherwise it would have been suspect, her walking exactly like that, if she had been, say Princess of the Mole People, and smacked Aquaman in the face hard enough that, well:

“OW! What the hell?!” Aquaman’s grandfather exclaimed, 30 years earlier, wondering why his face hurt for no good reason.

That hard, my friends. She smacked him that hard.

“You can’t have Ovarian cancer, you trout humping fool! You don’t have ovaries!” Wonder Woman shouted, getting ready to smack him again.

“Wait,” Batman said grumpily, “what if he does?”

“How could Aquaman, who’s a guy,” Superman said with his power of stating the Super-Obvious, “have ovaries?”

“He’s from Atlantis. They’re fish people. Do fish men have ovaries? I don’t know. Do you? No, you don’t.” Batman sighed, growled and (very quietly) farted. “I know he can behave like a little girl. Maybe he is one. Inside.”

“I’ll check with my X-Ray vision!” Superman exclaimed with his power of Super-Exclamation!

“Don’t you radiate me,” Aquaman said, “Now, I read an online booklet about ovarian cancer and I looked up information about it, too!”

“And you still don’t have ovaries!” Wonder Woman insisted.

“I might! You heard Batman!” Aquaman countered.

“Batman,” Wonder Woman sighed, “still thinks it’s a good idea to put a ten year old in a gun fight.”

“She has a point,” Superman agreed with his power of Super-Smirking, “and he has run through quite a few of them. But look. I just checked, and…”

“You what? But my insides! You shot them full of X-Rays! All … radioactive now! Now I have to go home and get me a Silkwood shower! Damn it! Damn it all to hell!”

“Regardless, you don’t have ovaries.”

“Well,” Aquaman considered this new information, “then I suppose I don’t have Ovarian cancer after all, do I?”

“Not in the slightest, you idiot,” Wonder Woman said.

“Huh.”

“Yes.”

“Well, friends! It seems my illness has gone into remission! Let us celebrate! I’ll call up some whales and…”

Aquaman’s sentence was never finished. Wonder Woman smacked him again. She smacked him so hard that, well, let’s just say it is a good thing Superman has the power of Super-Jigsaw Puzzle Solving, because it took a while to find all the bits of Aquaman that were strewn about the room.

A while back I introduced you to BEARSHARKTOPUS! And we all thought that was it. We had found the most fearsome creature in the animal kingdom.

Well here comes a contender! I don’t know if he wins but he looks like he could cause trouble, at the least.

That’s right! It’s:

VERSUS

For those of you who don’t know what a Fleshlight is let me bring you up to speed. It’s a vagina in a can. Correction! It’s a long piece of rubber, whose opening is shaped kinda like a vagina, in a can. It’s a horrible thing, really. I mean this … tube is supposed to be soaked in hot water to gain a body temp and then it needs to be lubed up and then you’re supposed to go to town with it, right?

All right. So let’s say you manage to keep it up long enough to actually fuck this can of rubberized hell. Now what? Well you’ve just made everything worse, Cap’n Awful. Because you have to clean it out. Think about that. I’ll wait.

Done? Good.

So. For Halloween, the people over at Fleshlight have come up with a special model of fuckable can! The “Succu Dry”:

“Introducing Succu Dry Sex in a Can from Fleshlight, the world’s first vampire inspired sex toy for men. Take a walk on the dark side and get familiar with this pale brew. But be careful! Though this may feel like love at first bite, make sure you have wood poised to penetrate before you get completely drained!”

So uhm yeah. Because a can full of what ends up being vagina dentata is what really gets me going. The whole disembodied mouth in a can thing is just as creepy as a vagina in a can. It might be creepier, actually. A vagina in a can is obviously laughable. Part of a face in a can is a Japanese horror movie. It’s also even more Sandworm, visually.

Why do you people want to fuck a Sandworm?

Why?

Oh, but the horror gets better!

“To ensure an experience all its own, Fleshlight developed a brand new inner texture for the Succu Dry called “The Fang.” This intensely stimulating texture has dozens of tiny fangs that will gently bite at you until you’re drained of every last drop. Quench your lust and prepare for the ultimate vampire fantasy, but beware, this can will suck you dry!”

Now you can not only fuck a rubber face in a can but you can also chafe your way to success! Hooray!

The uhh, Succu Dry is on sale, by the way. 45 bucks instead of the normal 55. That’s right. Act now for ten bucks off a horrible idea! Woo. Uhm. But if you really want it. You can buy it here. Please don’t.

This thing right here
Is lettin all the ladies know
Who guys talk about
You know
The coolest guy they know
Hahaha
Check it out

Ooh dat jacket so scandalous
And ya know another hipster couldn’t handle it
See ya tiltin’ that hip like who’s da ish
With a comb through your hair so oily slick

Uh
Ya like to dance at Arnold’s Drive-in lot
And ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots
Not just suburban I like soda pop
Even though I’m drinking a milk shake: cocoa

I make the jukebox go with a thump thump thump
I’ve jumped a shark like what what what
Cunningham’s a chump chump chump

Uh
I think I’ll sing it again
I make the jukebox go with a thump thump thump
I’ve jumped a shark like what what what

All night long
Let me see that thong
‘Cause I am the Fonz
Fonz F-F-F-Fonz Fonz Fonz

My left ear is pierced. It first got done back when I was in High School. Back then I also had hair all the way down my back. The predictable happened one day. Hair looped around earring. Hair got brushed. Earring tore the hole a tiny bit coming out.

