Let me explain how this Monday is already going… I’ll use an instructional video to assist me:

So get this. I get to work and be friends with a lot of people that I admire. They have skills that impress me and they do things that I am a fan of. It is the best feeling in the world, watching friends be awesome and build and do amazing things.

To that end I wanna introduce you to one of those people. I should do this more often, I know. But I get busy and forgetful and end up failing. Still! I will do this one.

Attila Adorjany is an artist. You can find him at 600 pound gorilla where he blogs and does comics and draws and…

He does live draws you can tune in and watch! He does all this stuff and recently he even asked for some help. Here’s an amazing artist who wants your help getting out there. He earns the chance with every piece he draws. It’s awesome to watch.

Anyway, you can go here to read his talk about asking for help.

He also does commissions. Are they dirt cheap? Of course not. Are they worth it? I’m saving some pennies up now, man.

So seriously, go check him out, read his stuff, look at his art and become a fan. Because, hey, awesome is awesome, right?

So today I joked that if I got to 20k followers on twitter by the end of the day I would do something like post ill-advised pictures. And I thought of the type of picture, how ill-advised I could get. Just in case. Mind you when this started I had 305 followers on twitter. It wasn’t as if I was worried. Anyway, I lost a follower instead of gaining any. So I decided I would give you a picture anyway. Truly ill-advised.

So here you go:

Pope Princess Vader for the … win?

A friend pointed out an auction to help Haiti. To Haiti With Love is a great collection of items you can bid on and help raise money. All proceeds go to help Broken Wings, which is the Canadian fundraising organization whose primary mission is to support the vision and ministry of the St. Joseph Family in Haiti, which includes the St. Joseph’s Home for Boys in Port-au Prince, Wings of Hope in Fermathe, and Trinity House in Jacmel.

Anyway! I wanted to help somehow but needed something worth putting up for auction. And then I remembered something cool. Back when Stays Crunchy in Milk came out the publisher produced exactly 34 hardcover copies. I stole one from him. I took number 1 of 34. I kept it separate and pondered what to do with it. I mean it becomes the single rarest copy of the book that will ever be made. Something cool had to be done with it.

Something cool was done with it. You can click that link and bid on the rarest copy of the book. You have until midnight, EST, Monday February 8th to get a bid in.

So go help some folks out and get the rarest of the rare. I knew I stole that copy for a reason. Once again, you can click here to go bid.

Thanks and please, spread the word.

I don’t like you. I mean, in general. I don’t like a lot of people. I honestly, and truly don’t. So there’s a good chance I mean you, when you read this. And of course, a lot of people will read this and think “Oh he means those other people, not me,” and that’s fine. If that’s what it takes for you to sleep at night. Go for it, little buddy, I won’t rat you out.

But come on. This is the internet. It’s kinda part of my job to write shit and speak to you and share what’s in my head. And that includes this. Because I will always be honest with you. But that might not be a great thing for you every day. Some days I might just have to remind you that I don’t like you.

You probably don’t like me, either.

Oh, you might enjoy the blogging, and the fiction, and the comics (assuming you read any of that stuff and if not, why not? It is what funds the blogging. If you like the blog, buy a book, willya? Fuck. Yes I’m a whore. But again, honest about it.) and you might have a blast and come back every day. I don’t know.

But if you do? The majority of you do it for what is here. Not for me. And while this stuff is all true and honest and open, no matter how stupid, it isn’t me. It’s as much of me as I can fit in little boxes, but it isn’t me.

You’ve never seen me in the midst of crippling moments of panic. Not because I’m ashamed of them but because I try to not whine about myself here. Just a personal rule. If it bores me I don’t blog it. And my own bullshit bores me.

Which, as a side note, is how I get past my own shit. I hate to be bored. I despise boredom. And so when I’m depressed or panicked and can’t cope I stop and think about it and realize it is boring me and I then I get over myself. True story.

