So, once again, I end up making a mini-movie strip for you guys. This time starring, well, you should be able to guess who:
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If Frank Oz came up to you and was like “Hey, let me shove my hand up your ass and we can pretend you’re a Muppet,” wouldn’t you say yes? I mean you’d be freaked out and disturbed but come on! That’s the hand that controlled Yoda and Fozzie and so many other characters from our collective youths. Wouldn’t it be an honor to have Frank Oz’s hand right up there? I think it would be. I’m not suggesting it’d be pleasant, or anything, just that it would be an honor of some sort.

And maybe that’s just me. It probably is and I’m going to come off a bit strange here, but I’m used to that. It isn’t like I generally want people’s hands up my ass, that’s not a thing with me. I’m just saying. Frank Oz. It’s like… I don’t know what it’s like. I reached for some analogy, some metaphor there that would help this all make sense and I came back empty.

Really though, aren’t there some celebrities you would let do strange things to you, out of respect for how they shaped you? Maybe? If Mr. T and I met in an airport and he demanded I trank him, otherwise he wasn’t getting on no foo’ plane, I would trank him, out of love and understanding. See that’s what I’m really saying. I think. So back to OZ.

Oh, the Wonderful Hand of Oz. I don’t believe I just said that. Ow, I’m sorry for that one. It was beneath me but I went for it anyway. Back on target! Frank Oz. I don’t even imagine he likes shoving his hand up people’s asses. He has to do it all day for work, you know? He doesn’t come home and get off that way. Naw, that doesn’t make sense.

So, I suppose the chances of him randomly asking to put his hand up your ass is slim. But then again, maybe he senses you’re a huge Muppet fan. He wants to give you something more than an autograph, something you can tell your kids about. And there we are.

There we are.

Of course, you have to then wonder, would he sign your ass? Would you get that tattooed on, if he did? Would you, also, start collecting Muppet puppeteers signatures (and interior handshakes)?

Remember, it’d be an honor. You could start a club. “Hey, you got a Dave Goelz? Sweet! I just got a Michael Frith!” Both of you, trousers dropped, posteriors in the air toward each other. Of course, God help whomever decided to get Jerry Nelson. Sweetums was full body, yo. And I don’t know that a full Nelson (as it would have to be called) would fit inside you.

But hey, live the dream.

So Christopher Lee is going to release a metal concept album. According to Geeks of Doom: Charlemagne, which will be released on March 15, 2010, is a concept album about King Charlemagne, the First Holy Roman Emperor.

Here’s a sample:

Some more about the album: “The Carandinis, Lee’s maternal ancestors, were given the right to bear the coat of arms of the Holy Roman Empire by the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa. Through his Carandini ancestors, Christopher Lee has a direct link to Charlemagne, and has decided for the first time in his life to pay homage to his distinguished ancestor, who is credited as “The Father of Europe”.

Charlemagne is a concept album with original words and symphonic metal music.

Composer Marco Sabiu, best known for his collaborations with Kylie Minogue, Take That, Pavarotti, Morricone, has created a truly epic canvas by introducing modern metal symphonies, in a style which resembles a movie score. Marie-Claire Calvet, a graduate from Bristol University, transports the listener into “The Dark Ages”, with a very powerful storyline and mesmerising lyrics. A full orchestra, heavy metal musicians, choir and special guest vocalists bring the legend of Charlemagne to life.”

At least 80% of this article was written live and on the scene at the Hunter S. Thompson signing in NYC on Weds Feb 7, 2003^th using a Handspring Visor and an attachable keyboard. As such, any factual mistakes are mine and mine only.

So here we are … hella long line sitting on the damn floor of the B&N while we wait for this shindig to start the fuck up …

It’s 5:25 now, HST gets here at 7 or so. They just told us the are already almost out of wrist bands. Yeah it’s a fucking rave here alright … you need a bright green wristband to get something signed. We were smart though. One item signed per person and I had my copy of the book and got one for Unrepentant at the Strand (Laszlo got his book there too) so the book itself was cheaper. which is fairly spiffy – the B&N folk looked like the might care if only they weren’t swamped by fuckers waiting for the good Doctor to show up.

Next to us is a very very nice guy – clocking in at about 6 foot goddamn with a damn cool beard. He went and pissed and came back with coffee and a cookie and decided to offer it around. I love this town I tell you, people are fucking well friendly. The line keeps breaking up, there goes a woman (who let us know she will be out of town March 5th till the19th – by accident, she was on her phone) and she is off to the bathroom too.

