Consumerism Wow with Adam and Lauren: Nov ’10!
It’s time once again for Consumerism Wow! This is the late November edition. SPOILER ALERT: We’re trying to pull together a double-special December edition, too. But for now – If you’ve forgotten how this works, it’s simple! I like t-shirts. Lauren likes t-shirts. Lauren is also awesome and so we decided to make this post where the following will happen! I picked some t-shirts! She then told me why I picked those shirts. I then told her why she was utterly wrong.
Lauren: Well. You want this shirt either because you want to write beautiful, slightly sad stories about love and loss and life, or because you want to do something naughty with Senate Republican Leader Scott Fitzgerald of Wisconsin. Maybe both?
Adam: I don’t want to write those stories, Lauren. I want to do nasty, shamed-in-the-light-of-day things to them. Twice. While wearing a bow tie. A bow tie of shame.
Lauren: You want this shirt because it speaks the truth! But are you warning people against being offended by other people or by yourself?
Adam: Do I still need to warn people that life can be offensive and that I most certainly am? I thought the memo reached everyone by now. No, I want this so that I can not only tell the world that I like it when folks fist felt puppets but good, but I like it more when those felt puppets seem cranky about the fisting.
Lauren: You wanna train your cat to fight Batman! Awesome! Someone’s gotta keep that dude in line.
Adam: No, I thought I could train my cat to be the Batmobile. She already tears ass around the apartment at jet-speeds, I thought maybe she could learn to do it FOR JUSTICE!
Lauren: Do you actually cook? I didn’t think you did. Which leads me to believe that you want this apron for wearing out about town and hovering around food carts as though you work there.
Adam: I do cook, though not as often as I mean to. And that food cart idea is golden. I might have to steal that. However, I was thinking of wearing it to promote my new fan fiction series: The Last of the Hannibal Lecter Unicorns
Lauren: Your dour demeanor so frequently belies your gleeful mood that you want to reassure people that on the inside, you are super excited about everything. OR you want to trick people into thinking that you’re super excited about everything so they’ll be off their guard for the unequivocal pants-kicking that you’re about to deliver them.
Adam: Well now that you explained about the pants-kicking my success rate at fooling people is going right in the toilet! And hey, I’m not dour, Lauren! I am inscrutably magi-cranky, thank you very much.
Lauren: You’re pleased as punch that someone in DC Direct is as much as of a nerd for obscure side characters that’ll send casual comic book fans scrambling for Wikipedia as you are?
Adam: Creeper is not obscure! How dare you! Well, that’s the last time I offer educate you on some of the… unfairly lesser known wonderful characters out there. Hey! Stop applauding, Lauren! That’s just mean.
Lauren: In your reality, all bears vomit rainbows. This is why you rarely venture outside the city. You don’t want to be blinded by indigestion-plagued wildlife, and you want to spread awareness with this shirt.
Adam: Wait, “in my reality”? Then how are rainbows made, Lauren? How?! Huh, Ms. Smarty-pants? You think they just show up in the sky? Out of nothing? Or isn’t it more likely that flying bears vomit them out into existence? I thought so.
Lauren: This shirt hearkens back to a
simpler more awesome time, before Man destroyed the delicate balance of those most natural predators: T-rex, sperm whale, colossal squid, and living lightning. You’re all about educating the public about Science this month, Adam.
Adam: I am! I am also longing fro the days before pay-per-view when you could tune in and watch these fights for free. $59.95 for a fight that might only last 10seconds? Are you kidding me?
Lauren: No band in recorded history has rocked harder or collectively had more restraining orders taken against its members! Any hot-blooded man deserving of the term “man” would wear this shirt with pride (and Subway stains).
Adam: Why are that Indian lesbian and Sam Kinison ruining your wedding? Because that’s what it takes to get your face rocked off! Also why did you take that restraining order out against them? IS this related to your need to train my cat to fight Batman, somehow?
Lauren: You keep forgetting the middle of the binary joke from Reboot, and want to be able to quote it wherever you go.
Adam: There is nothing in the universe I can say to make this better than it just got. Nothing.