Anti-Social Media Relations

I have decided to start my new small business as the premier Anti-Social Media Consultant. If you need to fail hard to managing social media, I’m your guy! To prove it I will now share with you the Top Ten Ways to Fail at Social Media:

Top Ten Ways to Fail at Social Media

  • ONE – When using Twitter be sure to never reply to anyone, and only post links to your own products / articles. Also make sure to retweet every link you can find that mentions you by name. For bonus anti-social media points you’ll want to automatically Direct Message every new follower you make!
    • Remember – the object of social media is not to invite discourse, it is to broadcast your message to people, regardless of if they want to hear it. Of course they want to hear it, they just haven’t yet. So yell it at them until they hear it and then they will thank you for it.
  • TWO – Make a FaceBook page for your brand. Then invite everyone you know to become a friend of the new page. After thirty-six hours, max, request it again. Follow-up, inside of twenty-four hours, with a group mass message asking them to help you and to like and friend the page.
  • THREE – Use SEO for your blog. At all. Take SEO seriously. Do it. No, we mean it, go on. Why are you crying? Stop crying right now! You wanted to fail at social media, didn’t you? This is what it takes! Pay any attention at all to SEO!
  • FOUR – Write long involved articles about how some other form of social media is going to fail, because of a different type of social media. It doesn’t matter which you choose. Make up a list and throw darts. Twitter will kill email. Facebook will kill blogs. Google+ will kill MySpace. It literally does not matter what social media you choose. In fact, for fun, use the same one twice.
    • For example: Email is going to kill Email within five years. Users of Email are finding that if they use Email instead of Email they communicate faster and better. “Email just works, and really isn’t Email so last year? So I gave up Email and now I just use Email,” one random person said. And we believe that person holds the key to the entire human technological and sociological race.
  • FIVE – Write articles about how to use social media. Nothing says utter failure like resorting to meta-naval-gazing techniques. And see, this is proof that I am the right person to show you how to fail at this stuff!
  • SIX – Write articles about how you need to always demand what you’re worth, and then hold contests to design you new banners and other scams to get free work done on your own site.
  • SEVEN – When investigating how best to use a new social media tool, make sure to let it get overrun with nothing but links back to the same content you push everywhere else, so that no one who follows you can avoid seeing the same drab of original content yelled at them in at least five places at once. Remember it isn’t what you say, it’s how loud and often you say it.
  • EIGHT – Promise all of your readers various things, set concrete goals for yourself, in public, and then ignore them every time. Ensure that you always fall short. If you promise ten posts about Christmas, post seven. Hitting your goals will make your constituents feel inadequate. By failing at everything you do, you become far more relatable and people will forgive you, and read even more of your work because they feel sorry for you, since you couldn’t manage to complete a self-assigned task.

So that’s my list. If you want hints and tips and tricks that are personalized for you and your projects just send me mail and we can discuss a fee!

By Adam P. Knave

Adam P. Knave wrote this, but you knew that, since this is his site. That's kinda how it works.

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