EXCLUSIVE: Believe Everything You Read On The Internet

I got an email the other day telling me some rumors about a movie. They must be true. Why? Because I read them using the internet. It’s about time we fess up and admit – why’re gonna believe everything we read, like total idiots, and we’re just going to own it.

The Internet is the largest collection of data in human history. Large Number Theory clearly states that if given large enough numbers you can pull in Large Number Theory. Given that, those numbers, being so large, are large. With anything dealing with numbers that massive, some of it must be true.

Think of it this way – if 10% of things are true, and there are infinite things on the Internet: 10% of infinity is infinity. Which means everything is true. And that’s math. Furthermore, I have now used math, and the word Theory. To discount my assertion now would be to call your entire life into question. You don’t want to do that.

It’s easier to just accept what I say is true, and by extension, that everything is true. You know when people freeze to death there is that calmness right before they actually die? A stillness, a sense of peace, an acceptance of the universe that washes over you and eases you out of the living. It’s the sort of thing that Internet can do as well, except with less “you’re now dead” and more “cute animal slideshows and gossip about people you don’t care about.”

I want you to go forth and believe in whatever you read on the Internet, in peace and freedom. Because who the hell are “facts,” or “truth” to tell you what to do? You didn’t agree to that. You didn’t sign a paper. You just want to live your life and enjoy things. If that means that every rumor must be true, because parsing out the common sense issues with it detracts from time you could spend drooling, then so be it. So be it!

Go! Believe! Cool Slogan! Stuff! Yeah!

By Adam P. Knave

Adam P. Knave wrote this, but you knew that, since this is his site. That's kinda how it works.

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