So me and a few other folks (C3, Sweetney and Palinode to be exact) were discussing the oncoming storm. and by discussing I mean making it into a series of Michael Bay movies. I then decided I would take our titles and write out plots for them. Here is the result.

We are discussing, of course, the epic franchise no one has done yet named Snowmageddon. It’s like Armageddon, except with snow. Shit blows up. Can ya dig it? I’m talkin’ ’bout Bay.

SNOWMAGEDDON: Beyond Thundersnow

A snow storm is about to hit Earth. From outer space! What? How? It turns out that one hundred comets have collided and formed a swirling mass of radioactive, destructive space snow! An epic space snow storm is on its way and it will destroy all life on Earth unless one man, Ricky T. Avi (Tiki to his friends), can pull together a team of misfits and borderline criminals to stop it. How? A NASA rocket to the heart of the storm where they will spray enough salt to ensure that the snow melts, even in space, and passes us by. The ship, The Plow, is piloted by Tiki’s soon-to-be son-in-law, James ‘Slapdash’ Guntherson, the best pilot Tiki has ever seen. Together they’ll go beyond the realms of the senses, beyond even… thundersnow!

SNOWMAGEDDON 2: Bad Boy X-mas Party

Tiki and Slapdash saved the Earth but at a terrible price: Tiki’s life. Now the remnants of SNOWMAGEDDON have turned, due to a rogue Russian missile, fired by terrorists into space. They meant to hit the UJ.S. but the old Russian launch program misfired and now the exploded missile has rippled outward, pushing the remains of the still deadly storm right back into our path! Slapdash puts together the old team and adds a new member, Thomas ‘Haberdasher’ Smith, a force redirection expert from the Navy. While they try and turn the storm, two L.A. cops have to go to Russia to find and stop the terrorists before they launch a missile correctly! This is one hell of a bad boy X-mas party and not even Santa can tell who’s naughty or nice!

SNOWMAGEDDON 3: The Slushening

James ‘Slapdash’ Guntherson is celebrating the birth of his first child, named after his father-in-law and personal hero, Ricky. The SNOWMAGEDDON has been stopped once and for all and the terrorists are in custody. But the very night Slapdash takes Ricky the Second home to start a quiet life, the brother of the head terrorist comes for him! They’ll go head to head for revenge on the slopes of Kilimanjaro, where Slapdash built his new home. It’s Earth bound action and adventure for the holidays!

SNOWMAGEDDON 4: Jingle Jingle, Fuck You.

It’s little Ricky the second’s third birthday. Slapdash and his wife Julie have been leaving a peaceful life for the last few years. They’ve moved to New York and gotten new jobs. Julie, in memory of her father, has become a cop and Slapdash works for the most powerful environmental lobby on the planet. When a group of eco-terrorists take Slapdash and Ricky II hostage, demanding the blueprints to an experimental solar car, it’s up to Julie to show the world exactly whose daughter she is! Will Ricky get what he wanted for X-Mas: a life worth living with both parents alive?

SNOWMAGEDDON 5: Frosty Shits on Your Chest.

James ‘Slapdash’ Guntherson was killed in the epic gunfight while saving his son, Ricky. Being raised by his police officer mother, Julie, Ricky misses his father but knows that a true hero never gives up. He might be ten but don’t count him out! While away at military school, in the Swiss Alps, a group of older children take over, planning to force the school’s headmaster (an ex-Israeli agent) to give them his security codes. They want to hold the world hostage in exchange for money. Not if Ricky and his friends have anything to say about it! They’ll have to fight in blizzards, during avalanches and through barren, snow-covered wastelands, but Ricky doesn’t intend to let his mother, or the memory of his father, down!

SNOWMAGEDDON 6: X-mas Bukkake Party

Fifteen years after Ricky stopped the theft of Israeli military codes he finds himself in the Air Force. A young man of 25, he reminds many of his parents, with his attitude and ability to fly almost anything. It’s a good thing, too, as a group of NASA scientists realize that their initial calculations were off and when Ricky’s grandfather, Ricky ‘Tiki’ T. Avi lead a mission with Ricky’s father, James ‘Slapdash’ Guntherson to stop the original SNOWMAGEDDON space storm they accidently created a following storm. It’s time for Ricky the Second to prove himself, in space! Putting together a team of friends pulled from his military school days and augmented by advice from the surviving members of the original SNOWMAGEDDON team and Ricky’s mother they might have a chance. Might! History repeats itself, but Julie, Ricky’s mother, hopes it doesn’t repeat too literally and she loses her son the way she lost her father! Only time, space and heroics will tell in this epic adventure that takes us back to where we started: Fighting to survive in a universe that obviously hates us!

The SNOWMAGEDDON series! Coming soon, and then never, ever, going away again.