This weekend at Baltimore Comic Con I found the single scariest thing in Baltimore. Well, for now. Still. There was this mural up in the convention center, over the Starbucks on the third floor. And this shit was not right.
Here it is then:
My favorite thing about this painting is that everyone I discussed it with agreed on the details. That almost never happens. So here then is our collective interpretation:
- The gnome in the middle has enslaved all the children.
- The kid putting the sailboat in the water has been told he will be killed if he gets the sail wet. That kid next to him is the enforcer for it. Note the other sailboat nearby – the property of the last kid who screwed up.
- In the background from the sailboat kid is Abe Saipien’s relative, in a sunhat.
- The guy on the horse hates this town, but has to sell his fruit. He also gilds his horse’s saddle though no one rides the horse. It’s a metaphor for the death of innocence.
- His horse has a broken front leg and a broken back leg. Seriously, how is that bending outside of the area of the wheel? Jesus, get a doctor.
- On the other side of the fountain you have the meth addict washing his hands, like Lady Macbeth. He only wishes his sins were that easy to wash away, but he’s seen things.
- The girl on roller skates has shanked seven customers so far this month. She offers tours of the city. Don’t take them. She hopes to overthrow the gnome someday, but not to set the children free. She just wants power.
- The gnome is a music fan and teleported this next girl from 1986 to be his personal Sheila E. She’s, surprisingly, al right with it.
- Giant. Crabs.
Now at either end I cut off bits of the picture. To the far right there was a guy with such bad perspective that even the fruit he lifted over his head couldn’t hit him. To the left there was a fish vendor selling what seemed to be a giant fish made of two fishes glued together, puking up a third fish. Also note in the background on the left, the laughing jester face floating in air to the left of the factory. That’s a factory of the damned. It mints tarnished souls. Sells them for retail.
Anyway, so yes, this painting, easily eight feet wide, hung over the Starbucks. Want coffee? Stare at this shit first.
Then decide how badly you need caffeine, and what you’re willing to pay for it – in the currency of sanity.