T-Shirts with Adam and Lauren – the April ’10 Return!

It’s time once again for Consumerism Wow! It’s been a while, because we’re slackers. No! Because we got busy with other stuff. But regardless! If you’ve forgotten how this works, it’s simple! I like t-shirts. Lauren likes t-shirts. Lauren is also awesome and so we decided to make this post where the following will happen! I picked some t-shirts! She then told me why I picked those shirts. I then told her why she was utterly wrong.

Thing #1

Lauren: Actually, I have been wanting this necklace. You probably also want it so that you can confuse and scare normals and other non-geeks, but you’re not allowed. I called it first.

Adam: I don’t remember hearing you call dibs. That hardly seems fair. But, I suppose, since I just called Shotgun for Life, I’ll let this slide.

Thing #2

Lauren: First off, can I say that I love how ThinkGeek filed this under “Tech Jewelry”? I love that. But you want this not only because of cute labeling. You want this because the Evil got into your hand, it went “bad”, you had to lop it off, and now you’re stuck in the past where you don’t have access to chainsaw fuel. So you’re going to make this sucker mechanical and fight some more of the Evil dead. Except I’m not sure how you’re getting Internet access in the past, and come to think of it, this is really not the first thing I’d order online if I were trying to fight Evil with temporally limited resources. Not very clever, Adam.

Adam: Oh sure, use my remaining Internet Into The Future time to berate me for my ordering choices. Nice one. No, silly. I want this so that when I go around dope slapping people upside the head it will be a Dope Slap of Dooooom. Dooooooooooom, I tell you! None shall mess with DOOM! Damn that Richards! DAMN HIM TO… Oh, sorry, where was I?

Thing #3

Lauren: Well that art is just intricate and gorgeous. Also you want to wear it under a tuxedo jacket. With a red rose pinned on the lapel. While carrying a cigar. With scar makeup applied over one eye.

Adam: Actually I wanted to wear it around just so I can say “No, talk to the Monkey,” point at my chest and just look all stern at people. And see what they do. I mean, if they talk to the monkey, what do they think will happen? And if they don’t? Well, just goes to show they’re scared of the monkey.

Thing #4

Lauren: A cautionary tale in t-shirt format! You’re trying to warn other filthy liars who might be tempted to follow in your filthy footsteps. OR you’re trying to sell a bumper crop of burn salve. OR you’re going to carry around an aerosol can and a lighter and use them to point at the shirt when you feel like you’re being lied to.

Adam: I would never, I mean that last point… look, I’m not sayin’, all right? I’m just sayin’, if you follow. Now tell the truth. *ahem*

Thing #5

Lauren: You want to remind people that Earth ain’t gonna conquer itself.

Adam: It’s so true. Why don’t people get that, Lauren? Why?!

Thing #6

Lauren: You want yourself to know that it doesn’t matter that you can’t remember the second two words… you love yourself anyway. That’s really sweet of you, Adam. Though also it’s a tad bit brownnoseish, ‘cause honestly, you’re the one who you’re stuck in the past with. Do you really think you can smooth things over with yourself that easily?

Adam: I can so remember the other words. It’s Klaatu V*coughcoughcoughcough* See? I got it, I got it! Sheesh.

Thing #7

Lauren: Those are just creepy. Why WOULD you want to keep the disembodied head of a poor, helpless unicorn on a KEY RING and doom it to forevermore unlock doors for you?

Adam: As a lesson. To the others. You know how it is.

Thing #8

Lauren: You’re coming to visit the Dirty South soon, and you want to make a political statement with your shirtwear. And/or get your butt kicked back to the metro Atlanta area should you stray too far from it.

Adam: Is that some kind of warning? Because I am really bad at those. Like now this feels like a dare.

Thing #9

Lauren: Dude, brontosaurus shirts are THE BEST kind of shirts. Of course you want this one. Also you’re hoping you’ll get to school a child about the kind of dinosaurs (and planets, and other sciencey things) that you had in your day.

Adam: I am not that old! (yes I am) And Brontosaurus shirts ARE the best kind of shirts. Next to all the other best kinds of shirts, of course.

Thing #10

Lauren: You enjoy wearing true statements? Especially ones that are filled with candy prizes? OR, you empathize with the piñata because you yourself are filled with a candy prize. Oh, no no, don’t mind the bat. Just stand still.

Adam: Uhm. Lauren? I… put down the… No, I… I… AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*

This installment of Consumerism Wow has been brought to you by Adam and Lauren. Children, do not beat each other like pinatas, Adam and Lauren are highly trained professionals. Which is why they also travel in time, set people on fire and behead unicorns. Yes. I am telling you everything in this post is 100% true. Suck it, reality.

By Adam P. Knave

Adam P. Knave wrote this, but you knew that, since this is his site. That’s kinda how it works.

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