Ye-ouch!

So I let it close up because man no way, and was earring-less for years. And then back around 2001 or so I got it redone. Since then I have been wearing earrings, mostly because there is a hole in my head that is built specifically for them.

That last time I moved a few years back I lost my box of earrings though. Still haven’t found it. Because of that I have been down to the small silver hoop I default to when I am feeling undecided and my typewriter key. It’s heavy though and so I can’t wear it all the time.

I haven’t bought new earrings because every time I start to I get mad that I lost all my earrings and refuse to buy new ones. How’s that for mature? Damn skippy. But today I really just needed to buy earrings and so I did. And I looked around and saw what there was to see.

A lot of crap.

I mean keep in mind I only wear stud earrings because I hate dangly things in my head. So that limits the field. And past that I don’t want a tiny turtle or a bulky faucet (why are there a lot of faucet earrings?) and most things are either gem loaded or ugly.

And then I saw these:

And I thought to myself, “Self, you need these.” I was right. I mean look, I like Hello Kitty as much as the next guy. Why shouldn’t I have a pair of Hello Kitty earrings? They were cheap, too! Like under 20 bucks! The set is actually 6 earrings for under 20 but the other ones are like bows and they don’t do it for me.

I’ll give them to Val, probably. In exchange for a beer. See that? Barter works! But anyway.

I also found these:

I love these. I truly do. But they’re 200 bucks! Fuuuuuuuuuck no. Not worth that much. But they are pretty. Unlike the pair I got, which are white enamel, these are solid silver. And they are awesome, just so not worth the cash. I dunno. I need more cool earrings.

But at least now I started getting some, right?

*Except it totally isn’t true at all.**

**Except the really awesome parts, those are totally true.

So this morning as I was coming into the dayjob I heard a noise. Well I was listening to music on my headphones, so you would think that was the noise I meant. You’d be wrong. No, this noise was loud enough to be heard over my music. Still nothing looked wrong so kept walking.

A little while later, just a few steps really, and tripped over someone’s foot. You’d think I’d be better about watching for that sort of thing. But it was early, you know? Anyway, so yeah, tripped over this foot and looked down.

As an aside, ever notice when you trip over someone’s foot you can always tell you tripped over a foot before you even look to tell? Tripping over feet is unlike tripping over anything else. I wonder why. But back to the story.

So I look down. The foot is in a pink, sparkly boot. Now I know some people who would wear such a boot so I thought maybe it was one of them. None of them, however, live in the same town as me so that would have been really odd. Uhm, but yeah, it wasn’t them.

No it was this woman who looked like Jem! For seriously. She had the make-up, the costume, the works. I was shocked. I mean how many people cosplay as Homeless Jem? I will admit that this could be the killer costume for Halloween but it isn’t Halloween yet, so I tossed that idea right out.

“Hey, you gonna help a lady up?” she asked, while I was busy contemplating her outfit.

“Oh, uhhh, sure,” I gave her one last look over as I reached out to give her a hand. “So you’re a big Jem fan, huh?”

“What?” She laughed at me, distinctly at me. “No, you fool, I AM Jem!”

Now it was my turn to laugh. I mean I’ll believe all sorts of things (the power of 80s music to cure illnesses, Cher and Madonna are secretly the same robot with different skinsuits, bears, Jesus came back as the Dunkin Donuts guy (“time to make the donuts” was an allusion to saving your soul) but we all missed it and doomed ourselves to Hell – to name a few) but I refused to believe that some cartoon character had come to life, ended up in New York and was currently homeless.

I told her as much, leaving out the other things I believed in, because there was no point in making a scene, and started to walk away. Except them, as I walked away, that noise happened again. That really loud noise! And then music started to play!

Startled, I turned around! It was Jem and the Holograms! And they played an awesome song that kicked off a musical montage all about how Jem had ended up homeless on the streets of New York, got an addicting to crack and was counting on me to defeat the Misfits and send her back to a safe life as a cartoon icon.

But I was, I mean come on, I was gonna be late for work. And yet it was Jem. So yeah I went with them to their cartoon land and defeated the Misfits and then we all came back and had an awesome breakfast and got Jem into rehab and Kimber totally hit on me and Synergy was all “You should stay with us,” but I was like “No, awesome guys, I must away to my own world, where I will save the world with the power of awesomeness!”

And they all cried a bit, and hey I’m not too proud and I can admit I cried a little bit myself. Because holy shit it was awesome. But they sent me back here and I realized that almost no time had passed! So I ran for the train but missed it, because, well, some time had passed.

Which is why I was late for work today.

For those that haven’t seen it yet: Witness the best TV ad ever. Yes it is real, the company is real and those are the real employees.

Been half-thinking about starting a podcast thing. I dunno. Worth it or not? Good idea or not? I have a mic, two if I get the one I lent out back. I dunno. Thoughts? Do you listen to podcasts? Do you like them? What should I cast my pod about, children?

Talk to me.