Canadian purchase

So I had an idea recently. It started with offering bad names for a friend’s soon-to-be-born child. She suggested I get my own. But then she said “buy” and I thought about it and came up with a better plan:

I would like to buy a Canadian.

Why a Canadian instead of a baby? Look at the facts!


  • Know from decent beer.
  • Come with vouchers for free health care.
  • Also come with a raffle ticket and chance to win a free Zamboni.
  • Enjoy hockey.
  • Still dislike Quebec.
  • Know who Don Cherry is.
  • Fear the power of Don Cherry’s jackets.


  • Yell all the time.
  • Poop and pee all over.
  • When they aren’t spitting up.
  • Can’t buy me a beer.
  • Or discuss a good book.
  • Or do much of anything because they’re BABIES.
  • Can discuss Don Cherry, though, oddly enough.

Now, the Canadian I buy must also be willing to pretend to be an extra cat, as I am not sure about the legality or buying a Canadian, really, and also my landlord might mind. We could be zoned for no Canadians. So, yeah. Pretend to be the cat. This isn’t some creepy cat costume thing. It’s just, you know, should the authorities show up, it should go down like this:

Cop: Hey! Is that a Canadian?

Me: No, Officer. That’s my other cat.

Canadian: *lies down on floor, sleeps*

Cop: Looks an awful lot like a Canadian.

Me: Had to pay lot for such a rare cat breed, I tell you that, sir.

Canadian: *claws the couch*

Cop: Hmmm, well, I suppose… Canadians would be hard pressed to claw couches, after all.

Me: That they would, Officer, That. They. Would.

So, the cat thing is a must. Also, please note:


  • Canadian babies – nice try but we’re onto you. Stupid babies.
  • Celine Dion – Stay back, foul demon woman.
  • Alan Thicke – There have been several reports of people returning their Alan Thickes for refunds and I want none of that.
  • Québécois – Seriously guys. Stay there and push for separation again. Dorks.

So, yes. Looking to buy a Canadian. Shouldn’t be too hard.

By Adam P. Knave

Adam P. Knave wrote this, but you knew that, since this is his site. That's kinda how it works.

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