Crichton the Human

So thanks to a random discussion on Twitter I ended up writing Crichton the Human, a reworking of Charlie the Unicorn for Farscape fans. The plan is to get this recorded and eventually dubbed over the original animation. We’ll see if it happens and where it goes. Expect updates as and if they happen. In the meanwhile, though, I don’t wanna let this just sit so here’s the script for it! Enjoy!

SCORPIUS: Hey, Crichton. Hey Crichton wake up.

HARVEY: Yeah Crichton. We want pizza and margarita shooters, wake up.

CRICHTON: {Groans} Oh God you guys. This better be pretty frellin’ important. Is Moya on fire?

SCORPIUS: No Crichton. We want you to find a map, to Wormhole Mountain, Wormhole Mountain Crichton.

HARVEY: Yeah, Crichton, we want to go to Wormhole Mountain. Come with us Crichton.

SCORPIUS: Yeah Crichton, it’ll be an adventure. We’re going on an adventure Crichton.

CRICHTON: Yeah, Wormhole Mountain, right. I’m just gonna, you know, go back to sleep now.

SCORPIUS: {Jumping onto Crichton’s back} Noooo, Crichton. You have to come with us to Wormhole Mountain. Only you can navigate it!

HARVEY: Yeah, Crichton, Wormhole Mountain. It’s a land of bending space and time…and power.

CRICHTON: Please stop bouncing on me.

SCORPIUS: {Still jumping up and down on Crichton} Wormhole Mountain Crichton.

HARVEY: Yeah! Wormhole Mountain!

CRICHTON: All right, fine! I’ll take you to Wormhole Mountain.

{Cuts to a forest as they all walk through a meadow}

SCORPIUS AND HARVEY: {Singing} Lalalala, lalalala, lalalala, {continued}

CRICHTON: Gah, enough with the singing already.

SCORPIUS: Our first stop is over there, Crichton.

{The trio stops by a man in a black suit, with black eyes}

CRICHTON: Oh God, what is that?

SCORPIUS: It’s an Ancient, Crichton.

HARVEY: A magical Ancient.

SCORPIUS: It’s gonna guide your way to Wormhole Mountain.

CRICHTON: All right, guys, you do know that there is no actual Wormhole Mountain, right?

SCORPIUS: Shun the non-believer.

HARVEY: Shhhunnn.

SCORPIUS: Shhhhhuunnnnnnn-naa


{The Ancient groans}

SCORPIUS: He has spoken.

HARVEY: He’s told you the waaaaay.

CRICHTON: He didn’t say anything!

SCORPIUS: He implanted it in your head! It’s just over this bridge, Crichton.

HARVEY: This magical bridge of space and time!

CRICHTON: Wait, how do you guys know if it’s in my brain? Scorpy! But, hey, wait, seriously, you guys, we shouldn’t be on this thing.

SCORPIUS: Crichton… Crichton~… Crichton~… Cha~~

CRICHTON: I’m right here! What do you want?!

SCORPIUS: We’re on a space/time bridge, Crichton.

{Cuts to the trio approaching Wormhole Mountain}

HARVEY: We’re here.

CRICHTON: Well, what do you know? There actually is a Wormhole Mountain.

SCORPIUS: {Dancing and singing} Wormhole Mountain, Wormhole Mountain, you fill me with joy at a way to defeat Scarans.

HARVEY: Go inside the Wormhole Mountain cave, Crichton.

SCORPIUS: Yeah, Crichton, go inside the cave. Magical wonders that will behold when you enter.

CRICHTON: Yeah, uh, thanks, but no thanks. I’m gonna stay out here.

HARVEY: But you have to enter the Wormhole Mountain transfer cave, Crichton.

{Ten letters (W, O, R, M, H, O, L and E) appear from Wormhole Mountain and sing and dance.}

E: Oh, when you’re lost in a strange sector, Then just head right on up to the Wormhole Mountain cave. When you get inside you’ll find yourself all of space/time, Such happy and joyful and perky possibilities. They got modules and Prowlers and Leviathans, And so many things that will brighten up your day. It’s impossible to wear a frown in Wormhole Town, It’s the mecca of chance in the Wormhole cave. They got Ancient be’ins and Neural clones with little hats, Nebari rats, Luxan cats, it’s a wonderland of everything. Ride the wormhole train to town and hear the wormhole band, Wormholes, it’s a treat as they march across the land. Time warp ribbons stream across the sky into the ground, Turn around, it astounds, it’s the colliding event horizons. In the wormhole cave time and space run so free, So, Crichton, please will you go into the cave?

{The ten letters collide and burst into flames}

CRICHTON: All right, fine, I’ll go into the frelling wormhole cave. This had better be good.

{enters Wormhole Mountain}

SCORPIUS AND HARVEY: {voices only} Yeah….

SCORPIUS: Goodbye, Crichton.

HARVEY: Yeah, goodbye, Crichton.

CRICHTON: Goodbye, what?

{The cave is flooded with darkness}

CRICHTON: Hey, what’s going on here? Hello? Who is that?

{Muffled sounds are heard to indicate that Crichton is being knocked out}

{Cuts to seen of a meadow where Crichton lies on the ground with an incision on his skull}

CRICHTON: Oh, God, what happened? {feels the cut} Oh, they took the frelling implanted knowledge!

By Adam P. Knave

Adam P. Knave wrote this, but you knew that, since this is his site. That's kinda how it works.

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