Archive for humor

The diary of Ninja Emo Teen, 2

March 24, 2006 humor, original writing 2 comments

Earlier in the story of Nina Emo Teen

Dear Diary,

Mizzi-chan won’t talk to me. She says I stole the spirit of the hunt and that there is none for her now. She talks of quitting and running away from home as I did. I warned her about bears but she will not listen. She wants to see open water.

——————————————–

Dear Diary,

My parents have tried to ground me but I snuck out anyway. Ha! They are not so smart.

——————————————–

Dear Diary,

Grounded. Parents very good at ninja tricks.

——————————————–

Dear Diary,

Mizzi-chan ran away! I do not know what to do! I feel a dark black emptiness inside myself since she left. Or perhaps that is my outfit. Unsure. Will investigate further.

——————————————–

Dear Diary,

Shuriken class is still a political nightmare. They drone on about being Masterless and free and yet keep us in this school like slaves to the Emperor. I tried to speak out about it but only got stabbed in the arm for my troubles.

Kokunha-san smirked, I could see the shape of his lips twitch.

——————————————–

Dear Diary,

Letter from Mizzi-chan arrived in secret today. She claims to have reached open water. Working on ship now. Says to call her Good-Eye Mizzi. Does this mean my love is a pirate? Must follow and find out.

——————————————–

Dear Diary,

While packing to hunt down Mizzi-chan… Good-Eye Mizzi, remembered bear. Need to find bear traps. Possibly explosives.

Lord of the Trek

February 28, 2006 humor, original writing 3 comments

Inside Frodo’s house

Frodo Kirk: We… MUST… getthisringtoMountDoom.

Spockwise: That is only logical, Master.

Scotdalf: Aye! Ye should proceed with me, I’ll show ye the way!

Further along the path to Mount Doom

Smeagol Khan: We hateses the Kirks. We hateses hims!

Back along the long and winding road

Frodo Kirk: Each… step… islikedestiny… that BEFALLS us.

Spockwise: That makes little sense. Still. I would enjoy fawning over you some more.

Sulugas: Oh, just come on!

Chekli: Da!

Uhuragorn: Follow me! Scotdalf and I shall lead you away to safety!

The group is beset by evil creatures

Sulugas: This is the way to safety?

Frodo Kirk: Klingwraith bastards! You killed my Uncle!

Scotdalf: … no they didn’t.

Frodo Kirk: These Klingwraith BASTARDS! They… what?

Scotdalf: Aye, laddie. Your uncle is safe in the Nuetral Zone.

Frodo Kirk: Oh… well… stillwemust… defeat them.

Scotdalf: Aye! Saint’s and Begorrah!

Klingwraiths burst into flames and die

Scotdalf: They won’t push us anymorrrrrrrre.

Later, near the end of thisjokethe journey

Smeagol Khan: We havesses the rings!

Frodo Kirk: KKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!

And even later… oin Mount Doom, after Kirk took us through 17 long speeches and got the ring back…

Frodo Kirk: You… can’t WIN, Sauron!

Sauron: glows evilly

Frodo Kirk: It’s like the elvish ritual of… Kobayashi Maru… you can… not… hope to… WIN!

Sauron: glows evilly

Frodo Kirk: You… have an allure…

Sauron: glows evilly

Kirk and Sauron make out

Frodo Kirk: So now you’ve… seen… the ERRORSofyourways?

Sauron: glows evilly

Frodo Kirk: no! Don’t…. kill… yourself!

Sauron: glows evilly

Scotdalf: Laddie, this is disgusting and wrong. Also, ye’re talking to yeself. Cin we go now?

Frodo Kirk: First mountain to the left and straight on till…

Spockwise: *Hobbit Neck Pinch* Shall we leave?

Sulugas: About time!

Chekli: Da!

Uhuragorn: Fucking finally.

The Talking Heads Show

February 16, 2006 humor, mash-ups, original writing, talking heads No comments

Hi there. I’m international superstar David Hasslehoff and this is Gary Coleman, who hasn’t done anything of note recently.

Yo, what the fuck is that about, Hasslehoff? Why do you gotta start this off by insulting me?

Hey, it’s true. You ran for Govenor of CA and lost…

Like you would’ve won?