Which is not to say my friends stuff bores me. No, that I am interested in and try to help any way I can. It’s just my own issues that bore me. I have to deal with them 24/7 after all. It breeds distaste.

Still, let’s stay on message. Me and you. You don’t like me, because you might, possibly, like what you think you know of me, at most. At most. And even then, you don’t like me. You like some construct of me you have in your head.

Most of the people reading this? I don’t even have that for you. I don’t. And you know it. And when I read someone else’s site, their words, I realize that they don’t know me or like me. They’re not my special shiny fucking friend. There’s no connection just because I can relate to their story of the time they got a box of Captain Crunch stuck up their ass.

So no. I don’t like you. You don’t like me. And neither of us is interested in getting to know the other any better. Let’s be honest. Let’s enjoy what we enjoy, be it someone’s writing or music or whatever the fuck it is and leave it alone.

Now fuck off, yer boring me.

Let us talk, today. I will put on my smoking jacket and light a pipe and lean waaaay back in a comfy chair. Then we may talk of many things, of sheep and clouds and feral badgers. We can talk about robots and death-rays and plaid pants. Perhaps later we can curse a bit and punch some random small woodland creature that may have wandered too close. Maybe head butt a raccoon, if that’s what we really want.

Yes, I invite you in, to my home, where it is safe for most all. Don’t mind the curtains, they’re new. Yes, yes, I know, shockingly yellow. What can you do. Anyway, we should talk, now, of many things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, cabbages and kings – of course. Why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings. Yes, yes, I mean most certainly, but we have more pressing matters to ramble on about, do we not?

Most days I find something from my life, surroundings or deep in my brain, to share with you. On occasion, however, I want you to share with me instead. This space can be used to discuss what you want. So talk to me, of many things, today.

Aw what the hell. It’s Delurking Day. Which means if you read a blog, stop and comment and say hi, even if you normally never comment. ESPECIALLY if you don’t. Jodifur had a nice twist that I am gonna steal.

Comment and delurk and tell me what blogs you read. I am always looking out for new awesome people to read. Share that with me, today.

Thanks!

We are all familiar with Occam’s Razor. “Entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity” or put simply “The simplest answer is often the right one.” But now I give you a new tool for your logic use:

OCCAM’S LASER: When competing hypotheses are equal in other respects, select the hypothesis that introduces the most lasers, robots and spaceships and postulates the fewest ninjas and pirates while still sufficiently answering the question.

For example: The resulting explosion in Office Block 17 could have been caused by many things, but we need to know what did it, so that we can deploy Rescue and Dispersal Team Six to deal with the problem.

On the one hand it may have been a team of ninja who want to use the [REDACTED] to bring their leader back to life.

On the other hand it may have been robots who want to use the [REDACTED] to bring their creator back to life.

Obviously, if we apply Occam’s Laser, we know it was the robots. Thus we will deploy RDTS with mirrored shielding to prevent laser burns. Hooray!

I have a new video blog: Video of the Moment. It’s a tumblr where I will randomly drop videos that amuse me, or whatever. Subscribe to the RSS feed, becaise I do plan on posting a bunch there. Videos will still show up here when I feel the need for commentary, but otherwise – They’re over here, now.

For example: French Star Wars. Enjoy.

Thanks to the A-Team trailer (see prev post) I have coined a new term. At the end of the trailer, a plane explodes. Out of this exploding plane falls a tank, which deploys parachutes. While falling, the tank proceeds to shoot down the plane that shot down the plane the tank was first in. Got that?

That, my friends, is what we shall now refer to as an:

ACTION TURDUCKEN – An action sequence that has so many nested, moving parts it can only been seen, and not believed, explained or understood.

An example of use: “That scene, with the tank shooting the plane that shot the plane that had the tank in the first place? That might be this years greatest Action Turducken!” or “In my spec script I have an Action Turducken to amuse and to raise the FX budget. It lasts 25 minutes and features every car in Paraguay.”

You are welcome, planet.