So me and a few other folks (C3, Sweetney and Palinode to be exact) were discussing the oncoming storm. and by discussing I mean making it into a series of Michael Bay movies. I then decided I would take our titles and write out plots for them. Here is the result.

We are discussing, of course, the epic franchise no one has done yet named Snowmageddon. It’s like Armageddon, except with snow. Shit blows up. Can ya dig it? I’m talkin’ ’bout Bay.

SNOWMAGEDDON: Beyond Thundersnow

A snow storm is about to hit Earth. From outer space! What? How? It turns out that one hundred comets have collided and formed a swirling mass of radioactive, destructive space snow! An epic space snow storm is on its way and it will destroy all life on Earth unless one man, Ricky T. Avi (Tiki to his friends), can pull together a team of misfits and borderline criminals to stop it. How? A NASA rocket to the heart of the storm where they will spray enough salt to ensure that the snow melts, even in space, and passes us by. The ship, The Plow, is piloted by Tiki’s soon-to-be son-in-law, James ‘Slapdash’ Guntherson, the best pilot Tiki has ever seen. Together they’ll go beyond the realms of the senses, beyond even… thundersnow!
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Just got sent this fantastic bit of (oh so wrong) photoshoppery. I don’t know who made it, sadly. But man. Kirk and Leia? WRONG! And yet, hysterical.

So I realized there was a movie mash-up I hadn’t done yet, somehow. Oddly, after making the poster I realized I could probably do this one using nothing but actual dialogue from both movies. So I tried it. And, scarily, it worked. Except for, like, the first one, where I just replaced McClane’s name in the scene. Otherwise, all scenes are half and half – errr, mostly. Enjoy.

John McClane: How old are you?
Edward Cullen: Seventeen.
John McClane: How long have you been seventeen?
Edward Cullen: A while.

John McClane: Come to L.A., he says. You’ll have a good time, he says.
Edward Cullen: What did you expect? Coffins and dungeons and moats?
John McClane: No, not the moats.
Edward Cullen: Not the moats.

John McClane: So that’s is what this is about, Ed? A fucking robbery?
Edward Cullen: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
John McClane: Why’d you have to nuke the whole building, Ed?
Edward Cullen: What a sick, masochistic lion.

Edward Cullen: I should go back there and rip those guys’ heads off.
John McClane: Glass? Who gives a shit about glass? Who the fuck is this?
Edward Cullen: You don’t know the vile, repulsive things they were thinking.
John McClane: Oh, you’re in charge? Well, I got some bad news for you Edward, from up here it doesn’t look like you’re in charge of jack shit.

John McClane: I know what you are.
Edward Cullen: Say it, out loud say it.
John McClane: Asshole.
Edward Cullen: Are you afraid?
John McClane: …no.

Edward Cullen: My family, we’re different from others of our kind. We only drink animal blood, but it’s your scent. It’s like a drug to me. It’s like you’re my own personal brand of heroin.
John McClane: Got invited to the Christmas party by mistake. Who knew?
Edward Cullen: I did, only because of wanting you so badly. I still don’t know if I can control myself.
John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

Nerd excitment is a go.

A Twilight parody that actually made me laugh. Oh lord. And the very last second or two. So wrong and so right.

I was hit by a bolt just now. Two thoughts collided in my head. See, on the one hand I was thinking about the fact that Fight Club recently had its 10th anniversary. On the other hand I was thinking that I need to watch Real Genius again.

Which is when I realized they’re the same film in a lot of ways.

Chris Knight: Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I’m disgusted. I’m sorry but it’s not like me, I’m depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races, we only had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?

Tyler Durden: Fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let… lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may.

In Real Genius, Chris Knight takes Mitch under his wing. He shows him how not to fear, how to allow himself to be comfortable with being himself and how that, in turns gives us power – over ourselves and the world at large.

In Fight Club, Tyler teaches the Narrator how to accept himself. Mostly because he is himself, but you know. Details. Regardless, Tyler’s entire concept is about changing the world one act at a time. Being free to do anything. Being free to be as ridiculous or dangerous as you are.

Chris Knight: Okay Mitch, I’m gonna make it up to you. Let’s just pause, put that down. Let’s just take a step back. No, I was wrong, I’m sorry, take a step forward. Now, take a step back. Step forward. Back. And then we’re cha-cha-ing!
Mitch: Will you stop it? I’m serious!
Chris Knight: Okay, I’m serious too!

Lou: [Lou hits Tyler in the face] Do you hear me now?
Tyler Durden: No, I didn’t quite catch that, Lou.
[Lou hits Tyler again]
Tyler Durden: Still not getting it.
[Lou hits Tyler a few more times]
Tyler Durden: Ok, I got it. Shit, I lost it.
[Lou continues to beat up Tyler]

Now I admit that in Fight Club Tyler uses pain as his main teaching tool toward overcoming fear of self, whereas in Real Genius, Knight uses embarrassment to achieve the same goal. I’m not saying the films are shot for shot the same pony. That’d be crazy.