I could be the President of Germany, bitch.

What ‘chu talkin’ ’bout, Hoff?

They love the Hoff in Germantown. Ja.

Nice. So what, they get you a gold talking car?

Oh, don’t diss the ride. Do not diss the ride, short round.

You… just… you did not!

The Hoff dares all.

You’re dead, fucker!

You and what stepladder?

We’re sorry folks, but it seems that Coleman and Hoff can’t take over for the guys who really run this show. Right, Bill?

Right you are, Feldman.

Anyway, how ya been, Shat?

Damn good, Feldman. And yourself?

Smokin’, baby. I’m fucking smokin’!

Sweet, dawg. Let’s bounce.

Peace out.

Google Letters

February 13, 2006 humor, original writing 2 comments

(Just for some background here… I was over at Rose Fox’s place and she said “Dear Internets…” and it broke something loose in my brain. Why don’t they have Google Letters, like Penthouse Letters, geek porn letters, basically and well here I am. The first letter also has credit with Rose Fox since she said it first.)

Dear Google,

Tonight I logged onto the Internet without protection. I turned off all scanning: shut down my virus protection, turned off Ad-Aware and flicked Windows Firewall off with a sigh. I had never done anything like that before.

It was so freeing.

I had never felt the Internet around me so purely, untainted and unrestricted. Every url slammed into my browser fast, ActiveX scripts running free all over my hard… spinning… drives. I gasped as my pages faulted and found my hand curled against my neck when an ad popped up on it’s own.

Was it illicit and dangerous? Maybe. Was it freeing and mind-blowing? Oh Gods, yes.

Dear Google,

Just the other night I ordered groceries on-line. I’d done it before, of course, who hasn’t, but this time ended up quite differently. First it was all normal. I put in my order and hit purchase. My credit card worked fine and I got an email confirmation.

But then.

I got mail from Customer Support saying they needed to inspect my order again. I mailed the guy back and we chatted a while, I was just trying to work out what was wrong. He asked for my AIM SN to talk to me off company time, saying he could explain what happened faster that way. I said “Sure”, because what could be the problem, right?

Well it wasn’t long before he stopped telling me about my order and started asking me what I was wearing. I was shocked, but I admit I was also intrigued. He sounded cute. Soon enough… well, I won’t make you blush, Google, but it took me a while to remember how to type with only one hand, and I had to find more batteries.

Und now mit ze fucking.

February 10, 2006 humor, idea file No comments

You know, a while back I thought about trying to get into writing porn. Writing funny/strange porn, mind you.

I figured, why should most porn be badly done Pizza Guy scenes when there is an almost untapped market for strange original comedies? This market exists everywhere, really and why shouldn’t porn get some of it?

I considered Seduction Cinema because they, at least, get the goofy angle to things. They not only do titles like Play-Mate of the Apes they don’t take them seriously. Rock on, kiddies, I say.

But it isn’t going far enough on the farce scale for me.

I wanted to write porn that was half slapstick. Sure, there’s fucking and wanton fucking at that, but there were also touching, heart-warming scenes of people falling down stairs.

It’s all in how you do it. Someone falls down stairs? Pratfalls are funny. Someone falls down the stairs, causing her clothing to come off? PratPorn falls are born. Everything can lead to fucking. Think about it. Sex can just happen bang you don’t know when. One minute you’re trying to get your car restarted on the highway. The next minute a cute female cop stops to lend you a hand. But while she’s looking at your engine, the thing starts, a fan belt grabs her shirt and in the ensuing madness you end up fucking.

The transition needs a bit of work, but it could happen and if you think it couldn’t… well maybe my life has been more interesting than yours.

Still, why wouldn’t some of the movies like American Pie still work if they also had some honest-to-Holmes fucking in them? We have this hang-up about it that needs to be broken down and I figure I might be the guy to do the breaking.

So, of course, I couldn’t find a good way to break into the business, much less a company that would be interested. You all miss out, now. My porn-genius will go undiscovered.

But still, for you guys, I will give you a bit of a script idea I was working on:

Pr0n: The movie

The set-up: A guy gets sucked into his computer and forced to play various adult themed video games, from the inside. He also has to stop the Master Computer from destroying him, because it wants to take over the world through superior processor power. Only Pr0n stands in the Master Computer’s way.

