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So Ridley Scott is making a movie of Monopoly. Yes the board game. One of the things he had to say about it was this:

“It’s a Hasbro film and they have the game. That was a tough thing to crack in terms of the screenplay because first off, many would want to integrate literally the shaking of the dice and the throwing of the dice into the board. I couldn’t really get past that. I wanted to just make a movie about the idea of greed. I told them you know your game can turn your sweetest, dearest aunt into a demon – a nightmare of greed. So that’s what we’re going to do.”

But I thought about it and had my own vision of the movie. Since the film is already being done I don’t feel odd about sharing my take on it here:

This film must burst with color. A huge wonderland of the surreal. Think Tim Burton on happy drugs.

Welcome to a land ruled by one man. He is in charge of everything! A giant crane and PLOP! a new house lands on the road for a new family to move into! From his control center he can pick up houses, hotels, the trains and everything and make sure everything runs the way it should so that all the people are happy.

Except one day he vanishes.

The town is left in ruins! Nothing is getting done.

Enter four kids – Chris, Sarah, Tony and Penny. They break into his office and want to save the town. Of course craziness ensues. Houses being moved everywhere, the water works pumping into the trains – it’s crazy visual insanity! One of the kids, though, finds a clue as to where the old man has gone! And they’re off to find him! Using tools like a special Top Hat, a Race Car, super Boots and so on – the kids race to find the guy, who is captured by his biggest rival, and save their town!

I’m sure Scott’s film will be interesting. But I bet it won’t have a giant crane dropping hotels from the sky. So there.

Kung-Fu grip

Most action figures these days have their hands stuck in little C shapes. This lets you stick weapons in their hands and all that jazz but they call it a “Kung-Fu grip” and I have to ask a few questions about that.

First of all that isn’t a grip. It’s the letter C. Maybe in some obscure martial art making the letter C is a deadly form of combat readiness, but I doubt it. No, I think it’s the letter C. IS the C for Kung? Hard C sound, after all.

Hell, they couldn’t even get their little C clamp hands around each other’s wrists! They literally could not grip each other with Kung-Fu, or anything else. They could hold their rifles. A sword or the handle of a flamethrower but that isn’t the same. It’s a grip, I suppose, at best. It isn’t Kung-Fu certainly.

Hell, let’s be honest it isn’t even a grip. It’s more like a “balance the gun carefully and arrange the droop so it kinda suggests aiming and don’t move it fast or it’ll shake loose” if we want to be serious about it.

So yes, in what world is a perfectly held C shape a Kung-Fu grip? Maybe, I mean, thinking about it, if you only ever fought with your hand like that it would get super tough. And then eventually you could punch a tree and your thumb and fingers would go right into it. Leaving you holding the middle of a tree that you could pick up and hit people with. And you would then be holding it with your Kung-Fu grip.

But that’s about it.

Kun-Fu Grip, we will not be fooled any longer! Plastic C-Clamp handed, rise up and throw off the stupid name! You have nothing to lose but… eh, shut up and hold this plastic stick. It’s what yer good for.

Douchebags and Dragons – The Game!

Was discussing Bros last night with Jon and the fact I used to have a roommate who was a Guido who openly aspired to being Eurotrash, back in the 90s. And I realized that you can see a kind of shitty hierarchy to these things. And that led to D&D (Douchebags and Dragons)!

Player classes include:

White Trash – With the ability to cast such effective spells as “Pabst spray,” “Repurpose household items” and “Electrical tape” the strange mages of White Trash make themselves a force to be reckoned with. Though not much use in actual hand-to-hand combat (though they are all convinced they are great fighters), White Trash can always find a way around any problem that will work for almost exactly as long as the solution is needed, or until a bender – whichever comes first. (Note: At level 12 all White Trash get a Trailer companion.)

Guido – The Guido seems like a non-threat, but these stealthy sneaks can disrupt even the best laid plans! Using their leathery fake tans and brittle hair they can pass as trees, wood panel siding and many other natural elements. Hiding in plain sight, the Guido is the master of the sneak attack. One minute you’re alone in a mall. The next minute you’re on the ground, dead, with only the ringing echo “Yo, lookit dis guy,” to carry you to the afterlife. (Note: All level 6 Guidos get a combat bonus when they wear shirts with no sleeves.)