Behind me someone asked a friend “I wonder if he’ll sign this” followed by a chuckle. I hope no trou were dropped.
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So Tara Reid is in Playboy. This is only interesting because she has had some horrible plastic surgery mishaps over the years. I mean truly terrible things that make you feel bad for her. Not that she was horribly disfigured and such but on an actress (even one who generally can’t act) they can stop her from getting work if she needs to do nude scenes, or even swimsuit scenes. And well, when you’re Tara Reid you gotta figure one of the two will happen.

So she decided to do Playboy. And it was going to be interesting because they would have to airbrush her so heavily, in order to show “the real her” as she claims, that everyone knew she would end up looking like a doll you buy at K-Mart. What we didn’t count on, however, was that she would also look like a fucking goddamned alien!

She has come to your planet, human, to try and understand your odd ways. She does not understand them. Does not … compute. Please to speak clearly. Help. Help. Help.

She also looks like an alien Real Doll, mind you. Below the jump I’ll post the full picture, obviously there is some nudity in it, but it amazes me, even knowing they would, how much and how heavy handed the airbrushing was. This might not even be air brushing. This might be Tussard’s wax figure stolen. Or, again, an alien Real Doll. Seriously. What she doesn’t do is look human, at all. Anywhere.

It’s fucking creepy. It’s like Geiger tried working with human shapes. Gah.

Anyway, here it is:
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Two things for you today:

First, I want this t-shirt. It is from Japan and the only way I can find it is in an eBay auction where it is 45 bucks or so. But man who doesn’t want a Pedobear vs Ronald McDonald tshirt?

Yeah.

The second thing is all about Biff. As in Tanner. It seems that Tom Wilson, who played Biff, is a funny guy who does stand-up while singing little funny songs as often as not. Who knew! Here is Biff’s Question Song, which had me laughing quite a bit:

For the few of you who haven’t seen this one yet: Christopher Walken performing Lady Gaga’s Poker Face:

(via The AP) Swiss reject Polanski’s bid for prison release

BERN, Switzerland — Roman Polanski lost his first bid to win his freedom Tuesday as the Swiss Justice Ministry rejected an appeal by the 76-year-old to be immediately released from prison, an official said.

“We continue to be of the opinion that there is a high risk of flight,” said ministry spokesman Folco Galli, explaining the decision.

Galli told The Associated Press that the risk was too great for the government to accept bail or other security measures in exchange for the release of the filmmaker who is wanted by U.S. authorities for having sex in 1977 with a 13-year-old girl.

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HAHAHAH no shit! Polanski a flight risk? What could make them think that? That’s crazy talk! HAHAHAHAHAH! Oh man, I love it.

Came across a picture of Mel Gibson with a beaver puppet on his hand. Mel looked as confused as I was. The beaver puppet looked angry. The whole thing was unsettling. So I thought about it and decided it needed a caption, but it had to be something that summed up all of my feelings, Mel’s and the puppets. Which is when it hit me. This picture had nothing to do with the universe I live in. It is, in fact:

First up, Tim O’Shea interviewed me about Stays Crunchy in Milk for Talking With Tim. Great, fun interview. Somehow over the course of this thing I manage to reference Frank Miller, Zelda, the A-Team and say “That’s how I roll.”

If you don’t know O’Shea, he’s a great writer and nice guy and Talking With Tim is a great site worth reading. Tons of interviews with nifty people. The one before me? Bateman! How cool is that?

Anyway, go read and comment on it and stuff!

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I got a possible offer yesterday that has me bouncing around but I can’t talk about it yet. Which sucks. But! Excited by the chance this could happen.

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So I spent a week with a bum foot, hobbling everywhere, on pain meds, just being miserable. Got almost nothing done, because I just hurt. And now my foot is better. So, of course, I am starting to get sick. Not hardly right, I tell you.

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Things Wrong With Me, episode 60 is up – http://tinyurl.com/mbr5tt

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William Marvin died today. Of Marvin Windows and Doors. You know what they say: As one door closes… OH CRAP IT KILLED MISTER MARVIN!

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Congratulations to those people reading this who have done something that I should congratulate them on, but can’t remember because I am a self-absorbed kinda guy. You rock, and [that thing] was totally radical, dude! I can’t believe you actually [did that thing] the way you [did that thing]! Woo!