Ok, maybe that one wasn’t the best. But the War Games porn parody was just depressing. No, no, I kid, I keeed! What we need is original, well written, funny porn – to enlighten, amuse and titillate audiences around the globe. So – either who’s hiring or who wants to fund and star in a movie? Cause I got ideas. Big ideas. Ideas with Koosh balls and Pez dispensers. I even have an idea with a Slinky, but you aren’t ready for that one yet.

Dry British Porn

February 9, 2006 humor, original writing One comment

So I thought, what if the stereotype dry British behavior was taken into porn?

“I do declare Miss Hennings, I did not think you could fit that many crumpets into your vagina without breaking any of them.”

“Indeed it is so, Mr. Jenkins, now behold as I also fit your penis.”

“My word!”

“Truly it is so, now I shall place my hand upon your testes in a forward and firm manner, not unlike a Colonial.”

“I do exclaim, Miss Hennings, extraordinary! I moan at such tactics.”

“Yes, I grow positively swamped, myself.”

Anakin and Obi Wan are Dead

February 9, 2006 humor, mash-ups, original writing No comments

Anakin and Obi Wan are riding Bantha down a path – they pause]
Anakin: [to Obi Wan] Umm, uh…
[Obi Wan rides away, and Anakin follows. Anakin spots a gold coin on the ground]
Anakin: [to Bantha] Whoa – whoa, whoa.
[Gets off Bantha and starts flipping the coin]
Anakin: Hmmm. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side.
[Obi Wan grabs the coin, checks both sides, then tosses it back to Anakin]
Anakin: Dark Side.
[Obi Wan pulls a coin out of his own pocket and flips it]
Anakin: Bet? Dark Side I win?
[Obi Wan looks at coin and tosses it to Anakin]
Anakin: Again? Dark Side.

********************************

Yoda: More of the love, Force and rhetoric school are we. Can do Force and love we can, without rhetoric, and can do Force and rhetoric, love without and do you all three, we can, concurrent or consecutive, hmmm? Can not, love and rhetoric without the Force give you though. Compulsory, Force is. All Force they are, see you now, hmm?
Obi Wan: Is that what people want?
Yoda: What we do, it is.

********************************

Anakin: Did you ever think of yourself as actually Sith, living in a suit of armor with a respirator on it?
Obi Wan: No.
Anakin: Nor do I, really. It’s silly to be depressed by it. I mean, one thinks of it like being alive in a box. One keeps forgetting to take into account the fact that one is Sith, which should make all the difference, shouldn’t it? I mean, you’d never care you were in a suit of armor, would you? It would be just like you were asleep in a box. Not that I’d like to sleep in a box, mind you. Not without any air. You’d wake up dead for a start, and then where would you be? In a box. That’s the bit I don’t like, frankly. That’s why I don’t think of it, and why the armor would need a respirator I would think. Because you’d be helpless, wouldn’t you? Stuffed in a suit of armor like that, hunting your own children of some such nonsense. I mean, you’d be in there forever, even taking into account the fact that you’re Sith. It isn’t a pleasant thought. Especially if you’re Sith, really. Ask yourself, if I asked you straight off, “I’m going to stuff you in this suit of armor. Now, would you rather be Jedi or Sith?” naturally, you’d prefer to be Jedi. Jedi in a suit of armor is better than simply turning to the Dark Side, I expect. You’d have a chance, at least. You could wander around thinking, “Well, at least I’m not Sith. In a minute somebody is going to use the Force to cure me, and tell me to take off the helmet.”
[bangs on suit of armor]
Anakin: “Hey you! What’s your name? Take off that helmet!”
Obi Wan: [long pause] I think I’m going to kill you.

********************************

Anakin: Do you want to play Dark Side?
Obi Wan: How do you play that?
Anakin: You have to look into the dark corners of yourself and ask a question that will lead you down a darker path..
Obi Wan: Statement. One – Love.
Anakin: Cheating!
Obi Wan: How do you figure?
Anakin: I hadn’t started yet.
Obi Wan: Statement. Two – Love.
Anakin: You’re counting that?
Obi Wan: What?
Anakin: You’re counting that?
Obi Wan: Foul. No repetition. Three – Love and game.
Anakin: I’m going to go play with the Emperor if you’re going to be like that.