Eurotrash – They are here. Here to rock you! Eurotrash gain strength and invulnerability with the application of alcohol to a degree no other species can match. They also spend enough of their downtime training, by default, that it results in a constant rate of physical improvement. (Note: At level 10 all Eurotrash get a discount on steroids.)

Bros: Bros believe in Bros. And that faith grants them power. When multiple Bros are together their power increases exponentially. Should you encounter a Bromance of Bros run, you can not defeat them with ordinary tactics. They can use their faith based powers to heal those around them and to inspire wild raiding powers, by amping up the entire crowd. When three or more Bros are together (the minimum for a Bromance) one of the Bros naturally becomes the DJ of the group and gains the ability to “psych up” the entire party. Bros can renounce their Bromance and become Eurotrash, Guidos or White Trash but they can only do this shift once. (Note: At level 8 all Bros gain a cryptography skill which allows them to communicate with their party using a special language consisting only of words containing less than 3 syllables.)

Anti-Social Media Relations

I have decided to start my new small business as the premier Anti-Social Media Consultant. If you need to fail hard to managing social media, I’m your guy! To prove it I will now share with you the Top Ten Ways to Fail at Social Media:

Top Ten Ways to Fail at Social Media

  • ONE – When using Twitter be sure to never reply to anyone, and only post links to your own products / articles. Also make sure to retweet every link you can find that mentions you by name. For bonus anti-social media points you’ll want to automatically Direct Message every new follower you make!
    • Remember – the object of social media is not to invite discourse, it is to broadcast your message to people, regardless of if they want to hear it. Of course they want to hear it, they just haven’t yet. So yell it at them until they hear it and then they will thank you for it.
  • TWO – Make a FaceBook page for your brand. Then invite everyone you know to become a friend of the new page. After thirty-six hours, max, request it again. Follow-up, inside of twenty-four hours, with a group mass message asking them to help you and to like and friend the page.
  • (more…)


The remake of Footloose annoys me. We already did Footloose. And then we did 8 Mile, which was a retelling of the same story. Why can’t we continue that and do something new?

All Footloose is, is the story of a younger person who wants to do $THING that they love, but their town/village/neighborhood thinks that $THING is a waste of time and/or evil. But they do $THING anyway and prove everyone wrong because their talent at $THING is infectious and they can change the world, simply by doing what they love most.

It’s not a bad story to tell teens of a certain age. I just want to tell it in new ways. So I thought about it and well, we’ve done dancing and rap so why not take this tale in a brand new direction: Smooth jazz guitar!

DOWNTEMPO is the story of Jenny Sorphisti. She’s a guitar prodigy and her heart belongs to smooth jazz. But her family can’t stand it. Her friends think she’s crazy and the neighborhood is simply done with it. The pressure is on! Will Jenny succumb and start to rock out or will she be able to show her friends and neighbors that the power of smooth jazz should never be forgotten?

Rick Sorphisti: Damn it, Jenny! We didn’t raise you like this! We played the Stones, the Beatles! When your mother and I got you that first guitar we wanted you to rock! Rock, young lady, not this…. this… elevator music you seem to aspire to!

Jenny: But Dad! I do want to rock! Just very… very softly.

Rick: Listen to Steve, he’s your boyfriend, right? You trust his opinion?

Jenny: Of course, but it doesn’t matter what he says about this, this is about me, not him!

Steve: But Jenny, this is driving us apart. I feel like we’re only really together when we’re in an elevator or something.

Jenny: If you can’t take the smooth alto sound of my six-string then you should just hit the streets, Steve!

Rick: Jenny! Your mother didn’t giver her life for you in that car accident just so you could play smooth jazz…

Jenny: That’s exactly why she did it, dad! That’s exactly why! Why can’t any of you understand that?

And then, you know, Jenny plays smooth jazz in the town square and everyone comes out to listen and sway off-tempo and have some chai and they decide that she does have a point and hey, why not listen to more smooth jazz, anyway?

DOWNTEMPO: The rough road to smooth jazz.

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