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Consumerism Wow with Adam and Lauren – July ’10!
It’s time once again for Consumerism Wow! This is the July edition. It is still July when this goes up. At least one item is only offered for July so runrunRUN! If you’ve forgotten how this works, it’s simple! I like t-shirts. Lauren likes t-shirts. Lauren is also awesome and so we decided to make this post where the following will happen! I picked some t-shirts! She then told me why I picked those shirts. I then told her why she was utterly wrong.
Lauren: Who’s the mustachioed presidential pick who’s a sex machine to all the chicks? Who’s the cat that won’t cop out when there’s Democrats allllll about? They say this cat Taft is a baaad mother–
Adam: Shut yo’ mouth! …and that’s why this shirt exists.
Lauren: I… I don’t want any of the Elder Gods using Twitter. It’s bad enough as it is! I mean. ReTweets and pronfollows and foursquare are enough to drive anyone mad already. Are you one of Twithulu’s cultists? Is that why you want this shirt? Fess up.
Adam: Cultist is such a strong word. We prefer “Empire Building Joy Minion” these days. Besides when Twitthulhu comes and devours the souls of everyone on twitter who will notice?
Lauren: You’re planning a series of steampunk Renaissancepunk stories about da Vinci creating Voltron.
Adam: …I wasn’t. I am now, but I wasn’t before.
Lauren: By “science” do you mean “pop culture”? “Word science”? “Computer science”? As your editor, I might have to take a Sharpie to this shirt.
Adam: I mean SCIENCE, Lauren! SCIENCE! The way God and Stan Lee intended it! The sort of thing you don’t define, but enables you to do everything from biology to advanced robotics and interdimensional gateway construction. Good, old-fashioned, utterly encompassing SCIENCE!
Lauren: You want to spend a whole day explaining to people what “transitive” “pictograph” and “verbalization” mean?
Adam: No, I just want to use it as a test. This shirt and my baseball bat. Consider it situational educational evolution. Or just consider it “an excuse.”
Lauren: You don’t have enough shirts about boozin’, and you’re afraid that people will begin to doubt that you’re a writer if you don’t remind them how often & strangely you booze.
Adam: Oh, people doubt I’m a writer already, have you seen my reviews? For reals, yo. Frankly I want this shirt as a reminder for why I need to booze more. Instructional and fun!
Lauren: You’ve thought too much about how the fight between Cookie Monster and Pac Man would go down. You’re afraid for Pac Man. Images of his broken yellow form haunt your crumb-filled dreams like the multicolored ghosts that are the least of his worries.
Adam: Well that’s because he wouldn’t last! There’s nothing Pac Man could do to stop Cookie Monster, nothing at all! He doesn’t even have ARMS! He’s just a broken pie chart that is haunted by the people he couldn’t save. So they chase him around and he runs, trying to fill his sorrowful empty life with flash and light before the inevitable catches up with him and he pays the price for his… oh god, Pac Man is John Constantine.
Lauren: This depicts exactly what goes on at Tea Party meetings, except with infinitely awesomer people. You want this shirt because you believe in the power of revolutionary figures making a difference in how we party.
Adam: Wait, what? If Tea Party meetings are anything close to this shirt I may have to switch my political views. But yes, I do equate Mr. T to Bill and Ted in that revolutionary party sort of way.
Lauren: Darkseid is like beer’o’clock – he’s always ruling somewhere. You want this shirt because you enjoy wearing true statements about fictional overlords.
Adam: I would admittedly prefer the more classical slogan of “DARKSEID IS,” but this is just awesome. What I don’t get is – why do you say he’s fictional? Would you like to discuss this — with my Granny?
Lauren: If Wereberry, T.C., and Ra had any manners, they would’ve bought this one for you already. Fictional characters, eh? Can’t never depend on ‘em for nuthin’.
Adam: And now I’m very sad. Thanks, Lauren.
This installment of Consumerism Wow has been brought to you by Adam and Lauren. Please remember to shun Gods who start by claiming they are evil and want to remove all free will. Adam and Lauren are highly trained professionals. Which is why they can resist the power of the Anti-Life equation, as stated thusly: loneliness + alienation + fear + despair + self-worth ÷ mockery ÷ condemnation ÷ misunderstanding x guilt x shame x failure x judgment n=y where y=hope and n=folly, love=lies, life=death, self=dark side. You might not be so lucky, so be careful.