James bond in … Fuckfinger

February 8, 2006 humor, original writing 3 comments

James Bond in Fuckfinger: An APK Production

In M’s office

M: Well James, it seems Fuckfinger has stolen a nuke and intends to bomb England if we don’t pay him seventeen and a half billion dollars.

Bond: Well for fuck’s sake, cut off his aunt’s tits and mail them to him. That should put a stop to this shit.

M: Bond! We would never…

Bond: And that’s why we have shitrags like Fuckfinger stealing nukes, innit?

Later: In Q’s laboratory

Bond: Right, fix me up with a testicle destabilizer then, we haven’t got all night.

Q: Excuse me Bond? I have a new watch for you. It shoots lasers and has a homing device and it can sonically break glass…

Bond: I can fucking well break glass with a brick, can’t I then? The fuck do I need a 30 grand watch to break a fucking pane of glass with? Fucking watches. Always with the fucking watches, could you crawl up Swatches ass anymore? What next Q? What the fuck next? ‘Oh look here Bond, we have a special today for you, it’s a cock ring that emits concussive explosions’?

Q: I… well … *tosses watch over his shoulder* I have a new car for you.

Bond: Does it turn invisible?

Q: Well yes, and it has lasers…

Bond: Enough with the damned lasers man! Fuck your lasers. I want the car equipped with a big fucking spike on the front.

Q: A… spike.

Bond: So I can spear people at high fucking speed and collect them up. Ought to serve as a warning.

Q: A… spear. Right. Big fucking spear. On the front. No lasers.

Bond: Not a single fucking laser.

Q: No watch?

Bond: No watch.

In a random Casino

Dealer: Sevens win again! *pushes money to Bond*

Bond: Bring me whores and drink!

Later: In Fuckfingers lair after being captured while sleeping off the whores and drink

Fuckfinger: And now Mr. Bond, you die.

Bond: Blow me you used up piece of ass garbage.

Fuckfinger: … what?

Bond: Yeah and suck off the Queen while yer at it too.

Fuckfinger: I…

Bond: Go on, tell me how big your cock is why don’t you, maybe your girl over there will stop laughing if you use a hypnoray to make her think it’s bigger than a baby’s.

Fuckfinger: I’ll kill you.

Bond: Not with that small cock you won’t. Jesus.

Fuckfinger: You can’t talk to me that way! I’ll nuke London!

Bond: Have you been arsed to look at London recently? Who’d be able to tell?

Fuckfinger: You won’t outwit me, Bond…

Bond: I have lasers that can outwit you.

Fuckfinger: Now you…

Bond: Die. Yes, now I fucking well die. How?

Fuckfinger: What?

Bond: How do I die now?

Fuckfinger: Well I have this big tank of water and I’m going to drop you in it, and there’s a timer and…

Bond: What the fuck is this? Adam West’s Batman? Good fuck man. *Bond cuts the ropes that hold him with a knife that spring releases from his crotch and steps over to Fuckfinger* Two to the back of the head, maybe that I could respect.

Fuckfinger: Free? But How?

Bond: And that is your fucking problem right there, exposition. Shut the fuck up man! *Bond knees Fuckfinger in the balls. Twice* Cunt.

Fuckfinger: Ack! I… Erk! I… *vomits* Oh…

Bond: Yeah. Ok. Nuke fucking London huh?

Fuckingfinger: …

Bond: Right. *Bond bends Fuckfinger over and puts his Walther PPK up to his ass, emptying the clip and blowing the top of Fuckfinger’s head off, shooting straight up the man’s ass* For Queen and country and fuck all. Bring me whores and drink!

- Fini -

Fuckpig: The Series

February 8, 2006 humor, original writing No comments

Fuckpig: The series is brought to you by a grant from the Dear Lord, What Now Foundation. The Dear Lord, What Now Foundation – When it just has to be said and done.

Interior – Fuckpig’s Lair

Dr. Xalarian: So, Fuckpig, I have found your lair at last! Now I can, and will, destroy you!

