My fellow Americans I come to you today with revelations. Recently, a truth was revealed to me, and it is a truth I feel I must share with you all. It is a truth that could, quite possibly, explain everything.
You see whereas most mammals have breasts to feed their young, Canadian women are different. I know what you’re thinking: “Impossible! I’ve seen Canadian breasts!” except you haven’t. Think about it. You’ve seen images, movies even, that may contain actresses born in Canada.
But those images were digitally changed to keep their secret. Canadian women do not have breasts in the traditional, biological sense we’ve come to know. Instead, due to environmental and sociological forces beyond rational thought, they have donuts, and timbits.
Here now I can present you with proof of this astounding fact. Below you will see an image of a true, unaltered, Canadian woman, nude from the waist up. This image may shock and upset you.
Now, Canadians, I know you will deny this post is true. However, it is time to stop pretending to the rest of the world and admit this truth. It’s all right. We know of the Tim Horton Protocols that enslaved your people and genetically distorted them. Come out of your frosted hiding spots and taker your place in the sun.
In conclusion, Americans, our Canadian friends are
donut-chested freaks and we shouldn’t trust them just like the rest of us in their hearts. It’s just that there is fried dough between their hearts and the world.