But they teach many of the same things and use similar mindsets to do it. Which is, actually, borderline wrong, to me. Not “wrong” as in “incorrect” but rather as “oh, chil’ that ain’t right.” Still the basic sense holds. And that’s just kooky. I thought it was great when someone drew lines between Fight Club and Calvin & Hobbes (metaphilm, look it up) but this one makes me smile.

And when you stretch it out to other characters the whole thing falls apart, I realize that. But if you focus on larger themes, on manner and on character – it’s almost bothersome.

Chris Knight: Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under ‘H’ for “toy.”
Mitch: What is it?
Chris Knight: It’s a penis stretcher. Do you want to try it?
Mitch: No!
Chris Knight: I’m just kidding. It’s yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility.

Narrator: Tyler was a night person. While the rest of us were sleeping, he worked. He had one part time job as a projectionist. See, a movie doesn’t come all on one big reel. It comes on a few. So someone has to be there to switch the projectors at the exact moment that one reel ends and the next one begins. If you look for it, you can see these little dots come into the upper right-hand corner of the screen.
Tyler Durden: In the industry, we call them “cigarette burns.”
Narrator: That’s the cue for a changeover. He flips the projectors, the movie keeps right on going, and nobody in the audience has any idea.
Tyler Durden: Why would anyone want this shit job?
Narrator: Because it affords him other interesting opportunities.
Tyler Durden: Like splicing single frames of pornography into family films.

Because the fact is that they do try and teach you the same lessons, in a lot of ways. Be yourself. Don’t rely on the trappings of your surroundings. Think for a change. Don’t let fear stop you. Don’t be afraid to discover uncomfortable things about yourself or the world around you. Keep your eyes open and your ear to the ground.

Of course they would have hated each other, Tyler and Chris. I mean Chris Knight was far too constantly clever for Durden. He was a merry prankster but he stopped at causing harm to others. Durden picks that ball up and runs a few miles farther with it. But for his time, his student and his lesson – was he wrong? Were either of them?

Their choices don’t suit the other but they manage to teach the same lessons to different students. And the lessons stick, or so we’re led to believe. They changed lives, for the better in the close-scope. They weren’t afraid to get their hands dirty (though I admit that popcorn house pranks are smaller than threatening to cut off someone’s balls) and get a job damn well done.

Tyler/Knight: Fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let… lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may. It’s a moral imperative.

Charlie Chaplin in the Matrix. Originally, obviously done in Russian. Anyway. Enjoy the crazy.

(via Sci Fi Squad) !s Hasbro’s ‘Jem’ Ready for Her Big Comeback?

Hasbro, high off their big earnings from Transformers and G.I. Joe, are looking into their massive toy box for another hit franchise. According to Pajiba, the company, along with Peter Barsocchini (screenwriter of all three High School Musicals), plan on a revival of the 1980’s all-girl glam-rock adventure show Jem.

The article is vague on the details of what Jem’s licensing resuscitation will entail, whether it means Hasbro is working on a new cartoon or a live-action movie. My guess is that the toys will come first — that’s still Hasbro’s bread-and-butter — and the projects, whatever they may be, will follow. Jem creator Christy Marx would like to update the property for a new generation of young girls (and open-minded boys), but, personally, I like the idea of keeping Jem firmly set in the late 1980’s. New projects based on Jem weren’t feasible until 2008, when Hasbro was able to cut through legal red tape and acquire all of their original Sunbow animated library from a corporate entity called “TV Loonland”.

————–

This is all early news and nothing could ever come of it. So take it gently. But. I mean it could happen.

Would it be good? Who knows. The big problem is if you take Jem out of the 80s will it work at all? Have we reached a point where this is simply the Josie movie (which I adored) all over again?

It’s a question and if this goes forward then we’ll see. And if it dies then it does and I’m certain it’ll come up again.

Tomorrow morning I am off to Baltimore for the Baltimore Comic-Con this weekend. If you’re in the area, look for the Image table, find Popgun (a part of said table) and say hi! But anyway. I am just crazed with preparations and stuff to do before I leave. Which means I don’t have as much brain power for blogging as I normally do.

Heh.

Right!

So have this instead:

(via THR.com) Justin Lin is set to direct a remake of Highlander. Yes. Justin Lin, director of such hit movies as The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift and the 2009 remake (?) / sequel (?) The Fast and The Furious.

Summit has the project. They’ve had it since mid ‘08, so all right. It also seems they’re going to the guys who wrote the script for Iron Man (Art Marcum and Matt Hollaway) to write the film. Well that could be interesting.

Mind you they are trying to turn the film into an “action movie tentpole,” which… Hmm. I dunno. But there you have it. There can be only one, four sequels, six TV seasons, a spin-off of the TV show, a cartoon and now a remake.