Fuckpig: Fuck you, motherfucking fucking fuck! Cunt tits shit cock!

Dr. Xalarian: So you say, Fuckpig! So. You. Say. But the world shall be mine!

Fuckpig: Twat knuckles! Ass raping scat clown, eat my testicles with honey.

Dr. Xalarian: Yes, you will be trapped here and *Xalarian brandishes his laser pistol* die!

Fuckpig: Mothersucking sphincter sucker!

*Fuckpig leaps at Xalarian*

Dr. Xalarian: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my SKULL!

*Fuckpig skull fucks Dr. Xalarian until his head is a bleeding gelatinous mass*

Exterior – Suzie’s house, later that day

Suzie: I’m so glad you could join me for tea time, Fuckpig.

Fuckpig: Awww, AIDS rabbit, clit-faced slurp slurp fuuuuuuuck.

Suzie: *giggling Later can we go play on the swings?

Fuckpig: Urine drinking rodeo whore!

Suzie: YAY!

Star Fiction

February 8, 2006 humor, mash-ups, original writing One comment

Jules: So let me get this straight, this bad motherfucker was at his table.

Vincent: Right…

Jules: And this piece of shit that he knew by name starts shit?

Vincent: Yeah he just sits right down at the table cool as anything.

Jules: That takes balls.

Vincent: That’s what I’m saying, so he sits down and says ‘you owe my boss money.’

Jules: Now wait a minute, he doesn’t pull a gun or anything? Just sits down, acts all suave, maybe gets a beer?

Vincent: A good beer, even.

Jules: *laughs* Right. a good beer. And he starts off with that line?

Vincent: Well not that exactly, of course, but that’s what he did, yeah.

Jules: And this bad mother, he did what?

Vincent: He shrugged him off, what do you think? Man comes to town, interrupts your drink with that kind of heavy shit as an opening?

Jules: Well sure, but I ain’t asking what I’d do, I’m asking about this other guy.

Vincent: He did the same as you woulda. Just played it cool.

Jules: The way to do it.

Vincent: Stone cold, sly grin and all, just played it off, yeah yeah I’ll get Jabba his money.

Jules: Sure, so now this guy has a bad choice. Does he push at it or does he let it go? He obviously works for this Jabba? Yeah, Jabba. So my man wouldn’t want to let it go, but pushing it…

Vincent: Right, pushing it can be risky, but what other choice do you have?

Jules: So then what does your bad mother do? He’s just had the stakes raised right?

Vincent: Well there’s the question. He could just shoot the guy, right?

Jules: Sure. It’s a stone cold move, but you shoot the guy, it sends a message. Don’t push me, you’ll get your shit, but don’t try and grab my balls. I like that. Yeah.

Vincent: But what if the other guy shot first? Then he could shoot him in self-defense…

Jules: Naw, see, you described a bad motherfucker to me. This cat is so cold he would’ve been all about the message. Waiting? That’s risky. Now he’s shown he doesn’t care about risk, sure, but he’s also refused to be backed into a corner. He gives the other guy a chance to shoot first, word spreads.

Vincent: So he shoots first you think?

Jules: Listen, I’m telling you, he has to. It saves his face and sends the right message. Otherwise he’s seen as a soft touch, He’ll push but not so hard it’ll ever hurt. Now if he was that type of guy he wouldn’t have lasted long enough to get a guy with those kinda balls coming to talk to him in the first place. Man, only thing he could’ve done was shoot first.

Vincent: Yeah see that’s what I thought. Tony thought he would’ve let the other guy shoot first.

Jules: Tony? That motherfucker thinks Big Khauna burgers are a waste of money. Now I tried one of those. It was damn tasty. Tony? Fuck that.

Vincent: *laughs* Yeah man, look it’s time. You ready?

Jules: Let’s do this like that guy did. What was his name?

Vincent: Solo.

Jules: Solo? I like that. Let’s do this like Solo. I respect Mr. Wallace, I owe that man a lot, but we gotta stay cool. Give the man his case and explain this whole thing to him. We good?

Vincent: We’re good. Let’s go.

(by Adam P. Knave all characters are owned by their respective creators, of course, but this was written by me. Which means legally? It’s parody. Or fair use. Whichever won’t get me sued.)

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